Saturday, October 17, 2009
My fiance and I took my littlest girl to the county fair tonight. I love fairs. I love the atmosphere, the sounds, the lights, the interesting carnies trying to talk you into spending $10 to throw a ring onto a greased bottle so you can win a huge inflatable hammer that squeaks when you hit someone in the head with it. My favorite thing about a fair has always been the food, most notably the almighty funnel cake (or what I like to call heaven on a paper plate). I have been doing so well that I decided to reward myself with some funnel cake. I had a game plan, with 3 people sharing one funnel cake I knew I wouldn't be in jepordy of eating the whole thing.
So we order the heaven on a paper plate and are eating it as a family. I am soooo enjoying my funnel cake and feeling all smug because I am learning how to eat what I want in moderation and feeling like I'm on top of the world because of all of the weight I have lost so far, and feeling very pretty in my new sweater that I got for 1/2 off. Then out of no where my fiance says "Geez babe, you don't have to shove so much in your mouth at once, there is plenty left. Don't stuff your face." All of a sudden the wind had been knocked out of me. I couldn't breath and I felt like my heart had been ripped down the middle. All at once I felt all of my good positive feelings got sucked out of me. He knew immediatly by the look on my face that he had something wrong but instead of apologizing he laughed it off and took the plate from me. We started walking to the car and the entire way I was trying to breathe and biting really hard on my lip to keep from bursting into tears.
I am not one that cares much about what people think of me. I generally have very good self-esteem. People always say I'm so laid back because nothing ever bothers me. Well, maybe the tough girl hurts too. I don't know if I was so hurt because I love him so much or what but my feelings were very badly hurt by his words. Deep down I know he didn't mean for it to come out quite like that. I am not making excuses for him, I just know him well enough to know he does not have a way with words and that he often speaks without thinking. I also know he loves me just the way I am. I also know what he said was true and maybe thats what hurts the most.
He has apologized since then and has tried to "explain" his words but it hasn't changed anything. Since those very minutes the words were out of his mouth I have felt like I can't breathe and I can feel a huge lump in my throat. The tears flow freely now as I type this because he is in bed and because I know I can say these things here and that someone else that reads this will understand.
I know I am not the sum of my parts and yes, I know how very far I have come. I just fear of what I still have to overcome and there is also a fear that no matter how far I go and how much I lose, I will always think of myself as the fat girl.