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Heartache

Saturday, October 17, 2009

My fiance and I took my littlest girl to the county fair tonight. I love fairs. I love the atmosphere, the sounds, the lights, the interesting carnies trying to talk you into spending $10 to throw a ring onto a greased bottle so you can win a huge inflatable hammer that squeaks when you hit someone in the head with it. My favorite thing about a fair has always been the food, most notably the almighty funnel cake (or what I like to call heaven on a paper plate). I have been doing so well that I decided to reward myself with some funnel cake. I had a game plan, with 3 people sharing one funnel cake I knew I wouldn't be in jepordy of eating the whole thing.

So we order the heaven on a paper plate and are eating it as a family. I am soooo enjoying my funnel cake and feeling all smug because I am learning how to eat what I want in moderation and feeling like I'm on top of the world because of all of the weight I have lost so far, and feeling very pretty in my new sweater that I got for 1/2 off. Then out of no where my fiance says "Geez babe, you don't have to shove so much in your mouth at once, there is plenty left. Don't stuff your face." All of a sudden the wind had been knocked out of me. I couldn't breath and I felt like my heart had been ripped down the middle. All at once I felt all of my good positive feelings got sucked out of me. He knew immediatly by the look on my face that he had something wrong but instead of apologizing he laughed it off and took the plate from me. We started walking to the car and the entire way I was trying to breathe and biting really hard on my lip to keep from bursting into tears.

I am not one that cares much about what people think of me. I generally have very good self-esteem. People always say I'm so laid back because nothing ever bothers me. Well, maybe the tough girl hurts too. I don't know if I was so hurt because I love him so much or what but my feelings were very badly hurt by his words. Deep down I know he didn't mean for it to come out quite like that. I am not making excuses for him, I just know him well enough to know he does not have a way with words and that he often speaks without thinking. I also know he loves me just the way I am. I also know what he said was true and maybe thats what hurts the most.

He has apologized since then and has tried to "explain" his words but it hasn't changed anything. Since those very minutes the words were out of his mouth I have felt like I can't breathe and I can feel a huge lump in my throat. The tears flow freely now as I type this because he is in bed and because I know I can say these things here and that someone else that reads this will understand.

I know I am not the sum of my parts and yes, I know how very far I have come. I just fear of what I still have to overcome and there is also a fear that no matter how far I go and how much I lose, I will always think of myself as the fat girl.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BRIDEJENNY79
    Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. This morning I feel better. Especially after stepping on the scale and losing almost 2 full pounds. You all are right he didn't mean to hurt me. I would never trade him in. I guess I just felt embarressed because I was really indulging. Thanks again
    4195 days ago
  • WANNABFIT34
    It is difficult when it is the one person we care how they think of us. My boyfriend did not understand how bad he hurt me the one time after I had lost a significant amount of weight and I bought a new outfit. He never commented on it and he was actually on the verge of jerk the whole night, not normal since he was way stressed out but it hurt me because he is the one person I want to see me as pretty, healthy, etc. I agree with NSimon about the change they forget that we want to hear the sweet flowery stuff instead of the jerk that they are with their pals.
    4196 days ago
  • AMYMLE
    Jenny, my DH doesn't always have a way with words, either, so I know how things that come out of loved one's mouths can hurt. The important thing is he recognized his mistake and feels sorry his words hurt you. The more you can explain to him what kinds of words you need to hear from him, even giving him examples, the easier it will be for him to give you what you need. Some women might say, "If I have to tell him what I need (or have to ask for a hug), it doesn't count. He should just KNOW!" But as a family life educator, I know that's asking our partners to have superhuman mind-reading powers. I hope you can forgive him and forgive yourself for enjoying your heaven on a paper plate with gusto.
    4196 days ago
  • TESENISIS1
    It is very disheartening to hear those words from someone we love, who we want to support us in our endeavors. You're right when you say that it is the words and that they were true that you hurt so much and feel so deeply. Remember to learn what you can from the experience and move forward from it taking only what you need. Like anything difficult...there is always the lesson learned.

    I personally had to think this way after leaving my ex-husband, since it was a very bad relationship. I talked bad about him and the time we spent together for many years. Yes it was difficult and terrible, but I am a much stronger individual because of it. The lessons I have learned from it helped me to find the man of my dreams, who loves me unconditionally.

    Feel good and think of the thin, pretty, fabulous girl on the inside waiting forhte day for you to expose her!
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    4196 days ago
  • REGGIE2009
    I am sorry that you are hurting my friend. I am sure that your fiancé didn't mean to hurt you. He knows how well you have been doing. I think that he was just trying to remind you (In a man's way) not to sabotage the weight loss that you have worked so hard to lose. Men have a way of putting their foot in their mouth's, when it comes to us women and our weight issues. Forgive him and keep doing it my girl! You are doing great!
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    4196 days ago
  • NSIMON116
    You are experiencing what i call the "change." I have been married for 5 years and sometimes I tell my husband that I want my boyfriend back. He knows then that he has done or said something that he would not have done or said when we were dating. It starts happening as soon as they know their marrying you. Dumb stuff just starts coming out. Don't fret. You did just fine today and your feelings were hurt and you are human so that's okay. He is a guy and his genetic make up is such that this will not be the last time this happens. Don't go out and get another fiance... that won't solve the problem because there is something wrong with the male template!
    4196 days ago
  • BLUEROSE73
    I am so sorry to hear that he said this to you. You have accomplished a lot. And you were making a very good decision in how you planned to have a favorite treat in moderation. Be good to yourself tonight. You deserve it.
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    4196 days ago
  • DLDROST
    don't think of yourself as the fat girl think thin...
    4196 days ago
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