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How come I haven't gone crazy yet?

Sunday, October 04, 2009

How come I haven't gone crazy yet? Been admitted to a mental hospital? Lost my marbles? Been put in the nut house? Gone bananas?

One word. Exercise. Yup, that is it. Exercise. It has managed to keep me from going crazy, being admited to a mental hospital, kept my marbles contained and kept the bananas at bay! LOL! Seriously, though. I have been going through A LOT of EXTREMELY stressful stuff since the passing of my father three months ago. It is still something I think about almost non-stop throughout the day. I get phone calls from the real estate agent, the carpet guy, the tax lady and the list goes on and on. I am answering emails for items I have put on craigslist and it just seems like I never have a moment to relax.

Another thing that has come up is that they transferred one of the girls that was working on the Foster Youth Mentor Program with me. So, I have basically taken on an additional position. I enjoy the challenge and am not complaining but work used to be where I would go for refuge. I would do my job, which wasn't usually stressful and I enjoyed it. With this girl leaving, I have assumed quite a lot of responsibility. It makes the days go by quick but it took away some down time that I used to have.

Another thing that I haven't blogged about much and won't go into much detail but things in my home life are strained. They were even before the passing of my father and you can imagine that something as tramatic as this hasn't helped much. It seems that everywhere I go there is stress. No relaxation. No down time. Just go go go and do do do.

We found out that my father's place has termintes and that will cost around $3,000 to treat. Apparently, there are some roofing problems in the unit which may deter the potential buyer. I am paying over $500 dollars alone on insurance costs and it seems that people aren't buying Harley Davidson motorcycles as quickly as they were before the recession. Have you had to try and sell something you know absolutely nothing about? Let me just say that it sucks! People ask me questions and I don't know the answer. Everyone is an expert on how much I should be selling the stupid things for. I inherited about 4 insurance policies, a mortgage, homeowner's association fees, $50,000 dollars of debit in the form of an equity line of credit, credit card debt (I know it isn't my debt but it has to be paid), 2 motorcyles, 2 trucks, and some land in North Dakota that has about $6,000 dollars of back taxes due. Now mind you, I know that I can put on the rose colored glasses and know when all is said and done that I will come out even or maybe even ahead but I would give all this up for one more precious day with my father. IT ISN'T WORTH IT!!!! Everyday I dread what I will face. I know this is all part of the process and I will get through it. I know that there will come a day and I will look back and be impressed with how well I managed to get through such a difficult time. I hold a lot of things in because I don't want to burden those around me. Nobody was even remotely as close to my father as I was. I feel like I can't lean on somebodies should who shares in my grief because I am it. My daughter misses him but she doesn't have the history with him that I did. I guess it just isn't the same for her. I remember when my grandfather passed away, it was much different than this. Obviously. I don't think my dad talked about it much. Their lives were not as intertwined as ours was. I guess the bottom line is that I just miss him and don't want to deal with this. I will though.

Wow, I intended to write a happy blog about how exercise has been my saving grace, especially this last week. It turned into something different but I want to bring the focus back to this. When I work out, I don't think about all that is wrong in my world right now. I just feel....good! I feel strong. I feel exhilerated. It is better than any drug I could take. It is God's way of giving me some relief. I am happy to report that while things have been pretty up in the air for the past couple of months, I am back on a great workout routine and my eating has improved. This gives me something to look forward to. It gives me a sense of well-being and balance. Without it, I can't imagine what kind of wreck I would be!! LOL! Without exercise and the support of my sparkfriends and real life friends (some are spark and real life friends) I don't know how I would have survived.

So, this is the start of a new work week and I am eager to handle the stress in a positive way. I will get my workouts in and enjoy the stress relief. I will also take a little bit of time out of my day to do something that takes my mind off of this, like reading. I haven't done much of this lately and I miss it! I need to be kind to myself so I can be kind to others and manage my day effectively.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Unfortunately, many of us can identify too closely with what you face. Spend the extra energy in a positive way, use your blog to work things out of your head, and find that group who will accept and support you as you forge ahead through the difficulties. I send positive thoughts to you. Stay sane aor as sane as possible. emoticon
    3775 days ago
    I was so sorry to hear about your dad. I can see that you loved him so much...and I see from the picture on your site that you and he looked so much alike, right down to the smiles.

    The great thing about God is that he is always right there with you. Use his strong arms.
    Best to you and yours,
    3921 days ago
  • HAPPY92003

    We're here for you...whatever you need:)

    3928 days ago
  • no profile photo CD403121
    I totally agree with the exercise. Unfortunately it took me 7 months to figure out that exercise would be my saving grace. Now i'm just so thankful for it.

    I'm sorry for all the stresses that you are going through right now. Its not really fair that you have to deal with your fathers passing and all the other "stuff" that goes along with it. emoticon

    I'm glad you got all of this out though. Maybe it will help you so that its not kept inside of you any longers. emoticon

    Don't forget to take some YOU time. Kick back and relax with that book emoticon
    3928 days ago
    Leah...I have been following your posts since your fathers passing and I am extremely impressed by how well you are handling everything!!! My mother passed away over 2 years ago and we have barely gone through her things!!! I still have a houseful of her possession and no clue what to do with them!!! I have thought about estates sales and craigslist but every time I think about it I get immobilized with sadness!!! You are an awesome example of how to handle things!!! Thank you for sharing as it helps give me strength to tackle what seems like an insurmountable task!!! Stay strong....looking forward to see you in a few short days!!! Jackie!!!
    3928 days ago
    You are so right - exercise is a great cure-all....you get your body moving, you can work things out in your mind without even thinking about them on purpose, and you can vent some aggression.

    After my Dad died I dealt with all of the "stuff", since I was his executor. ALl the piddly things to sort out. All the big grievances to work around (Dad gave his house to his caregiver, not us four girls....fine by me, 'cause I didn't have to sell it and we live on opposite sides of the continent, but pissed off the two youngest sisters, so I got to deal with their crap). Plus work nonsense (I was in the middle of training to be a police dispatcher...needless to say I ultimately lost that job - too much stress!) Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I understand about the crap you have to deal with, and how it feels to do it alone, WHILE you are missing him every stinking day. My heart goes out to you!

    3929 days ago
    I'm so sorry that all this is on your plate right now. It's more than a lot to handle. Most people would have buckled under the weight by now. I know it's a burden for you, and it's amazing to me how you've persevered and continue to persevere. Shows how much you're made of strong stuff. You're doing great, girl, and hopefully the end will be in sight sooner rather than later. From someone who is also going through some pretty serious stress right now, please remember two things: take it one day at a time, and don't add more to your plate because you feel you have to. I've often made mistakes in taking too much on simply because I don't want to ask for help and really think I can do it all myself. I learned the worst way possible that I cannot do it all and that I do need help. I've learned how to say no, I can't do that and although I struggle to be okay with my decision, it's for the best in the long run. Please let these words help you in all that you have on you right now. One day at a time.
    3929 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Try to do something special for yourself each day, no matter how small. Some "me time" should help.
    3929 days ago
    I'm "with you" re: exercise for dealing with stress! If I am stewing about anything I just "put 'er on the 'mill" and grind it out...often some good ideas for dealing with problems will come to mind while I'm working out also!

    Great to hear from you...it's going to be a tough road ahead, but you WILL make it and I'm sure you'll find ways in which you'll learn and grow through this experience.

    3929 days ago
  • NKDUB211
    Hey girlie! I know what you are going through. I'm so proud of you for keeping up with your healthy habits. I know for awhile there after my dad had passed I went through a depression that kept me from doing anything but watch tv and cry. After a month or two I did get back into it and you are right it gets you through. I'm always here if you need to chat. You are doing a great job! emoticon
    3929 days ago
    Leah, I have lost 8 people (friends and family) in the past two years, with three close others being terminally ill. I understand what you are going through. SD Hospice has grief support groups, and even though I'm usually not a joiner, I have found them helpful. Best wishes for easier days ahead.
    3930 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3930 days ago
    Just try to stay positive and remember all of the good things in your life. . . your family, friends, and things that really matter!!

    3930 days ago
    (::hugs:: i'm so glad you were able to get it all out here, girl. i'm sure, in a way, you felt so much better afterwards.

    i agree, thank goodness for exercise. i'd go crazy without it, too. ::hugs::

    if you need a shoulder to lean on - so to speak - you know how to reach me. i'm just an email away.

    take a deep, deep breath, and just let it go really slowly. ::smiles::

    i can't wait to see you this weekend, girl! we are going to rock long beach! whoo hoo!)
    3930 days ago
    You are so strong and so durable. You are dealing with so much. Your exercise is your escape and that is great. It is a healthy outlet that you can enjoy with friends. What is even more amazing, is that you are able to keep it up through all of this. I wish you didn't have to go through all this "extra" burden. You have enough dealing with the loss. You have a good head on your shoulders and you realize that you need to take care of you, first and everything else after. I am sure your dad is looking at you and admiring what an amazing person you have become. Can't wait to see you this weekend!
    3930 days ago
    Glad you got it out though. Good luck with dealing with your loss of your father and think of those gains you have from knowing him. Your dad is really proud of you I bet, looking at you from above. emoticon
    3930 days ago
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