I am not feeling strong...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Earlier this year I was REALLY good at the whole eating right thing. I even exercised! I was seeing some good, steady weight loss, work was good, in general - life was good. Then came the job loss. Oh that was just the end of my happy little world. I had quite easily let myself 'become the job'. Working 60+ hours a week doesn't leave a ton of time to be yourself.
It was such an unjust situation with the way it all went down, I really slipped into a hard and fast depression. I kept waiting for the phone to ring, to hear HR on the other end spilling their mistakes and welcoming me back to the job I loved and did so well. Needless to say, with market conditions, that never happened.
I sought refuge in food. LOTS of food. Eating past the feeling of full, eating when I'm not hungry, eating because something just sounded good. I stopped any attempts at exercising. Every single pound that I had lost over the last year and a half has happily landed back on my body (over 50 pounds). Even at that time, with another 100 pounds to go, I was really feeling good! I wasn't as 'fluffy' as I am now, I could wear clothes from more stores, and I just carried myself differently. I'm literally miserable back in this body.
I decided recently that I was not going to seek a regular job again. Not only is the job market a pile of poop for those who used to make decent money, I don't have the energy to lose myself to another company that doesn't appreciate dedication and hard work. I'm going into business for myself again, which of course poses its own set of challenges. My main obstacle is my appearance. I have to meet and greet and shake hands and make new contacts with my chosen profession. But I'm miserable! How do I go out and be the confident, competent person that I know I am when I feel this badly about myself?
I'm scared of dieting, I'm scared of not dieting. I'm scared of the ramifications of not networking with my business, which would most certainly be failure. I'm still eating poorly, and I'm still not exercising. Heck, I'm not even drinking my 8 glasses of water a day that used to be one of my greatest consistencies! And don't even get me started on my soda consumption - once eliminated, now back in mass volume.
I'm moving at the end of this month, and as I slowly pack, I'm trying to clear out and eliminate unnecessary things. I kind of look at it as a fresh start, which would be refreshing if it weren't a fresh start in about every single aspect of my life. It's a lot for me to take on at one time. I know the first thing people tell me is to take baby steps. I'm not a baby step person, and those little steps feel like failure to me. I'm a big girl and should be able to handle this! I just don't know how I'm going to flip the switch to move intently towards my goals. What it does take is a FIRST step...
...still working on that.