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I am not feeling strong...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Earlier this year I was REALLY good at the whole eating right thing. I even exercised! I was seeing some good, steady weight loss, work was good, in general - life was good. Then came the job loss. Oh that was just the end of my happy little world. I had quite easily let myself 'become the job'. Working 60+ hours a week doesn't leave a ton of time to be yourself.

It was such an unjust situation with the way it all went down, I really slipped into a hard and fast depression. I kept waiting for the phone to ring, to hear HR on the other end spilling their mistakes and welcoming me back to the job I loved and did so well. Needless to say, with market conditions, that never happened.

I sought refuge in food. LOTS of food. Eating past the feeling of full, eating when I'm not hungry, eating because something just sounded good. I stopped any attempts at exercising. Every single pound that I had lost over the last year and a half has happily landed back on my body (over 50 pounds). Even at that time, with another 100 pounds to go, I was really feeling good! I wasn't as 'fluffy' as I am now, I could wear clothes from more stores, and I just carried myself differently. I'm literally miserable back in this body.

I decided recently that I was not going to seek a regular job again. Not only is the job market a pile of poop for those who used to make decent money, I don't have the energy to lose myself to another company that doesn't appreciate dedication and hard work. I'm going into business for myself again, which of course poses its own set of challenges. My main obstacle is my appearance. I have to meet and greet and shake hands and make new contacts with my chosen profession. But I'm miserable! How do I go out and be the confident, competent person that I know I am when I feel this badly about myself?

I'm scared of dieting, I'm scared of not dieting. I'm scared of the ramifications of not networking with my business, which would most certainly be failure. I'm still eating poorly, and I'm still not exercising. Heck, I'm not even drinking my 8 glasses of water a day that used to be one of my greatest consistencies! And don't even get me started on my soda consumption - once eliminated, now back in mass volume.

I'm moving at the end of this month, and as I slowly pack, I'm trying to clear out and eliminate unnecessary things. I kind of look at it as a fresh start, which would be refreshing if it weren't a fresh start in about every single aspect of my life. It's a lot for me to take on at one time. I know the first thing people tell me is to take baby steps. I'm not a baby step person, and those little steps feel like failure to me. I'm a big girl and should be able to handle this! I just don't know how I'm going to flip the switch to move intently towards my goals. What it does take is a FIRST step...

...still working on that.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    OK, someone once smacked me with this question, so I'm going to pay it forward. I'm not meaning to be tacky, just give you some perspective.

    What's the first thing you notice about people?

    I notice if they hold a door for someone, or speak kindly or smile or ask questions or make statements. I notice voice tone and clean fingernails. I notice if their clothes FIT and are modest, but I have no idea about sizes. I just don't think about what someone weighs or what size someone wears. I'm MUCH more worried about the intrinsic qualities they bring to the meeting and whether or not I want to work with them or not.

    If you were to ask others what they notice about you? I bet you'd be surprised.

    About the baby steps? Make yourself a list of little things you can do every day and chart your progress. I hear impatience when you say this, but I may be WAY off the mark on that. I do well when I develop a habit slowly and really ingrain it. Good luck! I'm proud of you for taking control of your own destiny!!
    4294 days ago
    Thanks for all the feedback gang. I dragged my own self in, kicking and screaming, to the kitchen and did some batch cooking last night. Hopefully that will keep me away from eating out so much this week. Grilled chicken, roasted potatoes, hard boiled eggs, some easy steam bags of veggies in the freezer ready to go. I guess I'm just gonna have to force myself back into the habit!
    4300 days ago
    I sooooooooooo hear you.

    That is all I can really say.

    You are not alone, just know that.

    4300 days ago
    Writing the blog was a great first step...You have had a lot on your plate, and like many of us, for different reasons...the fork to mouth seems to be the route we go - Why? Its a false sense of comfort...I know that path myself well - The encouragement mentioned above from the out Sparkers is rock solid -- and I would only add -- that when we have the opportunity to "reinvent ourself," we dont have to take anything from the past except that which worked --- a line in the sand is powerful -- you just step forward and keep moving in that newness!
    4300 days ago
  • DENISE245
    I can understand your feelings and empathize with the situation. It is easy to see how you lost your motivation. You been dealig with a lot. You can see now, I'm sure, that you are an emotional eater. It's very hard to get a grasp on emotional eating.

    Take it one step at a time, perhaps with getting your water in each day. Then start working on the nutrition and exercise. Or if you feel you are strong enough then jump in with both feet and hit it hard.

    Remember one thing....you are strong!! You can do this. We're right here to lift you up. All of together can do this. You will do it this time!
    4300 days ago
    Well if baby steps are not for you then write out your plan just like you would a business plan and then JUST DO IT... One meal, one glass of water, one minute of exercise at a time... look back at what has worked for you in the past and incorporate that. Reach out and ask for help and know you are not alone!
    4300 days ago
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