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Meant For Someone Else, But Not For Me

Monday, June 22, 2009


Being semi-off a plateau, but not thrilled about that, and being less than happy when Summer begins, are two things that really should cause the universe to scream out and say, "Why, you ungrateful wretch!"

Well, yah. Duh.

I had over a month of plateauing, so three weeks ago I decided to change things up. The first week, I lost. Second week, I regained almost 2/3 of that (let's blame TOM). This week, I lost more, gained the ground from the first week and surpassed it. Lowest numbers yet!

Yet I was and am less than happy. Huh?

And then, well, today, I was getting dressed for work, and I figured, what the hell, and pulled on a pair of size 10 pants. Now, they stretch (thank you, Lee Jean/Pant/whatever company). And I have a mini-muffin top going on. But they fit, and I can tuck my shirt and not feel like I look like golfer John Daly pre-stomach stapling surgery (Google his pics, if you dare. Don't say you haven't been warned).

And I was okay with that, certainly not unhappy, but not turning cartwheels. Plus I got some lovely comments, here and on my site and on Facebook, about new pics, new milestones hit, etc.

I should feel fantastic.

Yet I am, well, I'm okay.

I guess some of it is just from it being still a tough slog. Or from it being, well, months away even if my current weight loss rate remains relatively constant. Or from having sent a note to a Plastic Surgeon, and wondering how all of that is going to go down. There is a finish line out there, and I can kinda, sorta see it. And it excites me and frightens me, all at the same time.

Everyone tells me I should feel amazing. And I do feel better. But it's not always perfection. There are plenty of down days. So I've started taking St. John's Wort again, something I thought I'd never do in the Summer as I love the Summer. But it's been cold as hell for weeks. I doesn't feel like Summer. It feels like gnarly, chilly, wet, stinky late Autumn. You know, when the trees are bare and the sky is the color of a battleship and you start seeing snow shovels and rock salt for sale? Yeah. It's felt like that. And I've gotten all of the attendent internal feelings that go along with it.

Not so easy to admit to myself that I am so affected, but I am. They call it Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it makes sense in January. But in June it just seems like so much ingratitude. Like my body and my mind don't know what the heck is happening but are dragging the me part along for the ride. And I don't want to go, but I'm strapped in anyway.

So forgive me if I am not turning cartwheels, and I seem ungrateful and strange, and aloof and remote, and even with an optimistic song -- for I do feel that as well -- some of it is also a slight bit of, well, believe it or not, sorrow. I have said before that I don't know who I am any more. And sometimes I don't, and that is hard to take. I identified in this manner, as an oh so big person, for so very, very long. It is hard to break out of that.

************ Quick Interlude To Talk About Numbers And Do The Month In Review Thing

151.4 lbs. off since January of 2008. Down from size 28 to size 10, more or less officially.
Measurements are decent, at or close to most personal best levels. Energy levels are good. Getting hit on, on occasion, which amuses me. Able to handle the hunger. Able to change things up enough to hack away at a plateau, even if the hacking is imperfect. Size 10 pants, size 7 panties, mediums all over the place. All systems more or less a go. ************

And now here's where I really show how strong my geek hand is:

In the book, _2001_ (not the movie!), Sir Arthur C. Clarke talks about the ape-men and the effect that the monolith is having on them. And he wrote the most extraordinary thing. He wrote, "The very atoms of his simple brain were being changed." And that's what is happening to me. On an atomic level, hell, let's go for broke, on the subatomic, quark and meson level, I am going through alterations. The electrons are being made to bang a uey and my consciousness is kinda losing its way a little. No wonder I've got identity issues; the whole shooting match is being changed up. Over, under, sideways, down.

I do hope that's coherent and I don't sound any wackier than, well, than usual.

I appreciate your kindnesses more than you may know. And I do feel good, mostly. But there's still that pain that comes from flipping around the neurons. All I can tell you is that I am sure that I do believe. Not just in plateau-busting and in Spark and in the powers of exercise and diet and positive thinking. But in that person who looks back at me when I glance in a mirror.

Whoever the hell that is.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KSIGMA1222
    4171 days ago
    I'm plonking this here because it's so apropos and so I can find it again. Yes, it's scientific and everything, I am not making this up. It is the second-dimmest June on record in the Boston area and we are gunning for the #1 spot. See:

    They've been keeping the records since something like 1889. This is not a happy record to be breaking.
    4171 days ago
    You know - you don't have to apologize for how you feel. I got a similar feeling recently, when I had to get a new ID card at work. I asked them to take a new photo, and comparing the two is mind-numbing. I should be proud and happy about the change, and I guess I am - but I am also sad and wonder who I am now.
    4172 days ago
    I feel the same way sometimes! Like I don't know how to feel in my own skin. I have been at this for almost 3 yrs and just cannot seem to get to my goal weight and it's more than frustrating. You have lost so much weight and it's truly inspiring! Keep on plugging along and keep that chin up! Tiff
    4172 days ago
  • SPARKLE72023
    If you live in the So. California area, I can understand you suffering from SADD right now. They're having the "June Gloom" weather thing & the sun keeps hiding itself.
    HANG IN THERE - - - it will get better !!!!

    You're still doing great with the weight loss.
    I hope you can cheer up some so that you can appreciate YOURSELF more!!!

    4172 days ago
    Am I ever glad you wrote about this. Thanks.

    I have a disconnect from the person I saw in the mirror for the last 15 years. I kept thinking I was going to see someone thin. I was always unpleasantly surprised. And along the way I started to pick up a touch of shame. And a dribble of denial.

    After reading your blog this morning I am thinking that getting fitter and thinner won't completely change my moodiness. Eating my self into a stupor did not help. Exercise really does help a lot but there are times and challenging situations when it does not go far enough. Anxiety is my personal demon. And I have a dose of it today as I await biopsy results that are going to be whatever they are going to be. Anxiety is not helping at all.

    So I guess for today I have to remember that this feeling will pass.
    4172 days ago
    Whether or not you feel amazing, you ARE amazing, and don't forget that! You have really transformed yourself... I can relate to not being sure who that person is in the mirror -- and I've lost less than 1/2 the weight that you have. I think that when we "identify" ourselves as fat people for so much of our lives, it is really, really hard to get used to the idea of "not fat" -- I had that thought standing in front of a roomful of people recently and intend to blog about it at some point. I've had this negative conversation going on with myself about 80% of the time about how I was the fattest person in the room, at the pool party, wherever... and now that's just... gone. And now I'm not sure what conversation to have!

    Hang in there... this weather is DREADFUL. But those mesons are looking pretty spectacular, even if they are a tad damp!
    4172 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/23/2009 6:58:03 AM
    WOW! you have lost a person! You are oing great.. cheer up!
    4172 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Sorry you're feeling SAD (no joke).
    The wheel keeps turning...

    4173 days ago
    Hey there. I wouldn't underestimate the impact of the weather on how you're feeling. So what if it is not January. I don't know very much about Seasonal Affective Disorder except to know that it is related to sunlight - or lack thereof. And we've had so very little of that. I am not affected myself, but I do notice that my mood, energy levels seem to have been impacted.

    Something you wrote struck me. "Everyone tells me I should feel amazing". But, you know, you don't need to feel the way people think you should. You feel the way you feel. And I don't believe there's a need to ask forgiveness for that.

    You have accomplished very much, and you will continue to do so. I don't know - maybe you just need to give your brain some time to catch up with it all. Hopefully, getting it out of your head and onto "paper" helps some.

    Of course, the sun coming & staying out couldn't hurt either! emoticon
    4173 days ago
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