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Struggles + Stubbornness = REJUVENATION

Thursday, June 11, 2009

As I have been going on and on about my struggles with food and motivation these last few days/week. I noticed a few things that might have directly or indirectly effected my efforts:
I gave up caffeine - without really trying to.
I haven’t been taking my vitamin’s - which for me is not good at all since I am vitamin D deficient and when I don’t take it I feel lethargic, bored, easily agitated, tired, and just grumpy.
I haven’t been drinking enough water – 6 to 12 oz a day just isn’t enough.
I wait too long to eat my dinner – which causes me to be starving and on a rampage to shovel food into my face.
I have not been planning my meals good enough – I think about what I might eat but not a real plan. By not planning, I plan to not do well.
I started my period last night – enough said.
The good news is the caffeine headaches are gone, I started taking my vitamins yesterday, I am making a better effort at the water drinking, I am planning out my eating for the next week, and I only get my period once a month. So, I feel I am on the down hill.

A good friend of mine emailed me this morning with the most encouraging words. “You are not a failure, you are not failing...you/we are on a journey. This journey has peaks, mountains, valleys, and rivers to climb and go through. Your on a hill, having to work hard to climb over. Will there be some falls? You betcha', but will you get up and keep moving, even if it is only crawling that gets you over the edge... yep....you can and will! I know you can do it.” Hearing from my friends that they believe in me and think that I can do it and have faith that I have the strength to conquer all things – it brings a new hope to my senses that I didn’t have before and it also helps me to see that my pity-party is mostly in my head (which is exactly what the devil wants me to believe about myself). Not to say that the struggles are not real… they are just not as huge as my head makes them out to be. So, thank you to all who have sent me encouraging messages and showed me some new ways to look at things. It has really helped me to push though.

Yesterday, was a learning and turning point for me. My past hard times I would white knuckle it till its over but this time, I immersed myself in the thought and feelings, listened to what my body was telling me. I thought about why I am not doing good and why do I want to eat fast food. In addition to the things listed above, I was craving salt. I try really hard not to add salt to things since salt makes you retain water and in turn causes me to feel heavy and bloated. But what is worse? Feeling bloated or craving fast food? I, for sure, would rather feed the salt craving with 99% fat free popcorn, 100 calorie cheese-it snacks, or adding salt to my veggies to avoid the thoughts of chicken nuggets, big macs, and grilled stuffed burritos.

In addition to learning about my body and what it craves, last night, even though I was on strike and felt as though I would die if I went - I hit the gym. But as you can all see and read, I didn’t die and not only that but I am feeling so much better because I did go. I started my work out with stretching, then 20 of running (treadmill - 4 min @ 4.2 speed (which is my comfortable running pace) followed by 2 sets of 4 min @ 5.0 speed and 4 min @ 4.2. Which was super hard! Then I worked out my total upper body with the weight machines (abs, back, arms, shoulders). Then finished with 20 more minutes with the same intervals as before (treadmill - 4 min @ 4.2 speed, followed by 2 sets of 4 min @ 5.0 speed and 4 min @ 4.2). I took a shower at the gym (which always feels great getting all the sweat off and having as much hot water as I want – aww… the joys in life) and had an afternoon date with my mother-in-law to go to Goodwill to look for pants for me.

I am between 2 sizes right now (18 and 16) and my 18’s are beginning to just hang off me! YEAH! So, when I got to Goodwill I went straight to the plus size section and started looking for 16’s – with no luck. Learning that plus sizes only go up to 18 – I was now in the “normal” size sections – YEAH! I meandered over to the rows and rows of “normal” sized clothes and started looking and came across some white pants (size 16 - that still have store tags on them and were in perfect shape). But I realized I don’t have any shirts that go with while slacks, which meant if I couldn’t find a shirt to match then I cannot get them. But I found a shirt that was perfect. I went to try them on and was instantly surprised that I wasn’t between two sizes at all, I was truly a size 16, they fit perfectly (with no stretch material) and I felt great in them. I remember turning around in the mirror a couple times thinking how amazing it was that I was in a size 16 – which means I have dropped 4 dress sizes from a 24 to a 16.

Question for my readers: When will I look in the mirror and really see someone skinner? I still look in the mirror and feel completely fat and not any thinner. Which I KNOW isn’t true based on the size of clothes I am wearing. I just want to look in the mirror and see what is real, not what I feel. Will this ever change?

I honestly feel silly when the slump/hard times have passed because I look back and think, what was my issue? I am totally and completely blessed.

The uphill was difficult but I am on the down hill now… lets just hope it a LONG downhill.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi Beth!

    I really enjoyed your blog. You are doing so great. I know that you don't see it or feel it sometimes but from the outside looking in I can see how you are transitioning to this healthier, fit and motivated person. Yes, it's so hard. Believe me I know. Just yesterday I was so tired from the work day that I wanted to stop for fast food so I could get something quick, go home and relax. It was just a thought and it passed. It happens to all of us but we keep working at it because it's so rewarding and we are in this journey to change our lives for the long haul.

    Keep up the hard work. You can do this one day at a time.

    Denise emoticon
    4355 days ago
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