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Doubt or Gratitude

Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Do I believe in New Year's Resolutions? Absolutely. I'm living one, and today is one year full of one.

Last year, 12/31/2007, I promised myself I would treat myself better. Not diet. Not exercise. Not lose weight. Not a makeover. Just treat myself better.

Resolutions are kind of -- they remind me of those old-fashioned proclamations that you sometimes see in the minutes of town board meetings in small burgs. You know what I mean. They go something like this:

Being that it is the thirty-first of December
and that it is the birthday of our native son, Zeke Koznofsky,
and that he invented the fluglehofer switch,
we hereby declare and resolve that today and henceforth every December thirty-first it is Zeke Koznofsky Day here in Clamburg.

So I see them as kind of like one of these little declarations to yourself. I think the resolving can be, and should be, somewhat vague. Resolutions aren't plans. They're generalized statements of intent. The plans, the details, are what work out for you over time. It's what devolves as the year progresses. Hence for me the resolution to treat myself better became one to exercise. It became one to watch my caloric intake. It became one to take alli. It became one to eat better quality foods, and foods that were new to me. It became one to join Spark and become a part of this marvelously supportive community. And it also became one to truly treat myself better, not just in physical health but in mental and emotional health as well. To stop beating myself up if I messed up. To not think of this as a quick fix with a finish line, but rather as a new piece of my daily routine and life, as natural and normal and regular as brushing my teeth or going online. To give myself the opportunity to not only succeed, but also to fail, and to not have one moment of failure or doubt or indecision or lack of resolve wipe out all of those days and moments of success and planning and care and effort and grit and determination.

So my resolution, which worked so perfectly over the year -- how perfectly? 114 lbs. off perfectly, 25 lbs. lifted every day at 15 reps for 3 sets for 6 exercises perfectly. 1800 calories without being starving every day perfectly, 30 or more minutes of cardio every day perfectly -- is the same as last year's. To treat myself better. Because it works.

Be it known that
today is the thirty-first of December 2008
and that jespah is a worthwhile person
despite her quirkiness and occasional bad moods
and that good things can happen
if you will only let them
and make the opportunity for them
and set the table for them
and take out their sneakers for them
and that life is too short to be unhappy
and too short to be hard on yourself
and that gratitude is better than doubt
and that there can be a miracle inside each and every one of us
and that all you need to do is reach in and pull it out
I hereby resolve that, in 2009, I, jespah, will treat myself better.

And I hope you will, too.
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