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And the Feeling That it's All a Lot of Oysters, But no Pearls

Monday, December 08, 2008


February is colder, and January is snowier, but December takes it for Seasonal Affective Disorder. And that may seem to be nuts when you think about it, because January has its share of dark days, too. But December has more of them. The last 20 days of December are the 20 darkest days of the year, plus for the first 20 days of December the amount of light is declining and declining and declining. So they are hard.

A lot of people look forward to holidays now, but Chanukah (even though it's one of the only holidays we actually do celebrate) is not a big deal by the time you become an adult (plus the traditional foods are all fried, so they ain't happening this year). Xmas, well, it's not my thing, and it won't become my thing. As a Jew, I suppose by definition I am a nonconformist of sorts and this time of year brings that out in spades. It all (I don't mean Xmas, I mean this time of year) ... and this is not meant to offend anyone; it just is what it is ... annoys me. I suspect a lot of that has to do with the airwaves having been taken over since Halloween. Ai yi yi.

In news that's more germane to SP, I had a small loss this week but have been kicking around the same 5 pounds since November 10th. And I know that this is a part of how I'm feeling, even though my measurements have improved. I've got new personal bests in my bicep, band, waist and hips. And those are all great accomplishments as I hurtle closer and closer to a size 16.

But it's not fair, as the scale is king when it comes to this. And so, while I appreciate being smaller, I'd like for the scale to agree with that assessment. I know, too, that the scale not moving, for me, has a lot to do with stepping up the exercise. Once my body gets the muscle built from this extra exercise, I'll start to drop again. It is discouraging, though. I was averaging 11 pounds lost per month (not unheard of on alli) and now to be going at less than half that pace (and I am well aware that others go slower, and this is not a race), well, it's less than optimal. I know that the way I am feeling is fueling this attitude, which is fueling my emotions and around and around we go.

Medicating yourself with exercise only goes so far. Adding in St. John's Wort, eating more mushrooms and in general eating right and getting enough sleep, those all only go so far. I am going to see about purchasing a full-spectrum light. It's time.

I have accepted some invitations to do things, and know that I need to get out and be somewhat active, but right now it feels rather overwhelming. I have a natural tendency to just want to stay in and sleep and I just can't -- and shouldn't -- do that. It was 13 degrees this morning when I stepped outside to go to work. Fortunately, in order to get to work, I've got to venture out and I've got to walk. And then the same in reverse. I am committed to getting in extra walking on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and I did not make today into an exception. I'm tired, though. Perhaps I'm coming down with something.

One thing that also heartened me was the oil bill. The last one was over $800 and I was scared that this one would be similar, but it was about 1/3 of that. Hence we can turn up the heat a bit. It's been miserably freezing in the house, making it extremely uninviting, so that will help a lot.

Plus, I have things to look forward to. I am refusing any number of invitations, but this weekend I'm going to see a friend whose friend (you got that?) has clothes for me. And then the following Friday I've got a lunch date with a guy who I write with. Or, rather, we both write, then we critique each other's work. I haven't seen him in months. That day will also be a full day off. Then the following week is only two and a half days off and then I'm out of the office until the first week in January. I need the break desperately. Plus I have plans.

My plans for the end of year break are not some fabulous trip. Rather, my husband and I are going to paint my exercise area. I'll post before and after shots. I am looking for an oceanic type of theme. Something serene. Right now it's the very antithesis of serenity.

There are cures for this feeling, but the biggest cure is light mixed with time. In the meantime, though, there are a few things I can do in order to make things bearable and make the recovery go all the more smoothly. Stick with the plan. See a few friends, but not too many. Take control over a space or area or something, and beat back the chaos. Take time off. And get through it, any way possible.

I guess the Winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower
about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold onto these moments as they pass
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ha, that made me laugh. Thanks! :)
    4361 days ago
    Oh yeah, I don't listen to her either -- just like I don't shop at Walmart or ever pick my nose.

    But I root for her.

    4361 days ago
    Ha, thank you. I don't listen to her, but I listened to what you posted and I can see why she would write/perform such a song.
    4363 days ago
    whatever it takes
    whatever works

    4364 days ago
  • SUMITH2008
    Hey my wonderful friend Jespah! You are doing so well with your weight loss and for that you should be very proud!!!!, and while the scale might not budge (mine to) this is a life style change for all of us so time is on our side. Once we get to our ideal weight, the game is not over right?.... we still have to carry on and take care of ourselves and try not to fall off the track though most likely we will (human nature) and that's when we will have to course correct and carry on. My friend Jespah, take your time don't worry to much about how many lbs you lose this week or the following week. Main thing is that you make a effort to stay active, and you have the choice to up the intensity and enjoy life for that reason. Don't burn yourself out fretting about how quick you want to get thin or lose weight, do it right reasons and feel good about it. I think that's what counts the most.
    4365 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/17/2008 2:05:53 AM
    Well, I think we'll be painting the bathroom, too. We have ambitions. They may all be shot by the time the time off rolls around. I dunno. :)
    4371 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    I think painting your exercise area together sounds like fun, and then you can offer to take him in the shower and wash the paint off his face. emoticon emoticon
    4371 days ago
    Ah, sweetie, you're so kind. The light I think will be my Chanukah present to myself. Today is warm and tomorrow will be warmer, which will help a lot. 60 F they claim but I'll believe it when I feel it.

    Heh I was made a Motivator because of a positive attitude. Right now that makes me smile. I know it'll come back -- it just strikes me as funny right about now.
    4373 days ago
    I want to send you some sunshine, but we're sorely lacking here. I am just happy it's snow outside where I live, since it's SO MUCH LIGHTER then.
    I love your blogs and hope it helps you to write the emotions. Let me know if there's anything I can do, my friend, I'm here for you. emoticon emoticon
    4373 days ago
    I hear you about the lack of light. It is miserable, and to be cold on top of it. . .
    Let me know how you make out with the lights.
    4373 days ago
    Hmmm I'm on 1800 cals/day and hitting at or close to it. But I've been low on fats. Seems weird -- go eat more fat, jes!

    Helfino but it sounds good.

    And maybe the mushrooms need some time to kick in.

    I am also under stress, the office wants a buncha stuff done by the end of the year and it just ain't happening.
    4373 days ago
    Mushrooms aren't working? That's terrible. You totally need the light box. St. Johns Wart is not good for me. I use L-Tryptophan for that. And I do what you to. I have light bulbs that are full spectrum. And it does help my mood. I live in Floriduh for a reason, that helps too. Mushrooms work for me. It maybe that it's because for me the mushroom is comfort food.

    I'm glad your measurements are personal bests, I seem to remember you having this before. You will get through this. The perenial question when this happens is are you eating enough for your current level of exercise. You might be in starvation mode and your body gone all conservative. Are you eating at the bottom or the top of your range? Just a thought. Take care of yourself.
    Emma emoticon emoticon
    4373 days ago
    This is the first time I've read any of your posts. I was hooked with the Neil Young link. Love it.

    Oh I love that you are so verbal! I wasn't surprised to discover that you're a writer.

    You just have to take those controlling manipulative "do-gooders" that know how to take care of everyone but themselves with a grain of salt.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    PS: All those oysters are pure protein, baby! emoticon
    4373 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/9/2008 7:13:37 AM
    Thanks for sharing this. I do hope it helped to write out your feelings. December is a tough month for many people. There really are a lot more oysters than pearls, but heck, all it takes is finding that one.

    4373 days ago
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