Day 5 of 18, last long workday this week, crispy crunchy
Friday, April 25, 2008
Today's a busy day (get to coordinate and direct recording sessions for sound) so this will be short and sweet.
Proud of: I did THREE one leg squats on my right leg, and barely 1 on my left, but still, yay! I squatted 180, which is what my guy friend does, and my arms still feel like jelly.
I was thinking about how my focus has changed over this journey. When I was 265, I was only concerned about not being fat, or being less fat. I wanted the weight to come off, and I wanted it to come off so I could look better. I didn't realize that I cared about eating healthy, or that changing my diet would give me energy and take care of some of the "feeling like crap" days. I just thought I was getting old, yeah, that's what I had convinced myself. I'm not even 30 yet. I didn't care about working out, I did what I could stomach (and actually stopped for a good long while last spring and summer), but I had convinced myself that I didn't care about being strong and fit. My poor little inner athlete must have been pounding and screaming and throwing a tantrum then, just like she does now when I don't work out for more than a day. :)
So I guess the moral is - there is this big stigma about losing weight because you want to look good. Well, that's what got me up off my arse and made me force portion control on myself. I had no idea I would become addicted to running and exercise in general. I had no inkling of the joy each muscle starting to protrude from the shrinking fleshy mass would bring. I couldn't have imagined the energy I'd have, and that a workout after a long 12 hour day is good to unwind, not just a forgettable item on the to-do list. It started off with a desire to feel good about my appearance again. Now it's just so much more.
Ok, must get ready for a long day, here is the beginning of the stats and stuff:
Crunch Report! Day 5 of 18
Calories Out: (1648+0) = 1648
Calories In: 1332 (316)
Sleep: 6.5 hours
Fruits/Veggies: 4 (boo)
Stress Level: 2
Emotions/Mood: So over these hours. But at least I have a fun day which will keep me busy, pho for lunch, and going to a movie tonight.
Crunch Food Ordered: meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy, and broccoli. Ate half, giving the rest to fiance.
Exercise: Day off, walking to the movies and back
Weight: 188.2 (eh, I'll take it, TOM and I feel bloated)
Weekly Deficit So Far: 2260
EDIT: Oh yeah, I just saw a friend's wedding pictures, and they were BREATHTAKING. She looked so amazing. That right there removed every doubt and selfish and guilty feeling I had about wanting to wait to get married until I had gotten my act together. She will always be able to look at those pictures with fond memories and say, yep, I looked amazing that day. If I would have just decided that it was time to get married a few years ago (believe me, it wasn't him that waited 8 years, hehe) I probably wouldn't have even paid a photographer and would have just grabbed a nice enough dress from the store and not made a big deal out of it because, lets face it, we don't hang our fat pictures on the wall, we hide them in the closet. It's a different story if I wasn't morbidly obese and unhappy about it, but I was. And now I am not. And I will be a healthy, toned, fit bride that looks like a vision in silver or whatever color my dress ends up being. And that dress is being made by hand, not from the rack of a discount dress store.
EDIT 2: Ok, this was getting preachy for a message board post so I cropped it, but wanted to post it here.
I'm just a generally happy person. I was at 125, and I still was at 265. I also at my high weight didn't identify myself as Quix - hideous fat girl. I was Quix, talented upstart climbing the ranks quickly and Quix, youngest producer and project lead in the company. Yeah, I always knew I was big, and sometimes it got me down, but I knew I could either admit I wasn't ready to deal with the problem (which I did before 2007), or really dig in and do something about it (which I did starting last year). I've just always felt that it is just no use being upset about something if you are not giving it your all to fix. Though I wish it wouldn't have gotten that far, it was actually refreshing for once to not be focused on my weight. I was not my weight. My self worth had nothing to do with a number on the scale. Occasionally, it got in the way of life a bit, but I got to experience things in those years I never would have if I did not pour myself wholly into my job like I did.
And, honestly, since I've started spark and began getting consistent results, I've been extra happy! Since one-derland, extra, extra happy and for much better reasons. I've found that weight is even starting to take a backseat to fitness (which sort of takes care of weight as long as I eat decently). I am much more thrilled with an increase in how far I can run or how much I can bench, or that I can do 3 one leg squats on my right leg. The lb I lost this week is cool too, but the exercise was something I directly controlled and pushed myself for and conquered.
I've also been super happy because I make full use of my journal and work out all the emotions that I experience along the way. Most of us didn't gain the weight because we decided to eat more or just decided to not exercise. There is a very large mental component that you need to work through, and it is very freeing and zen to pinpoint and conquer each fear, inadequacy, and setback one by one. Once you put your fears in the light, they don't look so scary.
So be happy now! You do not automatically get handed bliss and joy when you attain a normal BMI. You can create and write and love and care and inspire and teach and lead and laugh and experience at any weight. Just...shopping is a little more fun now. I did miss that before. And I love being in pictures whereas before I thought all cameras were just out to get me. But really, how important are those things? Clothes are just to keep you warm (or at least not arrested for public indecency). Pictures are occasional unless you're a model. Know that you are a work in progress and that will come. If you can just take that disgust with yourself and turn it into desire and passion to keep moving, that will propel you forward. Instead of being frustrated with what you are, be inspired every time you do something that gets you where you want to be. Realize that if you really put your heart into it, I mean REALLY give it your all, you'll get there.
The truth is, and I am living proof - if you simply eat less calories than you burn, you will lose weight. I eat like a normal, busy, american (the last meal I ate at home was Saturday's lunch, everything else has been restaurant or takeout). I am rarely hungry. I do not make a special effort to eat low carb, low fat, I'm not on the GI diet or south beach or atkins or anything. While I try to get my fruits and veggies and eat brown rice and wheat bread instead of white, I only have one absolute rule - eat the amount of calories spark tells me to. If I eat more, I eat less the next day. I don't like eating less the next day, so I generally try to eat what I should. Today I wanted meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy, and veggies. I got it and ate half. All the yum, plenty of food, and I'm still below my calories and can have some wine tonight!
My second big secret - learn to love your sweat! I don't have to focus on being perfect foodwise (because I know thats my weakness, constant diety meals and having to cook every meal just wouldn't work for me) because I am very active. 5 times a week, I am panting, dripping sweat, and pushing myself just as far or further than I think I can go. This is my time, my zen time, my me time, my happy sweat time. Sometimes its hard to get myself going, but honestly, after 8 months of 3-5 (and 6 months of 5) days of regular intense excersise, it's really not. I had more of a conversation with myself one day about getting up to get a shower than I had to have to workout. There is nothing bad about it once you do two things - one, do it regularly enough that it's a habit, and you remember the awesome high you get after, and two-change your attitude from "I HAVE to exercise" to "I GET to exercise". Regular exercise as intense as you can do it, is the BEST gift you can give yourself.
Wow, I really do sound preachy, forgive me everyone! Guess it's a good thing work's over and it's time to go out to the movies. It was such an awesome day I guess I'm just full of inspiration and awe and joy I want to share it with EVERYONE! ROAR! Hehe, see you all tomorrow!