Day 4 of 18, slightly refreshed
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Yesterday at 6:30pm, the fire alarm tests started. And kept going. And going. It was so bad I had to leave 15 mins early. I almost jumped out of my skin every time it went off, and I'm really not that easily startled. Oh well, it's over now.
Yesterday, I came home around 8pm, sat outside and had a drink or 2 with the fiance, and then looked through some pictures we hadn't had a chance to (our friends collectively took over 1000 pictures in the last month or so), and then watched a few episodes of battlestar before I crashed around midnight. It was odd, looking at the pictures - it hadn't occurred to me that I've lost much weight since my birthday, but I guess I have. I was just honing in on 200 there, and now I'm bouncing around 188. 12 lbs doesn't seem like that much to me (at least, compared to 76), but my face has completely changed shape, and my top half has become a little more proportionate to the bottom. Which is totally ok with me, and it makes sense why I haven't seen much pants size droppage. It's just hard to see until you sit and look at a bunch of bad pictures - the ones I upload are the good, flattering ones, and of course I'm not going to look much different there, hehe.
So I was really digging into my psyche yesterday about what scares me with this leg of the journey. It was kinda theraputic to list them to myself so I want to list them out here for posterity.
1. I am scared of stopping short of my goal not because I am happy with myself, but because I'm just tired of trying. That is the reason I have stopped losing weight every other time. I know it's different this time because I am in this with my mind, body, and soul, and doing it with a positive attitude "I am doing this to love and care for my body" instead of a negative attitude "I'm so hideous I have to punish my body until it behaves". I just feel this nagging voice getting louder the skinnier I am, saying "You could be happy here, you're not fat anymore, just a little chubby, why not just rest here for a while..." I'm afraid that if I sit and rest it will be too hard to get up again, so I think I'm going to just keep walking even if I have to slow down my pace at times to catch my breath.
2. I am scared of not tracking my food. While I admit occasionally I leave off a bite of this or roughly estimate what I consume (instead of EVERY veggie listed at the salad bar, I plop 2 servings of mixed veggies on my tracker), I make a good effort to account for everything going in my body so I can know if I am eating enough (not too little or too much). There are some days I can do it mindfully and not really need to lean on the tracker to tell me what to eat, and sometimes it is the reality check I need to keep me from eating too much (or very occasionally, too little). I tried not tracking for the week over Christmas to New Years, and that was the start of my first and only plateau. This goes back to fear #1, not making progress.
3. I have never in my adult or teenage life been at a weight where I didn't think "hmmm, I could lose a few (or more than a few) lbs". When I was in gymnastics it was more for the sport than for vanity's sake, and I was more concerned with replacing fat with muscle than just getting rid of fat. I had no illusions that 5' 3" and 115-125 lbs and 8% bodyfat was rotund in any way, but leaner/muscular gymnastics can flip faster and fly further and I wanted to get better. Every other time, it was getting back to that dream weight I was then and failing at some step of the way. It got the the point where I convinced myself that it was impossible without working out 20-30 hours a week. While I know what will happen when I get to my goal weight (I'll continue to work on getting more toned), what happens when I'm toned enough? I don't want to be one of those people who look amazing but are unhappy with themselves, but I think I'll always have to have a carrot to keep motivated to not sit on the couch and eat doritos. I'll have to figure out things I can do (run faster and further, dance better, lift more) to keep myself going, and learn how to balance it with still being happy with myself.
4. I should know better, after a year and 4 months (and 8 months on spark losing CONSISTENTLY), but I still have that nagging voice "when is it going to stop working, when are we going to fail at this". This makes me cling tightly to what is working. The closer to my goal I get stalled, the more likely I am to lose steam. So if I'm fired up now at 187ish, its because I have at least 37 lbs to go. If I get stalled at 160, who knows if I'll feel the same way. And I really, for once in my life, would like to be completely happy with my weight, and simply focused on getting more fit and muscular.
So I guess to sum it up, I am frightened of losing a bunch of weight but not enough, and then stalling out because I've been lucky enough to hit only one 3 week plateau along the way (not counting time I was just attempting to maintain). Don't I sound like a whiner, hehe. But these are genuine fears I have. I used to think that people were silly when they said "losing is the easy part" but I guess when you get into a routine that works, it's easy to stay there. I can see that what will be hard is letting go and being able to fly on your own. And since I have to have a map, directions, and a plan in place before I start any journey, I am thinking this through NOW and trying to deal with these fears before I come head to head with them.
I've also decided that one thing I want to do is dance. I really miss it. Once we get off crunch, the boy and I are going to take a salsa class. I hope its enough calorie burning to count as a workout, but if not, I don't care - I want us to be able to go out dancing and he won't until he knows how and feels confident. Once I'm a little lower I think I'm going to try something more aerobicy dance, I've heard zumba might fit the bill. Working out at home or the office is just so EASY though (and I can work up a good sweat), but I'm really in need of something new and fresh to try.
I think that's all for me today. Work, have to pick a place for lunch, work, workout (I think I'm going to try the "mountain climber" workout on the treadmill for a change of pace - increasing the incline gradually up to 15% and then decreasing it down over 30-40 mins at about a 3.0 pace) and arms (more benching, yay), then go home and die. At least tomorrow is Friday, another designated no-workouty day and we're going to see a movie and have a pretty mellow night.
Crunch Report! Day 4 of 18
Calories Out: (1648+412) = 2060
Calories In: 1292 (768)
Sleep: 7.5 hours
Stress Level: 4
Emotions/Mood: Meh. Ready for the week to be over, a little rattled for no reason, but hanging in there. Today wasn't too bad.
Crunch Food Ordered: Jason's Deli build your own turkey on wheat ciabatta w/mustard, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onion, and lo fat swiss, cup o veggie soup. One of my favorite meals and its super lo cal (under 500 overall)
Exercise: 15 mins running at 5.3-5.5, 20 mins mountainclimbing (3.2-3.5 at 5-10 incline)
Weight: 189.2 (boo salt and impending TOM)
Weekly Deficit So Far: 1944