Afraid of Food (longwinded delving into my psyche)?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Lesse, since I last blogged...
-The track was occupied with a track meet on Thursday, so I did an indoor workout and went back Friday. I ran 1 1/4 mile and it wasn't much easier than the first time (it actually took me 2 laps to warm up oddly enough). Hopefully it was just the end of the week and I was tired. I'll try again Wednesday.
-I saw a new low of 189.2, but bounced way up the next day. I'm back to 190.4 today and hopefully a good workout will send me under 190 tomorrow. That would be sweet!
-I'm realizing these last 2-3 cigs per day I have are going to be the hardest to kick. My parnets arrived this weekend, and since I don't like to smoke around them, I was reaching for the MnMs instead of having my after dinner smoke. I only had 4, but still. As silly as it sounds, I'm really going to have to wait until my goal weight to try and quit, or I WILL gain a little weight doing it and get pissed off and frustrated and want to smoke MORE.
-My body is really into the crunchy veggies and soup and lean protien and carbs - I tried having a burger and tater tots on Saturday and actually left over half of my burger and all but a few tots because it made me ill. I then grabbed a soup and salad later and felt better. Sunday I ate really heavy, not super big portions (within my range), but heavy stuff (filet mignon, mashed potatoes, pizza) and felt bleh the next day too. Yesterday was a really good day of salads, soups, veggies, fish, and rice, and a good night of sleep. I feel like a new person. While not everyone would consider broccoli cheese soup, sourdough bread and butter, and white rice part of a healthy diet, what I ate yesterday made me feel so much "body better" than this weekend. My inner works are definitely different than other peoples.
So a topic came up on the message boards - are you AFRAID of food? My first thought was...hell no, I love food! Food is my friend! But then I'm examining my behaviors and maybe I am not as buddy buddy with food as I think. Even after 7 months on spark and losing 45 lbs, I track every morsel that goes in my mouth EVERY DAY. Today, I had to veto TGIFridays for lunch because I was so hungry, I was terrified I was going to make a bad choice. I guess I am the same way about exercise, I get ALL uppity if someone tries to take away or cut short my exercise time, and I HAVE to burn a certain amount of calories or I feel gyped (walking just doesn't cut it).
I guess I am fearful of losing steam because what I am doing is working. Examining all the other times in my life I've lost weight (and believe me, most of my teenage and adult life I've had losing weight on the brain), and you see a few patterns.
-Most times, it's been on accident. I was always making at least a halfhearted attempt to watch my calories, but when I dropped weight, it was due to a spontaneous increase in activity. One time, it was because I was hanging out constantly with a group of very active friends that worked all the way across the mall, and was trying to save money so I survived on free pizza at closing and other people's leftovers. Healthy, isn't it *shudder*. One time, I was so busy and doing dancing theatre instead of cooking and grocery shopping I survived on a couple boxes of crackers a week (I was also a little depressed because I had just had a messy breakup). The only time it's been on purpose was the atkins atrocity and that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.
-I've never lost weight from eating healthy. I just didn't have faith in it. It was usually times in my life when I was too busy to eat or was restricted to a diet of things I didn't like. I also had a very skewed idea of how many calories were in things.
-I've never lost weight and kept it off for very long, or even got to my goal weight. Starting at 125, gaining to 175, losing to 150, gaining to 195, losing to 170, gaining to 230, losing to 205, gaining to 265...and my goal was always 125 (or a little higher like 150-170 once I was over 200). I just have this driving fire inside me that is telling me I HAVE to get to my goal weight, or I'm scared of where I will end up. I have to get it right this time because I cannot go back to where I was. I do NOT want to have to do this again. I WILL NOT spend another 2+ years of my life paying for my own mistakes. Sure, this journey has taught me a lot, but one of those things is....I don't want to travel this way again.
-I've usually lost weight because something dramatic was happening in my life - breakups, lonliness, sadness, discontent - so before this time, it was always something I associated with negative feelings. Something unfortunate to get over as soon as possible so I can be happy again.
-I've never had much faith in exercise, because before 6 months ago I could never get regular exercise and eating right together. Exercise has usually played the part of helping stave off the incoming fatness from eating poorly and too much.
So, to sum it up, I have never had very successful experiences with losing weight. This time has been way different.
-I have put together a regular exercise program and counting calories. This is vital to losing weight for me. I can lose without the exercise but not as easily. I cannot lose weight without attention to eating, exercise alone only maintains my weight.
-Instead of the mystical "eat healthy" I have cold, hard facts to face in my food tracker. Sure, it's mostly an estimate, but it doesn't lie. I can't just ignore those MnMs I ate.
-While I am a bit neurotic about how much and when I eat, 99% of the time LIKE what I eat, and can incorporate almost anything I want into my day if I want it that badly.
-There is no good food and bad food (unless I find it makes me feel icky). There is just food that fits into my calorie plan today and food that doesn't.
So with this awesome 7 month workout streak and a great attitude about food, what am I fearful about? Well, someday I am going to have to stop tracking. I don't want to go on vacation and write down everything I ate. I don't want to have to fight my body (like today, I am extremely hungry but I've already planned out my calories and I just can't eat more until my snack later), I don't want to worry about how many calories I burn, I just want to be active! But for right now adhering to the plan (tracking everything and being strict about it) is working, and the end IS in sight. I can hang on until then, I'm just a little frightened about what will happen then.
Usually I post such more uplifting things...hmmm. It's really not as dire as it sounds. A good chunk of the time, it's effortless and my body wants to eat what it should and wants to be active, and lose the weight like the numbers say it will, and those times are the BEST! Somedays, you're hungry and cravy and grumpy and tired and want to tell that voice in your head pushing the veggies and workout today to stuff it and eat some french fries and lay on the couch with a big bowl of ice cream. Those are the days that the ONLY thing keeping me in line is the food tracker. What happens when I don't have to write it all down? What stops me then? If I stop monitoring my calories out from exercise, what will stop me from cutting a workout short on a day I'm not feeling it or not doing it altogether?
I know the answer is ME. The logical part of me knows that once I get to the point where I'm happy, I will continue to weigh in every day, and if I hit a certain number I have promised myself it's back to being strict with myself. I know I can make that commitment to myself. I have no issue with that and have no qualms that it will be neccessary to keep me in line. The emotional side of me is scared that once the constraints are off, I'll slip back into my old ways and start gaining weight, and then put off restarting til Monday, and then all of a sudden I'm back to my size 22s without knowing how.
So, that being said, I guess I have some things to work through before I really let go. Maybe once I hit goal I'll wean myself off tracking (track only every other week, then once a month, and then only if I feel I'm off track or have gained some) as long as I feel like I'm still doing well. I guess it's also hard to grasp that within the next year, I'll need to start a new experience - not trying to lose weight but still trying to be healthy. I know I haven't completely wrapped my head around that. I think I might have to go read up on maintaining weight a bit. It's totally premature, I have at least 40 lbs to go, but it is something I'd like to become confident and have a plan about.
Ok, enough navel gazing. Going to go get some work done, tell my stomach to SHUT UP (but not with burger king, silly commercials) until later when I eat my yummy grapefruit and shepard's pie dinner, and get a really good sweat on.