SP Premium
BEENIEMOM

SparkPoints
 

sabotage

Sunday, March 30, 2008

O.k.....Time for me to get real.I always start a program full of energy and ppumped for success,then I almost always fall away and seem to stop caring!What is wrong with me and why do I do this to myself!I have gained back most of what I have lost so far I just havent gone in and changed my ticker yet! I keep procrastinating!

I have come to realise from the prodding of some posts and some good spark friends that I am actually afraid of what life will be like if I actually loose the weight once and for all! I have used my weight as an excuse not to have to face certain things and I know now that I cant continue doing that!In my previous blog I was saying how I was done with being fat.....done with all this crap that makes me unhealthy and unhappy but I dont think I really dealt with all of the underlying issues!My self esteem is a huge issue......not because I am overweight but because I dont believe in myself enough! So ..,how do I overcome my own fears and my own lack of self worth....I am so good at telling others to believe in themselves!

I guess its time to put the work in to me! I am gonna need a few friends to give me a kick in the butt when they see me starting to say that I am faultering.........and I will say so! I need to see changes in my mind set......permanent changes not just ...pumped up this week and wishy washy next week!...I have a couple of challenges started with a couple of friends and I am deciding right now that I am going to do well on those challenges! I cant be good to the others in my life if I am not good to me!Make me accountable my spark friends....and maybe soon I will be better at being accountable to my self!...oops not maybe......I WILL be more accountable to my own well being!
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TOOTLEPIP
    I know this blog is several months old, but I felt compelled to comment. You spoke to me. Keep plugging away. Thanks for the welcome to the Emotional Eaters team and I see that we are also on another team together too. I hope you don't mind that I am adding you as a friend on my sparkpage.. I am a 47 year old wife and motherand havea wonderful husband and four children ages 12 - 23. My oldest is a girl and then three boys.
    Pam
    4555 days ago
  • MISSTHEREALME
    Hi Tina, I know you wrote this a few months ago but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel! I completely relate to everything you said and isn't it funny how the kindest and most supportive motivators out there (such as yourself:) are so hard on themselves! I know this and understand it. I've gained some weight back too and haven't changed my ticker either cause it makes me mad and I'd rather wait till it's off again and start from there! You are going to do this just as I am- you are such a positive and kind influence and if all the support you give to others is truly deserving, how much more so is that true for yourself! We can and will do this! Together we'll look back on the before-it-alls and think, we are SO DONE!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4566 days ago
  • BABYFACE26
    This blog is about 4 mos. old. Can't help but wonder how you've been doing? Your comments spoke to me, in a powerful way. I've noticed lately how much I judge myself, when I lose focus...and i have always had the self esteem issues...and problems in Believing in myself. But i don't think its because I'm afraid of not being overweight. I think, its the difficulty of keeping those positive thoughts in my head, and the overwhelming habit of using food for emotional comfort. I feel sad, I feel lost, and the immediate impulse is to put food in my mouth. You go on "auto-pilot"...which is so easy to do, because its a HABIT...and, for so many of us, its a habit that began in our childhood. ..and food tastes good. I think also the problem is that we never learned how to nurture ourselves fully, to Mother our own selves... and to also say No when the child wants something thats bad for herself.
    ..and yes, I'm the same way, first gung ho, then I seem to give up! I always felt, that if we do sabotage ourselves, its from using food as a drug. ...do you think?
    Hope you are doing well.

    Ellen

    4574 days ago
  • KOKOROCKY
    Wow Girl you hit the nail dead on with what you said, you are not alone and now I know I am not either.
    Thanks for the Blog , It just put me in the right direction.
    Good luck to ya! emoticon
    4586 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/30/2008 1:45:36 PM
  • ~THERESA

    The image of an onion becoming smaller as each layer is peeled away, I try this same way to peel away my many layers of personal issues and excess poundage.

    'Pumped up this week and wishy-washy next' it makes me think of my happily peeling away (pumped up) - thinking I'm making progress - then sadly realizing (becoming wishy-washy)there is nothing but another layer and another, a seemingly endless process of lifelong learning.

    For me to realize and expect with certainty that each layer I remove will reveal another layer, rather than the holy grail of self actualization, is a freedom of sorts. It gives me the freedom to continue.

    Question: How do I overcome my own fears and my own lack of self worth? Answer: Be your own parent. Nurture yourself, build yourself up the way you would a child.

    God bless,
    Theresa
    4632 days ago
  • BEVHALSE
    Tina,
    Someone told me body identification is one of the most basic forms of ego....the good news is that it is also the one that you can most easily go beyond. This is done NOT by trying to convince yourself that you are not your body, but by shifting your attention from the external form of your body and from thoughts about your body...whether beautiful, ugly, strong ,weak, too fat, too thin....whatever ...to the feeling of aliveness inside your body...No matter what your body's appearance is on the outer level, beyond the outer form is the real you....it is obvious to me that the real you from what you have blogged is being beat down by your own thoughts of some kind of negativity about what a beautiful wonderful person you are inside....let yourself catch a break....you are just right! Yes get healthier and happier you deserve it...but do not let yourself be negative about one thing that is the real you because God made you perfect....and I mean that...Happy Mother's Day special person!
    4636 days ago
  • WOLFKITTY
    Tina, all silliness aside, I completely understand. When I started Spark I realized I've used weight to keep myself unattractive because I've had a fear of been afraid of being attacked by men (since childhood).

    If you could list the reasons that you think you might be holding onto the weight, it'll make it that much easier to overcome them. Do an "I'm afraid to lose weight because..." writing exercise and list a minimum of 10 things, more if they come spilling out. No matter how small, if you write it out, that's NAMING them, and you can definitely triumph over a "named enemy".

    You can definitely do this! And it's WONDERFUL that you get pumped up about something and energetic. You can sustain that feeling once you deal with the sabotage. I know it!

    I believe in you.
    Jocelyn
    4646 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/1/2008 1:28:25 PM
  • DIZZYMISSLIZZY4
    I totally feel you on this. I'd always lose 10 lbs and then quit and I think I'm scared of getting the results I want. Now I've lost 25 lbs and I've started putting it back on (I'm at 5 lbs of it gained.) I gotta stop it NOW and get back on track.
    4671 days ago
  • SUNLUVV
    Wow! I see I am far from alone when it comes to comforting myself with food ,instead of dealing with issues. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I know it's all about never giving up, and making as many right choices as possible. Seems I can do right for so long, then I just can't take it anymore. The stress hits hard and I revert back to my old ways. All I know is that maybe we can all just try to rely on and encourage each other. Feel free to e-mail me anytime! We can do this together!
    4677 days ago
  • XROXYGIRL19X
    Hey there Spark mom! I have officially adopted you as my spark mom! You are dealing with the same issues I feel each day. I let relationships with others go just because I get so depressed but I feel this website is gonna help us both alot! If you ever need me I am always here! You are amazing and don't you forget it!

    Love,
    Crystal
    4677 days ago
  • KMEKATE
    I'm so glad you posted - I totally need to do exactly what you said! I have been staying the same for what, 3 or 4 weeks now? Doing just enough to stay there, when instead I could have been down at least another five pounds by now. Thanks for getting me going in the right direction again.
    4678 days ago
  • IXRAYU
    Everyone else has already said anything that I caould possibly want to say to you! But I am here for you if you need someone to listen or give you a kick (only if you ask for it though).
    4678 days ago
  • EMMASMART
    You and I we got the same trouble. We are great with the advice. Not so great with following our own. Try when you tell someone to believe in themselves take a moment and try to follow your own advice. You should definately believe in yourself and I should believe in myself. I think we both need to examine the evidence. Are you good mother? Good wife? Good friend? Helpful sparker? What's not to believe in? That's my advice to BOTH of us.

    Emma
    4678 days ago
  • SKINNYNANNY
    Tina
    i know what you are talking about, I seemed to have fallen into the same vicious cylce. There is not rhyme or reason to wanting success and at the same time being afraid of it. I am here to kick you in the butt, and tell you that you can do this, you are worth the effort, and you will feel so much better on so many levels as you take one step at a time to get where you want to be! Sweet lady, you are such a inspiration with your love for others,and that gorgeous smile! Depression is a ugly bed fellow, and doesn't want us to succeed in our goals. If you need some extra outside help to deal with your other issues, I would encourage you to find a way to do that. I had some child hood issues that I didn't really realize were holding me back from loving myself,and allowing me success. I felt like I lost 100 pounds when I finally released it all! you know that we are here for you. It really does help me to read others stories and successes! It gives me hope and makes me think,,,if they could do it ! I can too!
    if I can do anything at all to help keep you focused and on track....I am here.
    if this stupid computer problem would get solved! I know it will soon.
    you are so special, please don't get discouraged, take one day at a time, and soon....you will be where you want to be! thanks for being honest in your blog.
    you are loved
    tina1
    4678 days ago
  • DANALM17
    Hi Sweet Tina, boy, have I missed you. I'm so glad you blogged this morning.
    I can't tell you how many diets I've tried. I've paid big bucks over the years to lose the weight only to have it find its way right back to me.

    Before I started SP I had finally figured out that what I needed was therapy, and it was my plan to find a counselor and get started, but instead I found
    SP.

    No, I haven't lost the weight, yet, but I'm telling you, girl, I'm getting healed.

    Sure, I have my down moments, but I feel like a whole new woman, emotionally, and I can, finally, see light at the end of the tunnel.
    I know for the first time, ever, that when this weight does come off that I will be due to making the proper lifestyle changes and that I will be in total control... to me that's AMAZING!!!

    I guess, what I'm trying to tell you is that I understand that you want to lose the weight, but if emotional issues are keeping that from happening then the whole ride is just going to be bumpy and lacking confidence.

    Please, don't beat yourself up over this weight thing any longer... It's just a waste of precious time... instead, use SP to reach out and get help. Express your feelings through blogging... it helps so much. I know that it's hard to appear like you're whining every day, or whatever, but who cares?
    This is your journey... it's going to take how ever long it takes... it's not our place to decide that for you... it's only our place to listen, offer what wisdom we have, and love you unconditionally... nothing more... no two journeys are the same and I would be beyond arrogant to judge your progress against mine. That's not true friendship.
    You're a smart girl... you know what needs to be done... you'll make it happen when the time is right... when you have the strength to face your fears and see it through.
    In the mean time, I want you to know that I think you're amazing and beautiful and I'm honored to be your friend, fluffy or not.

    Dana
    4678 days ago
  • AUDIE40220
    There are so many ways that I can address this....I can first start off by telling you how wonderful you are and that you really should see what I see...I could tell you that one day when you make it through all of this and the smog has cleared you are going to say this was who I was all the time...Wow! I never knew. I can also tell you how you were wonderfully made and formed in the image of God and designed for his purposes. I can tell you that the Word of God says that you are blessed, choosen, called out, set aside for a special purpose, annointed, redeemed, and the love of God's heart. I could tell you all these things and on the surface you would probably say, yeah I know but. So I won't tell you. I will just stand by your side and hold your hand because I know what you are going thru and although you know these things at times it is hard to remember them. You are on a journey to health and that includes self discovery. Sometimes we discover things about ourselves that is alarming and requires us to make serious changes. So we have a momentary setback and we realize that we have to make the change. You will do it and you will find what it takes to make the change to really believing in you. Really standing up for you and taking care of you the way you do for everyone else. Because in your journey you are noticing that you are so well worth it. So my precious sister I am here and I am with you because we all struggle with this as well.....when you feel that you are slipping for whatever reason and you can't make it through....I am here to help you sort thru it and find the way to get up and get going. Because we are in this together and WE WILL NOT FAIL. Maybe slip every now and again but not FAIL!
    4678 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/30/2008 12:44:49 PM
  • PATTY807
    Hey Tina, You were/are always there/here for me and anyone else who needed a word of support and now I am here for you. We all seem to do this to ourselves and then it spirals out of control. We start fast & furious, we stumble & fall. We have to remember that we have to start with small changes, baby steps. Things will fall into place. I know our weight serves as security, but it can also hurt us. We need to start looking out for us. You are a wonderful, caring, beautiful person who is always willing to give a lift to a downed person. Now, you need to focus on YOU. Good luck and if you need anything, please let me know!! Good Luck & God Bless.
    4679 days ago
  • LYNDAK78
    I found your blog totally by accident really - but I face a lot of the same problems you are right now...

    My self-esteem is a great big mess...and I have a bad habbit of putting everyone and everything ahead of myself while I continually sit on the back burner. I actually had to put into my other goals section "Make ME a Priority" - it kind of reminds me at the beginning and the end of every day that I need to really be thinking about myself a bit more than I usually do - shockingly enough - just that little note is making a world of a difference. For some reason I am not afraid to let those in the house know that I am doing this for ME and ME alone...and even more shockingly...they all accept it! It's a pretty great feeling...

    Good luck with all that you are doing...and remember to "Make YOU a Priority!"
    4679 days ago
  • SMAHINDRA915
    good luck! You can do this!
    4679 days ago
  • BITTYWITCH
    YOU are the most important and keep that in mind. You can do this. Keep reading motivational items on here or anywhere. Post some on the fridge. THINK POSITIVE. This is so true, if you think positive it will bring positive results. Don't procrastinate. You will be surprised how your self esteem grows once you change your mind set-I know. Don't let the scale control you, notice the difference in how you feel & how clothes fit, etc. Here if you need me!
    Zig
    4679 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment


    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.