Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I have been debating on writing a blog since I began this journey almost 3 weeks ago...yesterday I finally thought of what to write!(with a little prompting from my best friend)
I have been gradually gaining weight for over 24 years now!After the birth of my daugter who is now 25...I had lost all the baby weight and was looking fabulous!Then the life of a new and young mom began to take its toll.I was happy but seriously lacking in self confidence.I was what any particular person wanted me to be on any given day! I didnt know me...didnt know what was impportant to me,who I was or what I really wanted in this life! I had grwon up feeling like I would never be smart enough to be anything other than a wife and a mother and now that I was just that...I loved my child but was so unhappy with myself.My husband was young and inexperienced in the dad role...I was always frustrated with him and usually willing to just let all the burden of child rearing be put on me!Ultimately you start to resent this...even when you are the one who has basically allowed it.I got depressed and I turned to eating and watching t.v.......WHAT A MISTAKE!
Through the years my husband matured as did I and for many years we seemd to be growing apart instead of together!He became a much better dad and he tried to understand this emotional roller coaster that I was on.He usually didnt seem to get it!...and I would eat!
A son when my daughter was eight and our married life was going a lot better...but still I didnt know me and i was still looking to fill a void in me that I didnt understand....I gained weight and never took it off...I took on too many things and almost had a nervous breakdown when my son was 2....I ate.... I sat around...I cried....I dieted...then again and again and again....
I had a good husband....great kids ...and at least 2 VERY LOYAL friends....but I wasnt happy and I couldnt fill that empty place in me...then my mom died....to say the least....we had a turmultuous yet good relationship....a love hate thing that many moms and daughters seem to get!..It killed me!...I never thought I could get passed it...grief took over every part of me....I felt great sorrow that I would never ever hear her say she was proud of me!(she never did) Its only my kids that kept me going! Being a mom is my most treasured gift...I have fought through all of this emotional crap to try and give them the best of what I had in me! Somehow it worked...with all my flaws...they turned out to be AMAZING young people who bring me joy all of the time....and yet...for some reason I remain an incomplete person!
I have been pretty happy in the last year or 2 but I am still struggling with self love and self image....I can say all the right words and pretend that all is good within me....but I realised last night that the grief over my mom and the cofusion over not knowing exactly what I am here in this life for are keeping me from the succes I so desire.....I want to make changes...but I dont know how to do it!
I see my mom when I look in the mirror and its like she says...."why did you let yourself get fat"..."why do you bother with that"..."why does it matter"and I want to scream and it makes me want to stuff myself with food!..........I love you mom...but I am so DONE with feeling llike this....I deserve to be happier and I AM GOING TO ACHIEVE IT!
To my spark friends...Thanks for the support...you may now have a wee idea of why it is so important to me!..and I keep smiling the big smile...to hide the real pain away from the world!