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I can't believe I'm uploading this...but this is me at my highest weight (right now, sadly). The above picture is me at this weight too...just taken from a better angle ;)

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My puppy, Ziggy

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Hello Spark Friends.

I joined this website over four years ago, hoping it would help me with weight loss, and that is still my ultimate goal. I want to feel beautiful and confident and strong, inside and out. However, I've realized that before I get to that goal, I need to get a few psychological issues taken care of. Like, binge eating. And learning some new coping skills, other than stuffing myself with food. So that is my focus right now, because binging is my brick wall, blocking the road to my fit body.

My strengths: I work out once a week with a close friend. I am trying to give myself credit for this, but it's hard when I used to work out 2x/week with a trainer and 2x/week on my own. But I'm proud that I have a consistent 1x/week workout, and I'm working on turning that into 2x/week.

My challenges: I binge eat. I am also the responsible party and primary caretaker for two family members who suffer from bipolar disorder and severe depression. So yeah, I take care of others at the expense of myself. I'm working on it.

My ultimate goal is to reach 150 lbs. the RIGHT WAY, and to enjoy the journey. I'd love to learn how to cook along the way, and to transform into an athlete! I've already learned how to cook some healthy Indian food, courtesy of my mother-in-law. I love surfing cookinglight.com and sparkrecipes to find new ideas. And as far as becoming an athlete, a couple of years ago I got to experience the feeling of running a mile for the first time, tears in my eyes, crazy with happiness and disbelief that this "unathletic" girl accomplished something so huge.

Two years ago I got married to the love of my life, and now I want to build the best life possible, and the greatest version of myself. Not only the greatest version physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. Balance is what I'm after. I have an 18-year-old daughter and it's not too late to set a good example.

On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow.
-Friedrich Nietzsche


My DONE! statement:
I am done:
*spending 50% time and effort for no results, when I could be making this a priority.
*with pity party eating. Yes, my feelings are real, but food is not the way to deal with them.
*feeling like my life will be great...WHEN I'M THIN.
*With aching joints, and feeling three times my age.
*justifying my extra weight to people.
*avoiding social events because I don't like how I look.
*feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
*losing weight for others.
*feeling like all my best qualities don't really matter, because I'm fat.
*making excuses to myself.
*thinking and planning at the expense of taking action.
*not putting myself and my needs first.


Member Since: 3/30/2009

Fitness Minutes: 358

My Goals:
1) By May 1st, 2014, my blood sugar will be back to normal and out of the pre-diabetic category.

2) I will lose 20 pounds by the end of 2013. While my ultimate goal is much larger, I think this will take away the pain of aching joints.

3) I will go to my 20-year high school reunion in May 2014 feeling beautiful, accomplished, and proud.

4) I'd like to improve my flexibility and establish a regular (2x/week) bikram yoga practice. I definitely need a spiritual element in my workouts.

5) I want to end binge eating and learn how to lose weight and become fit without feeling too deprived.

My Program:
Due to joint pain I am limited in the activities I can do right now.

1) I am striving for high intensity interval training for 30 minutes, 4x/week. Right now I'm at 1x/week (11/12/13).

3) I use a hunger scale to determine when to eat. I am really focusing on portion size and stopping before I'm full.

4) I'm working on changing my critical inner voice by journaling, meditating, posting motivational quotes, and changing my self-talk.

Personal Information:
I'm Laura from Denver, CO. I'm 5'7" and 37 years old, with one 18-year-old daughter.

Other Information:
Stuff I love: great books, ee cummings, falling snow, decorating my house, having a martini with friends, walking in my neighborhood while singing along to my ipod, learning to cook Indian food, The Biggest Loser, traveling and learning about different cultures, feminism, learning about political issues, playing Ms. Pac Man, and laser tag.

Read More About KOOKERBEE - Profile Information moved here. (Updated November 29)

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 current weight: 250.0 
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  • v no profile image DIASTER
    Where are you? Really miss you blogs and am concerned about your journey., and you. Come on back.
    2509 days ago
    hey girl,
    I am back after a long time as well!
    We can do this!
    Happy Monday :)
    2647 days ago
    Hey there, Kiddo,
    Haven't heard from you in a while and was wondering how you're doing? It is so very cold here right now and I am happily snowed in and surfing the internet far more than maybe I should. Still, it does keep me away from the fridge - LOL - for a little while at least.

    Well, hope you can catch us up soon about how things are going for you - maybe an upcoming blog - But in the meantime, please know that you are thought of and missed and that your buddies always have your back!

    2722 days ago
    Hey stopping by to see how you are doing and if you had a great Thanksgiving! Hope all is well :) Still killing those workouts?
    2793 days ago
  • v PROT358
    I'm sorry about the late reply ... it was a busy week last week! I hope you and your family had a lovely Thanksgiving.

    Learning to believe in yourself - I wouldn't say I'm "there." I'm not sure it's possible to ever get fully there. It is a process, and on any given day I might be a little closer or farther away from that goal. But the way I see it is look at your options: 1) revert back to old/fat/bad habits and give up; 2) do bare minimum with the intention of coasting but likely that will eventually lead to option 1; or 3) keep on going hell or high water. I've come to the point where options 1 and 2 are NOT options. I can't go back to where I was before and I'm not going to let myself go that far. Not to say I'm only choosing option 3 by default, but in a weak moment I remind myself that the other options are not options.

    It's really cool that you play piano too! I also started at age 5, and my childhood dream was to become a concert pianist/celebrity like Yanni. (Later I realized that I don't compose, I don't care to practice 8 hours a day, and I want more time home with family). My preferred music is definitely classical, and it's what I almost always turn to. But I dabble in some contemporary and Christian too. I find the classical poses the greatest challenge, and the process of working through a hard song and making it sound respectable is very rewarding. Most other music isn't complex enough to pose that kind of challenge. I have a few long-term music goals too: to play Bach's toccata and fugue in d minor on a pipe organ, same with an arrangement of Mozart's requiem mass. I have no formal organ training, but oh that would be fun! That chord progression goal is a really good goal too, and that knowledge will carry over into everything else you play.

    Happy December to you! I hope you have a great week!
    2795 days ago
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