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2/19/20 1:45 P

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The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”
The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”
The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”

The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender: “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy: “Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: “What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to come back.”

The guy said innocently: “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life.”

Fearing that he had made a mistake, the bartender backed down. “I’m very sorry,” he said, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.”

The guy replied: “Thanks. Make it a scotch.”
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2/7/20 11:08 A

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You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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2/5/20 12:38 P

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2/3/20 2:39 P

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My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”
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1/31/20 2:31 P

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This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
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1/29/20 10:43 A

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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
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1/28/20 11:35 A

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1/27/20 10:56 A

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Lady: "Is this my train?"

Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."

Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."

Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."
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1/24/20 2:35 P

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A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
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1/23/20 11:46 A

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Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.

Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!

Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.

Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.

Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.

Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!
This is BUSINESS.
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1/16/20 11:20 A

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1/3/20 10:56 A

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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
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12/30/19 1:14 A

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Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.
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12/27/19 1:28 P

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A man on a train got pretty chummy with the passengers. He said to a group, "I can tell you fellows what you are__"

He said to one,"You're a blacksmith."
"Yes"

To another he said "You're a lawyer"
"Yes"

He looked at a little dried up, weazened man and said, "You're a preacher."
"No, I'm not" said the man, "I've just been sick three weeks."
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12/26/19 11:40 A

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12/21/19 4:35 P

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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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12/17/19 5:54 P

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My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health.

To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.

That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him,

"I walk five miles every morning!"
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12/13/19 8:50 A

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Hello is this HP? I'd like to make a return.

I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
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12/9/19 8:49 P

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11/24/19 4:30 P

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A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
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11/22/19 4:21 P

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A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks, “Can I help you, sir?”

The man answers, “What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?”

The bartender says, “That would be $2.60.”

“Alright, I’ll have one,” says the man. He takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and throws them all on the ground. The bartender doesn’t want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.

A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge so when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The man drinks his coffee leaving the change on the ground.

A few minutes later he throws two dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
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11/15/19 11:25 A

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11/14/19 8:31 A

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Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying, "Shh, not another word." is super romantic.

However police don't seem to think so
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10/23/19 11:19 A

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An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peaceful away, he is half aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches it as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese scones which he hasn't tasted in years, a wonderful tang of sharp Cheddar humming musically with a hint of paprika. And if anything could bring a man back from the dead...

He feels the tingle of returning circulation in his fingers and toes, and with trembling hands, he pushes the blankets aside and swings his feet to the floor. At first faltering, his steps become increasingly assured as he makes his way to the stairs and down to the kitchen.

There, on the cooling rack, are two dozen fresh-baked cheese scones, deliciously hot and steaming slightly, while his wife is bent over preparing a second batch for the oven.

With faltering hands he reaches out for one of the cheese scones... And his wife, without turning around, raps his knuckles with the wooden spoon and snaps, "Don't even think about it - they're for the funeral!"
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10/19/19 3:56 P

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A grasshopper sits down at a bar.

The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve?'"
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10/18/19 10:18 A

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10/10/19 1:34 P

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A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow.”
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10/1/19 3:02 P

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Some Police Quotes

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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9/28/19 2:27 P

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9/23/19 3:03 P

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A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility …

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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9/14/19 2:22 A

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An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.”
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.”

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!”

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said –“I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!”
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9/12/19 8:52 A

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I stole a razor and shaved with it . . .

In case any of you are looking for a smooth criminal
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9/3/19 4:58 P

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8/22/19 10:49 A

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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.

“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
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8/21/19 10:15 A

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Two men were in a restaurant and they both ordered a serving of fish.

The waiter brought over a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said politely to the other: “Please help yourself.”

The other one nodded, reached forward to the plate and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said angrily: “Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!”

With a mouth full of fish, the other replied: “What are you complaining for; you have it, don’t you?”
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8/19/19 8:22 A

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The sun came out and dried up all the rain. No sign of Itsy Bitsy. Spider family worried. Film at 11.
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8/15/19 11:14 A

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8/5/19 11:06 P

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My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
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7/29/19 12:43 A

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A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.

After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
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7/23/19 8:30 P

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My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." - Orson Welles
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7/22/19 2:04 A

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7/10/19 9:52 A

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Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
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6/20/19 8:11 A

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On the way home, I saw a cop pull over a U-haul truck. Apparently he wanted to "bust" a move!
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6/19/19 11:18 A

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. “What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle.”
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6/18/19 1:19 P

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6/17/19 11:56 P

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There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take.

All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who was saying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.

"Did you say that?" asked the burgler. "Yes," replied the parrot. "By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.

"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?" "The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"
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6/16/19 6:59 P

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In class, the teacher was trying desperately to get the students to think.

He asked, “If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?”

One student quickly responded, “Their age.”
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6/16/19 2:36 A

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It's getting warm out . . . I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on a mosquito.
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6/14/19 11:32 P

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I wonder what it would be like to spend a day with Elvis. I bet everyone would stare, you know, cuz he's a corpse and all.
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6/6/19 2:37 P

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A guy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.

“Excuse me,” said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the guy, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
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