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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
12/9/09 1:06 P

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I always look forward to these! Thanks!!

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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12/9/09 12:41 P

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A woman was shopping and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the woman, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The woman replied, "Two Popsicles and some coffee."

emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
12/4/09 12:20 P

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Just a dollar! I'd give more than that! emoticon

ML in CA

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12/4/09 10:57 A

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My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers. She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid 75 cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."

emoticon tsk tsk!

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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12/2/09 12:42 P

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Oh, here and there. Thank goodness they're (mostly) not from personal experience.

emoticon

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
12/1/09 3:27 P

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Where do you get these?!

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ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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12/1/09 12:10 P

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After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. Unfortunately, I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning anyway.

As I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

Sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

You know, GOD IS SO GOOD!

emoticon

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
11/29/09 3:21 P

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emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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11/24/09 1:31 P

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

emoticon

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
11/23/09 11:27 A

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Me neither emoticon

ML in CA

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11/23/09 11:17 A

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Did'nt see that one coming. emoticon

Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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11/23/09 10:58 A

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A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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11/17/09 10:53 A

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

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11/12/09 10:51 A

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emoticon Never thought of it from the calf's point of view...out of the mouths of babes...

Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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11/12/09 10:48 A

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After the Sunday school teacher told the story of the Prodigal Son to the class, she asked, "Was anyone sorry when the Prodigal Son returned?"

One boy answered, "The fatted calf."

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
11/11/09 3:35 P

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emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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11/11/09 3:11 P

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Yuk, Yuk, Yuk

Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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11/11/09 2:36 P

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Darn it! Just when I learn to take life with a grain of salt, my doctor puts me on a low sodium diet!

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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11/10/09 2:02 P

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emoticon

Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
11/10/09 1:36 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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11/10/09 1:25 P

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My teacher said I was being disrespectful.

She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken". She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders."

She sent me to the principal's office again.

This school stuff is really confusing.

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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11/10/09 1:07 P

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Good one Pam!

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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11/9/09 8:31 A

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Thanks, ML. I could appreciate to much - lol.

Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
11/8/09 9:43 P

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I'm old enough! Very funny!!

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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11/7/09 12:47 P

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THE OLDER YOU ARE THE FUNNIER THIS IS. SO IF IT ISN'T FUNNY TO YOU NOW,SET IT ASIDE FOR A FEW YEARS -IT WILL BECOME A SCREAM

WOMAN'S YEARLY EXAM...

I went to the doctor for my yearly exam. The nurse starts with certain basic information.

Q. How much do you weigh?
A. 135

The nurse puts my on the scale. It turns out I weighed 180.

Q. How tall are you?
A. 5'4"

The nurse checks and sees that I'm only 5'2".

She then takes my blood pressure and proceeds to tell me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high, I scream. When I cam in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat."

The doctor prescribed Prozac!



Edited by: BLABBERMOUTH2 at: 11/7/2009 (12:55)
Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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10/22/09 12:30 A

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emoticon

Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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10/19/09 12:23 P

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"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Oh good! What are we having for breakfast?" asked the new husband.

"Toast and juice," she replied.


*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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9/24/09 12:08 P

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emoticon on the joke, and, yes, I can tell that you are just a wee bit excited about the new little addition to your clan. emoticon

Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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9/24/09 11:36 A

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A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right.

"It was fine, honey," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"

emoticon Oops. emoticon

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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9/24/09 11:19 A

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Gamma & Pappa! Not sure how to spell Pappa. It's pronounced Pop-uh. I think this is the first time I've actually written it down. I started with Poppa, but that didn't look right. The kids have called him Pops, Poppa, etc. for a long time, but mostly they just call him Dad. That's why I thought Poppa would be a good Grandpa name for him. Not sure where I came up with Gamma. I just like the sound of it and it's close to Grandma without being Grandma. Wait... Noah Wylie's character on ER called his Grandma Gamma. That's where I heard it. I've called myself that since I got grand-puppies.

Wonder where Gamma comes from...

Can you tell I'm THRILLED to be becoming a Gamma?!?!

Ramble... ramble...

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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9/23/09 10:44 P

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I didn't get notified about this post. Kids say the darndest things.

Ok, they are going to call you Gamma, what are they going to call Bill?

Pam
Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28-Jan. 3, 2009


ROCKIN 'ROSE' RAMGERS

PROMOTIONS:
Week 2 - Private
Week 3 - Corporal
Week 4 - Sergeant
Week 5 - Second Lieutenant

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday.

My New Motto:
"I may not always be the wind beneath your wings, but I'm happy to be the hot air in your balloon any day!" Andrea (my Spark friend buddy)



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9/22/09 1:21 P

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As many of you know, I found out last weekend that I'm going to be a Gamma next spring! WooHoo!

My daughter, who works in a Day School, was sharing some stories with me about some of the children's reactions to the news. I thought you'd enjoy hearing a couple.

One little boy asked to be picked up as he often does. Heather explained to him that she wouldn't be able to lift him for a while. Of course, he wanted to know why and she explained it's because she has a baby in her tummy.

"Why is the baby in your tummy? Didn't you like the baby?"

Another of her students, a 3 y/o girl who recently became a Big Sister, pointed to my daughter's chest and asked her if she'd gotten a pump for "those things" yet?

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Out of the mouths of babes!

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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9/18/09 5:02 P

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"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."

- Orson Welles


*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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9/5/09 6:19 P

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emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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9/4/09 12:20 P

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A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer it.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child called out.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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9/2/09 12:20 A

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Yep emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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9/1/09 4:08 P

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Sam was talking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7 A.M. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

emoticon

Edited by: ANDREA0301 at: 9/2/2009 (12:05)
*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

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NOVEMBERSUN's Photo NOVEMBERSUN Posts: 260
8/30/09 12:21 A

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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

~Bethany~
Life starts Now!


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8/28/09 11:07 A

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So glad you enjoy them Lori!

I truly believe laughter strengthens our core.

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*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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8/27/09 9:01 P

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Just caught up on reading these, and tears are streaming down my face... emoticon

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8/27/09 10:50 A

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The pastor's wife was known to be very frugal, so therefore never threw anything out. Leftovers were re-made, but not discarded. One such evening after calling her husband to the table, and setting the meal before him, he immediately began to eat.

Quite surprised by this, she asked him, "Aren't you going to say grace before dinner?"

He answered, "My dear, I've prayed over this food at least three times this week. Another prayer isn't going to help it."

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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8/20/09 2:03 P

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"New Definitions"

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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8/18/09 12:43 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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8/18/09 12:32 P

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The tower of Pizza I've seen.
No, "Tower of Pisa," I mean
The difference is that
One make-a-you fat
The other? It make-a-you lean.

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*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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8/18/09 12:16 P

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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

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*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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8/17/09 2:17 P

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A man phoned a retail pharmacy to talk about his prescription.

He said to the pharmacist, "My doctor ordered this prescription for me. Your store filled it and gave me a bottle with 100 capsules in it about two weeks ago. I'm supposed to take one capsule every six hours and I've been doing that. This little packet came out of the bottle while I was getting my capsule once. The packet said, "do not eat" on it. That was four days ago, and I'm really hungry!"

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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8/14/09 3:42 P

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emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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8/14/09 11:11 A

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Things that make you go hmmm...

If people weren't meant to have midnight snacks, why do they put a light in refrigerators?

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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8/10/09 9:58 A

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The man who spilled clam chowder on his trousers complained, "Waiter, there's soup in my fly!"


*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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8/9/09 9:45 P

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Thanks!! I think laughing is key to reinventing ourselves ... so a big thank you for helping!! emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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