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2/27/20 2:54 P

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Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish: What痴 a light bulb?
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2/24/20 12:11 P

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
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2/22/20 2:11 P

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2/21/20 10:19 A

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One day a man ran into an old friend and asked him if he was still dating the same girl.

"No" Replied the friend. "She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Just the other day she decided to ride a horse for the first time. Without any instruction she hopped on and took off at full gallop.

Everything was fine for a minute until she started losing her grip and began sliding down the side of the horse.

She started grasping desperately at the reigns and the horse's mane. The horse kept it's pace up as she bounced up and down on the ground with the horse's hooves pounding away inches from her head.

The horse might have killed her if it were not for an alert Wal-mart greeter who ran over and unplugged the thing!"
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2/20/20 4:34 P

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2/19/20 1:44 P

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The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: 展hat値l you have?
The guy answered: 鄭 scotch, please.
The bartender handed him the drink and said: 典hat値l be $5.

The guy said: 展hat are you talking about? I don稚 owe you anything for this.
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender: 添ou know, he痴 got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy: 徹kay, I値l let you off this time, but don稚 ever let me catch you in here again.

The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: 展hat the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can稚 believe you致e got the nerve to come back.

The guy said innocently: 展hat are you talking about? I致e never been in this place in my life.

Fearing that he had made a mistake, the bartender backed down. 的知 very sorry, he said, 澱ut the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.

The guy replied: 典hanks. Make it a scotch.
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2/13/20 3:04 P

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So I was in the McDonald痴 drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order.

Wow. (Take the high road). So I paid for her food. I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the teller told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food,

I showed them both receipts and took her food too! I paid for it, it痴 mine! Now she has to wait even longer. 😂 So I Honked my horn and screamed back, 撤atience is a virtue😂 She gonna learn today! 😎
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2/7/20 11:04 A

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You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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2/5/20 12:37 P

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2/3/20 2:37 P

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My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

敵ood! I exclaimed. 的知 ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I値l call you first.

敵reat! she replied. 的値l ride with you.
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1/31/20 2:29 P

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This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
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1/29/20 10:42 A

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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

添ou mean a martini? the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, 的f I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!

Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, 擢ive beers, please.
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1/27/20 10:57 A

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1/24/20 2:33 P

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A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
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1/23/20 11:46 A

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Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.

Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!

Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.

Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.

Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.

Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!
This is BUSINESS.
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1/16/20 11:19 A

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"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Nobel."

"Nobel who?"

"No bell that's why I knocked."
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1/3/20 10:58 A

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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
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1/2/20 3:38 P

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12/30/19 1:16 A

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Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.
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12/29/19 12:39 A

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If you see me talking to myself,

I'm having

a staff meeting.
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12/27/19 1:26 P

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A man on a train got pretty chummy with the passengers. He said to a group, "I can tell you fellows what you are__"

He said to one,"You're a blacksmith."
"Yes"

To another he said "You're a lawyer"
"Yes"

He looked at a little dried up, weazened man and said, "You're a preacher."
"No, I'm not" said the man, "I've just been sick three weeks."
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12/26/19 11:39 A

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A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm.

The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister.

He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked.

The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"
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12/23/19 1:44 P

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12/21/19 4:34 P

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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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12/17/19 5:53 P

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My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health.

To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.

That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him,

"I walk five miles every morning!"
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12/13/19 8:41 A

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Hello is this HP? I'd like to make a return.

I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
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12/9/19 8:31 P

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11/24/19 4:29 P

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A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
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11/22/19 4:20 P

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A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks, 鼎an I help you, sir?

The man answers, 展hat does a cup of coffee cost in this place?

The bartender says, 典hat would be $2.60.

鄭lright, I値l have one, says the man. He takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and throws them all on the ground. The bartender doesn稚 want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.

A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge so when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The man drinks his coffee leaving the change on the ground.

A few minutes later he throws two dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
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11/15/19 9:15 A

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11/14/19 8:30 A

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Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying, "Shh, not another word." is super romantic.

However police don't seem to think so
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10/23/19 9:03 A

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An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peaceful away, he is half aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches it as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese scones which he hasn't tasted in years, a wonderful tang of sharp Cheddar humming musically with a hint of paprika. And if anything could bring a man back from the dead...

He feels the tingle of returning circulation in his fingers and toes, and with trembling hands, he pushes the blankets aside and swings his feet to the floor. At first faltering, his steps become increasingly assured as he makes his way to the stairs and down to the kitchen.

There, on the cooling rack, are two dozen fresh-baked cheese scones, deliciously hot and steaming slightly, while his wife is bent over preparing a second batch for the oven.

With faltering hands he reaches out for one of the cheese scones... And his wife, without turning around, raps his knuckles with the wooden spoon and snaps, "Don't even think about it - they're for the funeral!"
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10/19/19 3:55 P

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A grasshopper sits down at a bar.

The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve?'"
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10/18/19 10:23 A

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10/10/19 1:31 P

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A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 撤erfect timing. You池e just like Frank.

Passenger: 展ho?

Cabbie: 擢rank Feldman he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.

Passenger: 典here are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie: 哲ot Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way.

Passenger: 鉄ounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 典here痴 more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody痴 birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!

Passenger: 展ow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 滴e always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: 典his Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 展ell I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow.
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10/1/19 3:01 P

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Some Police Quotes

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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9/30/19 3:50 P

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An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through the wife leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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9/28/19 2:26 P

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9/23/19 3:05 P

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A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer痴 credibility

Q: 前fficer did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: 鮮o sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.

Q: 前fficer, who provided this description?

A: 禅he officer who responded to the scene.

Q: 羨 fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: 塑es, sir. With my life.

Q: 糎ith your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: 塑es sir, we do!

Q: 羨nd do you have a locker in the room?

A: 塑es, sir, I do.

Q: 羨nd do you have a lock on your locker?

A: 塑es, sir.

Q: 鮮ow, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?

A: 塑ou see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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9/14/19 2:53 A

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An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday痴 sermon he told them, 的f one more person confesses to adultery, I値l quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: 吐allen.
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had 吐allen.

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. 添ou have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can稚 believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said 俣I don稚 know why you池e laughing; your wife fell three times last week!
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9/13/19 2:35 P

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9/12/19 8:59 A

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I stole a razor and shaved with it . . .

In case any of you are looking for a smooth criminal
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9/9/19 3:36 P

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I was on a date with this really beautiful girl.

Well, it wasn稚 a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.

Then the plane landed.
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9/3/19 4:55 P

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8/23/19 2:29 P

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滴ow long have you been driving without a tail light? asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

鼎ome on, now, he said, 土ou don稚 have to take it so hard. It isn稚 that serious.

的t isn稚? cried the motorist. 典hen you know what happened to my boat and trailer?
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8/22/19 10:50 A

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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, 滴ere, put these on.

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. 的 cant wear your trousers, she said.

典hat痴 right, said the husband, 殿nd don稚 you ever forget it. I知 the man who wears the pants in this family.

With that she flipped him her panties and said, 典ry these on.

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. 滴ell, he said. I cant get into your panties!

She replied, 典hat痴 right, and that痴 the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.
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8/21/19 10:14 A

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Two men were in a restaurant and they both ordered a serving of fish.

The waiter brought over a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said politely to the other: 撤lease help yourself.

The other one nodded, reached forward to the plate and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said angrily: 迭eally, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!

With a mouth full of fish, the other replied: 展hat are you complaining for; you have it, don稚 you?
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8/20/19 12:07 P

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Edited by: SUNSET09 at: 8/20/2019 (12:09)
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8/19/19 8:28 A

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The sun came out and dried up all the rain. No sign of Itsy Bitsy. Spider family worried. Film at 11.
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8/15/19 11:10 A

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

展atson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replied, 的 see millions and millions of stars.

展hat does that tell you?

Watson pondered for a minute.

鄭stronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 的t tells me that someone has stolen our tent.
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Edited by: SUNSET09 at: 8/15/2019 (11:11)
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8/5/19 10:47 P

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My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
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8/1/19 3:17 P

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7/29/19 12:41 A

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A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.

After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
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7/23/19 8:36 P

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My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." - Orson Welles
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7/22/19 2:08 A

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The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you池e not in shape for it, it痴 too far to walk back. - Franklin Jones
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7/10/19 9:48 A

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Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
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7/2/19 11:54 A

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6/25/19 11:32 P

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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6/20/19 8:08 A

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On the way home, I saw a cop pull over a U-haul truck. Apparently he wanted to "bust" a move!
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6/19/19 12:05 P

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, 鉄tand in that circle and DON探 MOVE!

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 徹h you think that痴 funny? Watch this! He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she痴 laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. 展hat痴 so funny? the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, 摘very time you weren稚 looking, I stepped outside the circle.
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6/18/19 12:25 P

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6/17/19 11:52 P

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There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take.

All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who was saying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.

"Did you say that?" asked the burgler. "Yes," replied the parrot. "By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.

"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?" "The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"
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6/16/19 2:44 A

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It's getting warm out . . . I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on a mosquito.
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6/14/19 11:34 P

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I wonder what it would be like to spend a day with Elvis. I bet everyone would stare, you know, cuz he's a corpse and all.
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6/8/19 4:21 P

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Someone dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me and so I thought 'What would Jesus do?' so I turned it into wine.

Well I bought wine
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6/6/19 2:30 P

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A guy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.

摘xcuse me, said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. 展hat was that all about?

哲othing, said the guy, 溺y wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.
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5/20/19 1:20 P

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,

撤lease wake me at 5:00 am.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn稚 woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed it said

的t is 5:00am; wake up.
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5/17/19 4:16 P

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Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so. The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.

St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above."

"Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears.

St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea."

"Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first.

St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful."

"No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?" St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears.

Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?"

St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."
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5/3/19 9:19 A

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Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle. - Robert Anthony
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5/2/19 4:03 P

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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
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4/30/19 11:19 A

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"Close the curtains," requested a tot, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

Someone asked a youngster when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

Seeing her first hailstorm, a 3-year-old exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

As her gramma frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, the granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

When a child heard that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

While shampooing her son, 4, the mom noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

When complimented on her vocabulary, the 5-year-old nonchalantly responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

His mom informed Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy," he gulped, "You already have a little son -- me!"

When a boy reported two look-alike classmates at school, his parents said they were probably twins. The next day, he came home all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They're
not only twins, they're brothers!"
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4/29/19 3:57 P

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4/25/19 5:15 P

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The custodian of a church quit, and the pastor of the church asked the organist if she would be able also to clean the church sanctuary.

The organist thought before replying, Do you mean that I know have to mind my keys and pews?
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4/24/19 2:55 P

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They all line up, and God asks the first person what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." God snaps his fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." God snaps his fingers again and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, with each one asking to be gorgeous. When God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, still laughing.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says, "Make them all ugly again."
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4/18/19 10:50 A

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I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

Checking out his credentials on the wall, I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name. His name sounded familiar as I remembered a tall, athletic, dark-haired boy by the same name who played baseball in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I knew way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, out of curiosity, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he beamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely trying to recall our acquaintance. Then that fat, ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, gray, rude and ignorant person asked, "What did you teach?"
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4/16/19 12:47 P

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4/15/19 3:43 P

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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there.

Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers,

"Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
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4/10/19 12:16 A

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What plan are you on?

Me? It's still plan A. Can't find the other letters
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4/2/19 12:34 P

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Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: 展hat were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?

1st nun: 鄭dam and Eve.

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: 展hat did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?

2nd nun: 鄭n apple.

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun.

St. Peter: 展hat was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?

After a few minutes thinking she says 敵osh, that痴 a hard one!

The lights flashed
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3/29/19 11:13 A

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