So I came into town around midnight, but there was only one hotel and the clerk said every room was taken.
So what did you do?
I begged. I got down on my knees. I said, "You've got to have a room. Anything. Please."
Finally, she... Read more
Two cows are lying in a field. One of them says to the other, "So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other says, "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."... Read more
Mr. Johnson, I want to speak with you about your son. I discovered him playing doctor with my daughter!
Well, it's only natural for children that age to explore their sexuality in the form of play.
Sexuality? He took out her appendix!... Read more
A dog owner takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces it terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion. So the vet brings his own kitten in, and the kitten examines the sick dog and shakes his head. The... Read more
We went to this wonderful restaurant today and I can't remember the name of it. What's that flower with the sharp thorns that can be red, white, or pink?
Yeah. Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant?... Read more
My father decided that I should learn how to swim. We went to one of the lakes in the area, and my father put a boat in the water. He rowed me out a little way from shore and threw me overboard. I swam back to shore. He took me out farther a... Read more
This man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts cursing him and using terrible language and insulting his wife, so finally the man picks up the parrot and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the par... Read more
Two ladies are sitting next to each other on the plane, one from the north and one from the south. The lady from the south turns to the lady from the north and says, "Where y'all from?" The lady from the north says, "We are from a place where ... Read more
Girl: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
Boy: I don't know.
Girl: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Boy: I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree.
Girl: See, it works!
I did it. The dishes are done. I plan to do t... Read more
In the middle of a show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "Hey! You've been making enough jokes about us Polish people! Cut it out!"
The ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!"
And the guy says, "I'm not tal... Read more
One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep. The guy picks it up and tosses it into the garden. Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and finds the same snail. And the snail says, "Hey, what wa... Read more
The baby snake says to the mommy snake, "Mommy, are we poisonous?"
The mommy snake says, "Why do you ask?"
And the baby snake says, "Because I just bit my tongue."
Saturday I did as planned for my free day and Sunday I went to pool and ... Read more
One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, "Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!"
His wife says, "Why?"
The caveman says, "I didn't stop to ask!"
Didn't feel so great this morning. Bit of... Read more
A girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents and they were horrified by his greasy hair, tattoos, dirty language, and air of hostility. After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person." And the daugh... Read more
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Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."
The other penguin replies, "Who says I'm not?"
Must have been tired as went to bed earlier than usual and didn't wake up unt... Read more