Off the Wagon

Almost every holiday season, my asthma gets out of control, I can't stop coughing, I think I'm getting better, and I don't. Almost every New Year, I'm struggling to catch my breath, pull out my nebulizer, use it multiple times a day, and end up at the doctor anyway. Today was the day.

Because of my brain surgery and thyroid tumors, I don't make normal hormones, so I am already on a host of steroidal and non-steroidal hormones. It took months to get the balance right so I could start losing weight and feel sort of normal again.

So I knew that when I saw the doctor today I would be back on massive doses of steroids. I knew that I would get a COVID-19 swab. And I knew that within about 3 days I would gain about 5 pounds.

I am coughing so hard I can't talk or walk much and certainly have not been doing hard cardio for about 3 days. I feel lousy, and sorry for myself, and I start projecting into my future week, fearing embarrassment because I am going to have a huge gain.

So what did I do? I come home, lay down, take these massive doses of antibiotics, steroids, and inhalers, and eat a raspberry filled linzer cookie in the freezer from Christmas. Then I eat 3 boxed chocolates. Then I eat some Bauducco wafer cookies. Not all at once, over a period of about 2 hours. But during that time, I ate about 600 extra calories.

I knew I was going to gain weight, so I decided to "make it worth my while?" I never even gave myself a chance to possibly keep losing. I just wrote the script for myself, "I am going to have a big gain."

I didn't consciously think that since I am probably going to gain weight temporarily from these meds that I was going to pig out. I just felt sorry for myself and somehow justified that if I have COVID, or if I am going to spend days feeling really sick, I "deserve" to eat junk.

I deserve to have a healthy body. I deserve to eat food that nourishes me and increases my well-being. I deserve to look great in my clothes, or out of them. I "deserve," to feel good. To feel really good, from the inside, because I am healthy. That is what I deserve.

I don't know if writing this will make anything different. I have written down literally everything I have put in my mouth almost every day for over a year. And it has worked for me. So maybe, just maybe, writing this down, coming out of the binge closet, maybe writing down what I am ashamed of will work too.

Little by little my lifestyle has changed. One Spark has ignited others. Maybe this new behavior, telling the truth when I don't do what is best for me, will help me remember that it doesn't feel good if I am ever tempted to eat this, and this, and that again.