day's 7 & 8
Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Holy cow, I forgot to write here yesterday. I have been incorporating two other modes that are really helping, one called 'The Artist's Way', helping to open up creativity again, and by the same author a book called 'Write Yourself to the Right Size', by Julia Cameron. So I've been doing a LOT of writing.
I have a long history with alternative modalities and healing, starting from when I was 16 and I took my first Massage Therapy training. I've been a massage therapist, Reiki Master Teacher & Practitioner, Kundalini Yoga Instructor, and I've interned under a doctor of Chinese Medicine, taken Herbal medicine courses, and studied Ayurveda for my personal reasons. I'm saying all of this because when I think about how I carry my weight, and what it reflects emotionally, I am needing to address many aspects of my life.
I carry the majority of my weight in my belly. It can look a lot like what they call stress belly, and I've been asked when I'm due more times than I care to count. I've had people offer me their seats on public transportation because they feel bad about the pregnant woman standing. It's the worst.
Anyways, according to energy work/chakra systems, when you are holding a lot of weight in your belly, you are not releasing your creativity and struggling with feelings of worthlessness related to your creativity. I can see where this is true for me- since I was about 14, I've had to work, and there hasn't been a lot of time to do something because I want to, it's all because I had to. When I was a teacher, there was some outlet for creativity, but also so many restrictions it was challenging.
My entire life, the things that have sounded like they were just fun, have been off-limits to me because I've needed to be productive. I've lived on the edge of poverty for a long time, especially as a kid and as a single mom, and it's been hard to change that mindset in the last 10 years. My husband keeps reminding me that not everything I do has to be monetized or financially motivated, but it's hard for me to change that. I have a hard time dedicating time to hobbies or activities just for fun, or just for expression. I tend to always be thinking about what I can be doing instead, how I can be productive, and then when I have downtime, it's more like numbing time, TV, reading, and eating.
Making room for hobbies has been embarrassingly hard. With these books, I am replacing eating with writing and drawing and sketching, and it is a work in progress. Trusting that my creativity doesn't need to lead anywhere is a brand new learning curve for me, and I am again ready to bring my curiosity to this process.
When I see myself healthy, it's less about a goal weight or size, and more about feelings of freedom - freedom to explore, travel, and be present, in a much healthier way, and getting rid of this mental baggage is going to need to happen in pace with losing actual pounds.