I don’t know what to call this blog
Tuesday, June 09, 2020
I don’t even know where to begin. I just re-read my last blog - the suggestions I made to myself never went into practice and I find myself at an even worse spot than ever. Almost two months have passed and I am flailing in waters that keep rushing over me, pulling me deeper and deeper into a never ending whirlpool.
No matter the valiant attempts by others to pull me out, I’ve been stuck spinning around and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s not becoming a place where I feel home. Unhappy, anxious, depressed but paradoxically in my “safe” place. As the same old familiar feelings wash over me I am somehow lulled into accepting this is who I am. My body and mind become dead weight and I slowly sink below the surface.
But then, somewhere deep inside me, there is a voice (albeit, a very timid one) that says wait a minute you are more than that. Your mental illness is not who your are. It is but one piece in your life story puzzle and there are many, many other pieces of equal or of far greater importance. Are you unknowingly giving it the starring role?
As I pause to consider that, another wave washes over me but, unlike the other cold, unrelenting waves, this one is kind of gentle and slightly uplifting. If I’m honest with myself, I can see there is more than a bit of truth to that quiet voice. There is an unwavering sense of hope in its tone that shines as a beacon of hope through the dark water.
And suddenly I allow myself to hear the voices of others and I tentatively reach out a tired hand to the many outstretched before me. At the same time my toes twitch and my feet kick as I aim towards the surface.