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I don’t know what to call this blog

Tuesday, June 09, 2020


I don’t even know where to begin. I just re-read my last blog - the suggestions I made to myself never went into practice and I find myself at an even worse spot than ever. Almost two months have passed and I am flailing in waters that keep rushing over me, pulling me deeper and deeper into a never ending whirlpool.

No matter the valiant attempts by others to pull me out, I’ve been stuck spinning around and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s not becoming a place where I feel home. Unhappy, anxious, depressed but paradoxically in my “safe” place. As the same old familiar feelings wash over me I am somehow lulled into accepting this is who I am. My body and mind become dead weight and I slowly sink below the surface.

But then, somewhere deep inside me, there is a voice (albeit, a very timid one) that says wait a minute you are more than that. Your mental illness is not who your are. It is but one piece in your life story puzzle and there are many, many other pieces of equal or of far greater importance. Are you unknowingly giving it the starring role?

As I pause to consider that, another wave washes over me but, unlike the other cold, unrelenting waves, this one is kind of gentle and slightly uplifting. If I’m honest with myself, I can see there is more than a bit of truth to that quiet voice. There is an unwavering sense of hope in its tone that shines as a beacon of hope through the dark water.

And suddenly I allow myself to hear the voices of others and I tentatively reach out a tired hand to the many outstretched before me. At the same time my toes twitch and my feet kick as I aim towards the surface.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Give yourself a pat on the back because along with "life happenings", this virus is running everyone amuck. I'm trying to look at it as a necessary "reset". We've all strayed from what is really important in our lives & we need to re-prioritize.
    70 days ago
    Beautifully written, Susan, and quite moving. After reading the first sentence about your last blog, which I missed at the time, I went back and read it, and I thought--wow--you have been dealing with some tough situations. A flooded basement, dumpsters full of mementos from your life, an elderly mother nagging you about where things are (don't you just hate "where" questions more than any other kind--I absolutely cringe when my husband starts a question with "Where," as if it's my responsibility to know where all his stuff is).

    Anyway, hats off to you, Susan! Despite depression--which is real, which is a heavy weight or a heavy cloud hanging over everything--you are living to tell the story of each day! Sometimes that's all we can do! So it brings me joy to hear that in spite of all the daunting recent events, you have glimmers of hope and joy, and that you can hear the voice of love within you. You are indeed loved, treasured, and watched over--always!
    99 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/10/2020 9:59:38 PM
    I'm so sorry you're going through this time. But here's another little glimmer of positivity: you express yourself beautifully. This blog is so well written.

    I offer no advice but do offer hugs and prayers.
    99 days ago
  • CATE195
    Keep reaching out to those who will listen and reach back to you. emoticon
    99 days ago
    Wherever you are on your journey, I like you for who you are. Your honesty - especially with yourself - is your greatest gift.

    99 days ago
    Susan, so sorry you are having so much stress, keep reaching for the gold, work on yourself, practice self love and slowly get yourself out of this pit of despair. We are here for you, Susan, and yes listen to those gentle voices, they want the best for you! You can do this! One step at a time! Big Hugs
    99 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/10/2020 7:05:57 AM
    Hello Susan. I'm glad to see you blogging as that is a positive start
    to wanting to pull yourself up. We are here for you. Take one day at
    a time and stay as positive as you can. WE are here to listen as you
    air your problems. Sending lots of hugs to you. emoticon
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    100 days ago
    Keep kicking and reaching out ~ friends are here to help you back to the surface emoticon
    100 days ago
  • JAMER123
    Hope is the foundation of life. We all mush have the strength to keeping hoping and finding. A beautiful tribute to your writing while trying to swim to the top. God bless.
    100 days ago
    100 days ago
  • JUSTME29

    Keep reaching for those hands
    100 days ago
    100 days ago
    You deserve to listen to that gentle voice. Don't give up. We're with you.

    100 days ago

    I recently got back to eating less but still not exercising. I gained about 40 pounds in about three months that it had taken me over a year to lose. So easy to fall back into habits we feel comfortable with even when we know better. My motto has been 'This time, this time. Never quit, never quit!!!' As long as you have that hope to hold fast to then you aren't quitting and I believe you will make it to the surface.

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    100 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    I was actually thinking about you the other day and you were in my list of those I wanted to contact. You must have heard me.
    It is a very good sign you are reaching out. Take good care of you!!!
    100 days ago
    Hello Beautiful Friend 😊 that soft gentle voice is to be trusted... you’re going to make it.... keep looking up- and grab a hand when you are able! 🤗 and 🙏🏻 and loads and loads of empathy .... I SEE YOU 💔 and HEALING is ahead ❤️
    100 days ago
    Very thoughtful message. I'm glad you keep kicking!
    100 days ago
  • KAYDE53
    emoticon emoticon
    100 days ago
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    100 days ago
  • no profile photo CHAYOR73
    Don't give up, emoticon emoticon
    100 days ago
    Keep on keeping on. emoticon
    100 days ago
    Hi Susan,
    Sometimes you have to be realistic about the goals you set for yourself. Don't let this depression you are feeling get you down. Try walking, I am sure your dogs would love that , and try to do things that bring you joy. Think back to your childhood if you have too. How are you sleeping? Are you eating healthy?

    If you still are having this sense of no hope please see your Dr. and tell her your thoughts and how you feel.
    There is medicine that will help you deal w/ the hopless feelings that you are having.

    Keep thinking positive thoughts and just take one day at a time. emoticon

    100 days ago
    Keep kicking for the surface. You will make it. Listen to those gentle voices.

    100 days ago
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