Tuesday, November 19, 2019
I wish I could pour my heart out on here. My mind is racing like crazy. For the safety of those involved, I cannot speak plainly. I covet your prayers for my family and I. I have barely been able to work for the last 2 weeks. I'm really struggling to focus. My attention span is like 3 minutes right now. I can give a little background information:
Please excuse my brutal honesty as I lay out the background for part of the reason My tongue has been burning for the past 3 weeks to get out what I am going through. I know it is something positive, in fact, I never could have asked for a happier event. But, here is why I am handling it the way I am.
I grew up in a cult that focuses on homeschooling (homeschooling is NOT a cult, but the group we homeschooled with IS a cult). If you would like more information on that cult (the same one as the Duggars and Bates, you can visit www.recoveringgrace.org or you can search for 'Laura's Story' on Homeschoolers Anonymous.
I was thrown to the wolves, no not literally, but I was sent to college without being prepared for college life. I had bout into the cult's lie that college is evil and I fought my parents tooth and nail because I didn't want to go. During my first 2 years at a Bible college, I learned just how much I don't know. There were plenty of inappropriate (even dirty) discussions, joking, and movies. In fact, the guys would hide 12 packs of beer in the backs of the toilets. Administration knew, but never did anything about it. Also, this was the first time that I really interacted with guys in a situation where we were not scrutinized and supervised (boy/girl discussions, even glances, were forbidden when I was growing up). I learned really quickly that I did not know how to talk to guys. The guys that I was used to hanging out with were my brother's friends.
AFter 2 years at the Bible college, I transferred to Cedarville University. Oh, when I was at the Bible college, I started cutting for multiple reasons. But, the primary reason was so that I knew I was alive. Growing up, I was not allowed to have any emotions whatsoever, so I had turned off my emotions at about the age of 8ish. The cutting got worse at Cedarville.
I graduated from Cedarville in 2007. In 2006, I started hanging out with a guy friend at the time. We were not officially dating or anything, just getting together for dinner and long walks in nature. At the time, I was so naive that I did not realize what he was trying to do. In 2008, we moved in together due to my parents' displleasure at our partnership. We eventually married in 2011. There is sooo much that happened during those years! Several months before the wedding, my pastor asked me why I continued to call mom regularly. He asked me that because every conversation with mom turned into me cutting because I couldn't handle the pressure from her plus the pressure from my husband.
In July of 2011, my pastor insisted that I be evaluated because of some stuff that I had said to him (kinda a cross of suicidal/homocidal). I remember the day like yesterday. It was July 5, 2011. We went to a walk in clinic the next county over. When we told them what we wanted, the receptionist told us that no one was there for me to talk to. So, I ended up at the ER. The ER sent me to Kettering Behavioral. I was there for over 2 weeks. Thus began my many "vacations".
In 2015, my ex-husband and I moved to the southern portion of the state in order to care for his ailling father. In 2016, we bought a house. In 2015, I went to a clinic a county over and was diagnosed with Bipolar I and ADHD. I was not really that stable during the next couple of years. Then, in the summer of 2018, I left my ex due to his mental, emotional, and sexual abuse and moved in with my parents. I have been with my parents since.
I started with a therapist and psych a county over from our county. I really like the psych, I am still seeing her. I liked the therapist at first, but then he kept pushing me to try pot. He told me that my case of Bipolar 1 is so severe that psychs will never be able to find a med combo that works and insisted I needed to try marijuana. Then, during the session, he proceeded to hold up a pot brownie he had. I was so upset after that. I canceled my next appt with him. I ended up reporting him.
A few weeks after this encounter, I went to a clinic in my county for a walk in evaluation. The person I spoke with happened to be the director of the place, she sent me by squad to the ER. I was admitted for 3 days. I had a horrible school year. I had a car accident and totaled my car and messed up my ankle and back, and my divorce was finalized in March. In November I was ordered back to work after missing 2 weeks, even though the dr had me written off for another 2 weeks. So, I resigned. Then, a couple days later, I was hired by a school district I had been trying for 4 years to get a job in.
Last summer, I spent almost the entire month of June in the hospital. This past summer was not the best summer I've ever had. After all failed attempts at getting me stable and everyone saying I needed to go to a long-term placement, we decided just to put faith in God and let Him work. We started going through "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyers. Ever since then, I have been a little more stable. I'm not completely stable as we still haven't found a med combo that works.
Fast forward to now.
One of my big outlets for dealing with stress is to post in some secret Facebook groups. But, due to the nature of the events I have eluded to, it is not safe to do that. My mind is just really racing. I can't focus. Please pray for me. I have my first evaluation in about 45 minutes. I'm not really that worried about it. I had a really good review last year. I'm just trying to get my mind wrapped around all that has happened in the past 3 months.