Thursday, September 26, 2019
I couldn't take the weight gain anymore so I quit my meds cold turkey. Ultimately, a terrible decision. I'm barely functioning, symptomatic, and while I lost a good chunk of weight at first I'm now simply maintaining even with eating within my calorie range and exercising 5-6x/week. I blame the stress - my anxiety alone has gotten so bad I'm having stress induced seizures. My doctor has started me on a new medication to balance my moods but is going SO SLOWLY in increasing the dosage to a therapeutic level. Right now it's not doing anything. And while we work on that she's not willing to do anything for my anxiety.
I looked into applying for disability because even before I quit my meds I was feeling too overwhelmed by my job but I honestly can't decide if just trying to force myself to work or going through the disability process would be worse, especially with a 67% rejection rate on first applications. And according to what I read the fact that I have higher education will count against me, too. I've considered returning to retail, but I can't physically handle standing for 8+ hours and I need to be able to drink without a schedule because my epilepsy medication causes dehydration (every retail position I've held did not allow me to drink while on shift), and I am not sure I could handle how cruel customers get. Maybe something secretarial? Once I graduate I could try to find something online, but that would mean my husband would have to find a different job and so far he's refused to even consider finding a better job.
I have been considering calling up my old therapist and scheduling an appointment. I graduated from talk therapy when I was pregnant, but with all the emotional turmoil going on it might not be a bad idea to pop back in for some sessions while I wait for my medications to get figured out. Maybe she could help me figure out if disability is a good idea. I'd like to get a consultation with a disability lawyer but that would have to be done during work hours, and I can't really ask for time off work to go consult a lawyer about leaving work.
Next week my baby has a sleep study to determine if his breathing is dangerous, since his pulmonologist is concerned he's not efficiently expelling C02. So he and I will be spending next Friday overnight in the hospital. I have lots of worries about that, mostly my own private worries as I am sure he will sleep just fine. The boy can sleep anywhere. Then that Saturday is my niece's birthday party, but between the sleep study and my own issues I am not sure we're going to make it. I might have to schedule some private family time with my niece to get her the gift I got her, instead of going to a public park with a bunch of screaming 1st graders.