I am going to write this blog, but right this moment i don't know if I am going to post it. If you are reading it, well, I decided to go ahead and let others see it.
It is currently 5:08 am on the east coast of USA. I am in pain from eating. the thing is, sometimes, even if I just eat a little bit, it causes pain, the doctors are looking into this. Right now though, that's not what is going on. Since 10:30 pm last night I have eaten 4 times. Two ham and cheese loaf sandwiches, half a box of candy, two boiled eggs, and a chicken strip TV dinner. The last several days have been just as bad. Part of the problem is that I can't stand to see food go to waste. You see, I don't bring this up often, but we are quite poor. (I wouldn’t tell such personal information, but we are basically anonymous on here so…. We get food stamps, but only $90. So we go to a food pantry once a month and they give you a big box of canned food, frozen meats, snacks and sweets. You get to pick your veggies off of big tables. I usually get lots of green peppers. (they had free packs of frozen chicken feet on the table last month, I got a pack – we DID throw those away,) The issue is the snacks and sweets. Most of the time, I don't even want them. But I feel I must eat them as they were given to us. My husband eats some of them, but I eat most. If I had any sense, I would portion these out over a month. I cannot do this, they all must be gone as quickly as possible. (for one thing, they are already out of date and will go bad soon.) (You can not ask for these not to be included, they don’t take special orders, they help too many people to try to do that.)
We have discussed just throwing this stuff away when we get home, but I have been unable to bring myself to do it. They are all gone now, for this month. We got them Tuesday! What also doesn’t help is my mother in law. She is an odd person and does not appreciate anything that is done for her. We get her groceries at Walmart using their pickup service. She asked for a pack of ham and cheese loaf. We ordered it for her. She ate one piece and said it made her sick and had to be rotten because store employees would certainly not pick good, fresh items for people, her friend told her this I guess. So, what does she do with it? Sends it to us to eat! Shows what kind of person she is I think, she thinks it is rotten but thinks her son and daughter in law should eat it! So now we have a big pack of ham and cheese loaf, which by the way is delicious and fresh and has a sell by date for November 20th! Next issue from her is that she gets free meals brought to her by the commission on aging. She won’t eat most of these either. They are really good TV dinners and a tiny jug of milk. Again, picky, she says most of them taste bad, There is only one or two kinds she will eat, the rest – you guessed it – comes home to us. We usually eat these as we bring them home, but forgot we had some and they will go bad in 1 or 2 more days so I must eat them before they go bad. I cannot let them go to waste. Oh, and the eggs, well, I ask hubby to keep me in those, but I hadn’t eaten any in a couple of days because of all the other food. Can’t let those eggs go to waste now can we.
We can’t NOT get the food pantry food, it is important to us, we get one box per month. I just can’t stand to see the food from my mother in law go to waste either. Sometimes I do binge at other times of the month but not nearly as often. Although my husband says I eat every two hours, this is usually a big fight between us. (don’t get me wrong, he is Awesome in SO many ways but does NOT understand my emotional eating, never has, probably never will. Thinks I should just be able to not eat.)
I’m at a loss as to how to control this. I am so ashamed of myself for eating like this. I have actually had counseling in the past for this but I simply cannot bring myself to go through that again.
I’m not really sure what I expect from writing this, maybe I just need to admit it all to myself. Maybe you great folks can help me with some ideas, or just moral support. Maybe I’ll show it to my husband, maybe that will help, I don’t know.
If you made it this far, I appreciate it. It is now 5:59 am. I think I will go ahead and post this and maybe try to get some sleep.
Hugs to all