This summer has been a roller coaster of emotion - up and down, spinning 'round...
I'm so glad we got to do a lot of camping, as that helps me to relax and reconnect with nature. I feel so much more at peace and happy while we are out there, and it stays with me for awhile after getting back to the "real world".
So here I am. I'm full of sadness and anxiety and fear and uncertainty. I'm so glad I had an appointment with my counsellor yesterday, as I was able to talk about a lot of this with her. I'm feeling like I can write this blog to help relieve some of the stress.
My sweet hubby has a hernia that he got at work. This is the third one that he has had since about 2008. He will require surgery again, the consultation for the surgery is October 22. When he goes to the appointment he is going to ask about the chances of staying in his job. This scares me so much that he might have to find a new one. He's been there for just over two years after the company he worked at before closed it's doors. He had been there seven/eight years. With the economic climate in Saskatchewan, it took him 14 months to find this job and things have not improved job-wise in the province so it is scary if he needs to find a new one. He's over 50, which already is a strike against him when people are looking at hiring. The job he is at now is with a wonderful group of people!! The pay might not be that great, but he has really good benefits, RRSP matching, and gets extremely good deals on the product that the company sells. We save so much not having to buy meat at the grocery store, it is worth two dollars an hour to us!
My workplace is incredibly dysfunctional and I wish I could leave. I'm only a receptionist, so I don't make enough money to support me and my husband if he's not working. But there are good benefits, RRSP matching contributions, and I've been there long enough I get five weeks of holidays. Some places never even let you get to that point, so I should be thankful. But it is difficult to stay there when some people are hurtful and nasty, and go out of their way not to give you the information you need to do your job. I can plug along normally, but with all the things going on right now in my life it just feels like this is one more stone tied to me as I drown with all the weight.
We are planning our 20th Anniversary party in Jamaica on April 1st, 2020. Such a wonderful and exciting event!! Many of the people who were there for our wedding will be coming back to celebrate with us. Planning an event is always a little stressful, especially from another country. With the uncertainty about my husband's health and job, it is adding to the stress for me. And time is winding down quickly and the things I already wanted to have organized and in place are not.
It is September 11th today. This is the anniversary of our best friend's passing from cancer in 2011. He was the best man at our wedding. The anniversary of his death is the beginning of many sad anniversaries for me until the end of the year. Our Alaskan Malamute, Irie, passed away November 9th of the same year. Two years after that on December 22nd my brother had a heart attack and passed away. My mom had a heart attack on December 9th two years ago. I lost two aunties and one uncle throughout all this time too...
And today, my sweet Reggae (our Newfoundlander-cross) is in surgery. She tore her ACL in 2016 and had to have the bone altered and a metal plate installed to help the bone heal the way they set it. The metal plate started to cause irritation and actually broke through the skin. So they have to remove it. It will cost us $1000. We've been so stretched financially that we barely have that much room on our credit card.
We have been trying to save for the Anniversary party, as there are a lot of expenses. We've sent some money already to pay for things, but it has been quite difficult. We've planned to cash in some of our investments to pay for things, but I am so scared to take as much out as we planned, not knowing how the future is going to unfold. We can't cancel the party, as some people have already booked their rooms and have their tickets.
I have been trying to just trust that God will keep us safe and sound. We've been through a lot of very difficult situations in the past 29 years (we lived together for nine years before we got married). I know we are strong, I know we are a good team and can conquer a lot. We have accomplished so much, and pushed through adversity so many times. We can do it again - but I'm tired of having to fight these battles. I don't know if I have the strength left in me after all these years.
It's just the uncertainty that I think is what's giving me the biggest problem. Once my poochie is back at home to heal from the surgery, that will be one HUGE load off my mind.
I'm praying that God will give me the strength to leave everything else in His hands, and know that He will guide us where we are supposed to be. We are where we are meant to be, to learn the things we need to know, and to meet the people we are supposed to meet. The uncertainty is part of life, my faith should be strong enough to leave it in God's hands. The forces that are causing my doubt and stress are not from God. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
It's just the combination of everything all at once that is making it seem insurmountable. We will make it, one step at a time. I will push on through, and God will show me the way. I know that worrying about things that are months away is unproductive... I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.
Thanks for letting me unload!