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Balancing Gifts and Demons

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

My father, who was my abuser, died a week ago. We had only recently learned he had kidney disease and limited time remaining. His ex-wife, a good friend, had power of attorney over his care and is now his executor. She chose palliative care over dialysis in order to make his remaining time more comfortable, but just 3 days after his hospital release, he passed away in his sleep.

Knowing he was dying, I had done an internet search and found resources for when your abuser dies, including this excellent and comprehensive one, How to Cope when Your Abuser Passes Away.

My feelings remain ambivalent, as they were before this sudden health crisis and his passing.

I was in therapy for several years at 2 times in my life, blessed with excellent therapists, the first trained in EMDR therapy, the second in family systems. We dealt with my PTSD that originated in “severe childhood sexual abuse.” I rarely get triggered these days, though it can still happen, and I have excellent tools to help me cope.

At my request, there were times when he paid for my therapy: his form of making amends. We developed a cordial relationship, carried out by mail after I moved from California to Washington. I would send occasional holiday cards (though NEVER for Father’s Day) and a calendar every Christmas. He would send letters, articles, cards, and occasional checks.

When Linda (my ex-stepmom) informed us just how sick he had become, I knew I had no interest in visiting him, though I decided to send a newsy card every week or so. The first of those was a thank you card. Actually it was a blank card with a nature scene and a quote by John Muir about the healing qualities of nature.

I thanked him for 2 important gifts he had given me: sharing his love of nature with us all on family camping trips, and introducing me to Living Love—a personal growth system with books, songs, and workshops which began my inner journey of healing. It’s sad that he likely didn’t receive that acknowledgement in the mail from me before he died, but I expressed it in my heart and sent it out into the universe.

Before we learned that he had specified he did NOT want any memorial service, I had thought of a funny camping story to share, should that be appropriate at some point in the proceedings. My siblings and I are all somewhat disappointed there will be no gathering. We were looking forward to connecting with any relatives or old family friends who may have attended. So we’ve decided we’ll make arrangements to visit Linda when things have calmed down for her, and we can coordinate travel with brother and sister-in-law in Turkey.

I decided to take the full 5 days of bereavement leave we’re allowed by contract. Actually a half day of that will be devoted to another job interview, and I’ll spend the final day with my sister, relaxing and talking. I felt moved to share this blog, because here on Spark, I’ve mentioned my past abuse before, but have never expressed any of the positive influences my father had on me. It feels right to recognize both the demons and the gifts.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ROBEC4175
    emoticon Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers emoticon
    77 days ago
  • DAP1313
    thank you for posting that link. I will be checking it out as like you my father was my abuser. I am glad that you were able to over come what happened like you have.

    82 days ago
    I'm glad you're taking the 5 days to take care of yourself. I relate to the mixed emotions towards an abuser. Take care
    90 days ago
    emoticon It's hard to admit that the person the gave us our demons did give us life experiences that were worthwhile. I'm glad that, even if he never read them, you took the opportunity to put it out there into the world. You and your siblings are in my thoughts and prayers.
    91 days ago
    Thanks for sharing this. It is a bag of mixed emotions when one's abuser dies. Thanks to your choice to find help in healing, you are a stronger and better person.
    92 days ago
    ((((HUGS)))) and blessings to you.
    92 days ago
    Thank you very much, Amanda. I also had some ambivalence when my father/abuser died. He was only 46 when he died, and I was 25, and there was not specific therapy at that time for survivors of sexual abuse. I had a love/hate relationship with my dad. I hated what he had done when I was very young, but grew to appreciate his several good qualities. I always admired his good qualities.
    I can understand your mixed emotions too.
    I'm also sorry there won't be a memorial service.

    92 days ago

    Sorry his wish for no memorial service was granted...

    Because a gathering of friends and family of a deceased
    is really for the living, not the deceased themselves.

    A chance to share some good memories
    renew past connections, maybe make new connections
    and possibly another opportunity to release the hold of negative memories.

    92 days ago
    Thinking of you, Amanda. emoticon emoticon

    You are very brave for sharing your experience.

    Take care of yourself!
    92 days ago
    Thank you for your strength and bravery in sharing your experience. You give hope to others who may have similar experiences. I wish you peace.
    emoticon emoticon
    93 days ago
    I am so sorry you had to go through what you did, but grateful that you were able to get the help and therapy to help you quote. Wishing you all the best as you and your siblings plan to gather for family connections. Willing you peace.
    93 days ago
    Thanks for sharing, Amanda. Wise words, indeed. I'll check out the article with your link, as well.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    93 days ago
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