Hitting the Reset Button
Thursday, June 13, 2019
So the past week was pretty much a wash. I stayed within my calorie goals. I measured every little thing I put in my mouth. I went on lots of walks. Yet, I'm back to 199.6 lbs.
I looked at my progress goal chart, and by now I should be down to 194. But guess what? I'm not. So, for about the 10th time, I need to hit reset. Again.
I had an appointment this week which required me to look quite dressed up -- yet everything in my closet that fit wasn't appropriate. I tried to make my favorite blue button-up shirt work, but when I tried it on with my blue blazer, it ripped across the back. I just broke down and cried.
Today, as I got off the train, I looked around and said to myself, "Look at all these people who are so much heavier than me. I should be happy I'm the way I am. Those people have way more than 50 lbs to lose." I know it's wrong to judge others, and to try and measure yourself up to them because their struggles are different than my own. However, I couldn't help it.
It is so upsetting having a whole closet full of clothes that don't fit. They're like bullies speaking out to me: "Hey, Fatso! Don't you wish you could fit in me?" and "Hey, Chubber, remember when you wore this outfit last? You looked great then; now you look terrible."
I know, I know. I should be happy. I have a wonderful husband, who fell in love with me BEFORE I lost all the weight the first time. I was heavier than I am now when we first started dating.
I have a wonderful baby boy who adores his mommy. Part of the reason my body is the way it is happens to be because of him. But I don't blame him. I would rather look like this than to never have given birth to him.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why is nothing never enough?