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Finding a way

Tuesday, May 07, 2019

Am I just coasting? I haven't been on track, but I haven't gotten completely off track. I did a 5k got a little worse time than usual, but my shoes weren't working for me, so I think that was a factor in my form. They've been demoted to nordic track shoes. Note to self this paycheck I need new sneakers.

I was struggling off and on to stay on track. I'd been doing better but not 100% consistent like I had been.

Personally I'm going through a rough patch. We have to use IVF to have a family. I came to terms with that before, but despite all of my research prepping me for how hard it would be.. Nothing could have truly prepared me for how difficult of a process it truly is. It has been a difficult winter and spring. We had a failed embryo transfer in April (the absolute despair I felt that day was a pain I'd never felt before in my life) and in a few weeks we try again. At he same time three of my closest friends have moved, one to Alabama, one to Virginia, and one just 90 minutes away, but much different than 20. A few days before Easter a family friend, mentor, and college professor of mine passed away. The loneliness I feel at times engulfs me, but I know I'll adjust. IVF makes you feel lonely on some level. Most people who go through it experience this lonely feeling.

Easter was lovely, however that following Wednesday we lost my grandmother and my heart shattered again.

It's like my heart hasn't stopped taking hits this year. I get moments of reprieve, but the hits just keep coming. I took some days off of work just to clean the house and reconnect with myself. I also spent a lot of time scrapbooking which always makes me feel better.

I'm not depressed (I do suffer from depression, so I know what it feels like) I feel beaten down, but not defeated.
Right now I lick my wounds and dig myself out a little everyday, but some days I beat myself up over not tracking or not working out, but the other part of me is thankful just to be healing.

so some days I'm really on top of things and other days like Sunday when it rained all day we ordered pizza and watched movies. Today I packed my lunch and breakfast and we're doing leftovers for dinner, so I don't have to cook dinner. I cooked last night.

Thanks for listening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DEBIGENE
    I was pretty sure I commented on your blog and then I realized I just could not put my feelings into words at the time I was reading it and meant to get back.

    I am so sorry to hear the losses you have gone thru my friend and I will keep you in prayer that good things will come in His time. You surely have reason for grief, be sure to recognize and accept those feelings.
    Be patient and have faith, think positive thoughts when negative or upsetting thoughts come to mind. You will get thru this. There will be a new day tomorrow.

    What a blessing you had your family close at Easter. Hold on to those positive memories.

    Hope to chat with you soon.
    212 days ago
  • SSUUEE1
    I will be praying for you. You have been through a lot.. I'm glad your strong.. Keep up your positive thoughts. You have this..
    215 days ago
  • no profile photo MLR_00
    👍🏻
    215 days ago
  • DANIELASOMMER
    I hear you. I’m sorry for your loss. Our moods play such a big role, it’s important to recognize them and deal with them. Glad you’re in tune with them. Community work always helps me feel more motivated to give or do something bigger. Keep on 💗
    215 days ago
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