Tuesday, January 29, 2019
Here ya go, my fellow kennel mate. I am not a blogger. As you see, I've tried. It's tough for me to sit down and write about the real me... the ugly truth, as it is also called. I've never shared it all... I come from a stoic German mom who said, "We aren't here to let it all hang out... you don't need to share everything about yourself." Notice, she didn't say that's because no one cares and I'm sure she didn't mean it that way. It was just how she grew up. She also shared with me that when you know better, you do better... which is why she said I would be a better mom than she was, because I would take what I like and leave what I don't. Sadly, she died when I was seven months pregnant with my oldest son.
So back to this for Diane... Diane who challenged her fellow kennel mates to BLOG.
Honestly, it's not about being the popular girl and having people read it for kudos on my part... it's about the first part of my mom's lesson when I was younger... "we aren't here to let it all hang out." I'm not comfortable about sharing everything about my weight loss journey. You gotta tell the truth and I've become quite the avoider of the truth when it comes to weight loss. I don't want people to know how much I weigh... I tell them it's none of their business. I've stopped donating a specific way for blood donations, because I refuse to get on the scale for it. You'll get your blood, just not as quickly as before. It's none one of your d*** business. You can see that I am definitely over 150 pounds. No, I'm not stepping on the scale at the doctor's office... it ain't my physical. Besides, do you want me on suicide watch? (Kidding here)
It's about the shame.
There's actually quite a bit of shame involved in this process. Who really wants to share their shame? Like what the h***??? How is it that I continue to abuse my body with food after all these years? Back when I was 40, I lost nearly 50 pounds. I found it again over time. Yes, I still carry that shame. It's heavier than the weight that I put back on. The shame I feel when I look at my husband, who loves me through thick (fat) and thin, my sons who feel the same, my friends... ditto. But ME... the shame I feel when I look in the mirror. How could I let that happen?
The shame, as I remember coming back from a summer at my grandma's (dad's mom) and my mom yelling at her saying, "What did you do to my girls? My 10 year old (me) needs a bra." The shame of sneaking food, because after a summer of being over-fed, I didn't know when I was full, so I bypassed that and went to stuffed. The shame of being bullied for not only being sensitive ("cry-baby... let's make Monica cry) to now being fat... I'm sure for those of you that have been fat as a kid, you need no reminders of how cruel kids can be.
I don't like sharing it, because it sounds like whining. Whiners don't win. And weight loss, you gotta be a winner. But there you go... letting it all hang out.
And fat people... we learn to cope... we're usually the funniest or the smartest. But we try to find a way to fit in, while protecting ourselves. Our hearts, which are generally broken because of the extra weight we carry around.
So, over the years, I've been the fat girl. Fatter sometimes more, sometimes less, but never the thin girl, except for the brief moment when I was 40. So brief that I barely remember it. The scale hit 158 at Weight Watchers and I asked my leader, "So how do you support your members once they hit goal?" "Oh, you don't even have to come to meetings any more. You just weigh in once a month." What? You're going to let me go it alone? You've given me no real skills. Why did I get so fat in the first place? Can I live on zero point soup and two point bars?
I know that I have to delve deeper into why I abuse myself with food. I need to quit lying to myself. I remember seeing Ann Wilson of Heart talk about her weight and she said that she was the opposite of an anorexic, because even at her highest, she didn't really see herself as fat as she was. She'd see pictures and wonder who that was. I'm a bit like that. I won't step on the scale for a while, then my clothes get tighter and I see a picture and think, who is that? When I decide to get on the scale, I don't know who cries more, me or the scale. Then the shame. It's a vicious cycle.
So let's blog it out. I'm eating healthier, more intuitively, making wise food choices, walking more, moving more, lifting weights. It's coming off... not as fast as I want, but it's coming off. Can I live with what I'm doing now? Yes, I think I can. When ME becomes the priority, which I'm working on, I know that I can do it and the weight will stay off.
Diane... this one's for you!!!