Family Life Still Not Easy/Feelings Holding Me Back
Tuesday, January 08, 2019
It's being a long time that I do not blog, but I feel so awful and upset that I need to let it out to the Universe trying to regain peace in my life and with myself.
Christmas is supposed to be a happy time to share with friends and family, but for me it has turn to be a dreadful time of trouble and sad feelings. My sister, a grownup like me with grandkids like me acts like a kid, but this year she blowups everything. She kept comparing my kids and grandkids to hers. I do not understand why. This Epiphany celebration she told my mom a real bunch of unfair and nasty things about my youngest. I do not understand either why my mom told me all about it, but she did that same night.
It got me. It got into my nerves. I felt furious. I felt hurt. I couldn't managed it. So I decided not to eat because I did not want to end up binging on sweets. So without thinking about what I was doing, I got the guts to write a message to my sister telling her that I knew about what she said about my youngest and her loving kiddos. I asked her to stopped it because I was tired and very overwhelm with the situation and I also made a desicion and let her know, to take her out of my life relationships because she is toxic to me and it is harming myself and my health (by the way, my blood pressure was high this morning and could not sleep well last night feeling like trash).
Fearing her reaction, I blocked her from all my social media, and from my cell phone, so I do not know what happened after I sent the email, yesterday. But this morning I feel like trash again. I feel very sad like if something is dying inside of me. I do not understand why I feel so sad and like I did wrong. I do not know if it is a weird feeling of having the guts to tell her, "I know it stop it" . I do not know if it is the hurt that it is my sister, my only sister because all the rest are brothers. I do not know if it is the sadness of expecting another behavior from a sister and realizing that it won't be like that ever, ... I do not understand this weir sad feeling and I am scared of binging on sweets so I decided to stay on water and coffee until I figured out why I am feeling so sad and so bad, like if I were a bad, nasty witch. All I know is that I felt tired and I wanted to protect myself from more emotional damage that bottom line gets me to binge and overeating.
Can you please have a look from the outside and help me figured out why I am feeling so sad and that I am the bad one after all that had been happening from years now. Did I do wrong, did I chose bad, Am I the a bad person for doing that? Why is it that I feel so weird today. Please I need support and help. Thank you for stopping by and reading.