Feeling Lost (Plus 2019 Goals)
Wednesday, January 02, 2019
I’m not even sure where to begin this one.
2018 nearly killed my spirit and I’m here hoping I can turn things around in 2019.
I have been struggling with pain and physical limitations, plus depression... which both feed off each other, and make each other worse... it’s a terrible cycle I’m not really sure how to get out of.
Here’s what I’m dealing with:
1. Foot pain- I broke my ankle (among another things) in a really bad car accident almost 8 years ago. The injury healed, the bones were set by a fantastic surgeon and I have zero lingering issues in the bones themselves. But I am not without issues completely. The foot constantly hurts. The ligaments/tendons/muscles hurt. A lot. Sometimes I will be walking along, relatively pain free, then the back of my ankle will seize up and nearly take me to the floor. It takes my breath away, it’s that painful. My ankle is 100% of the time swollen. Inches bigger than it should be. I wear size 8.5 shoe. I have a pair of size 10 boots (short boots, slightly higher than a bootie, no heel) - I had to get that size because otherwise my foot wouldn’t fit inside it- and it’s still a bit tight. I’ve talked to my primary, and my orthopedic. They tell me there isn’t anything wrong with the bones, they say the swelling is to be expected after this injury (ankle shattered, multiple screws/pins in there) But I don’t buy it. I am convinced if I can strengthen my muscles and get some of the adhesions around the incision taken care of, then I will get some relief. Maybe not 100%, but a lot.
But in my other foot, I have plantar fasciitis. Which is even more excruciating than the pain in the other foot. Which is another of those things that can be “cured” with a simple solution.
With both of those issues combined, I can barely walk. I mean, I can walk. But not for long and not quickly. A quick 30 minute walk (or grocery shopping, or standing in a check out line) will leave me unable to put weight on my feet for the rest of the day, and the pain lasts at least two or three days. Heck, even sitting with my feet in the floor, the pressure of them resting on the floor causes me pain. How can I walk for exercise if it’s gonna put me out of commission for half the week?
But that’s just the start of it. I also have herniated discs in my back and a bad knee (also from the car accident), I’m not allowed to lift more than 5-10 lbs. I can’t bend over without pain. I can’t cook/wash dishes without pain. I can’t unload the dryer at all. But most of my pain isn’t from the disc. It’s from my muscles. I have like zero core strength. I can’t even sit up straight for 30 seconds.
Basically, I can sit.
How am I gonna get cardio in, when I can’t freaking move?
2. And then there’s the depression. I am full of anger and sadness with my life. I hate my job, I hate my body (both it’s looks and it’s abilities). I can’t remember the last time I felt true happiness. I am miserable every single day. I am trapped. With no freedom in the foreseeable future.
But I know that each of these things feeds off the other and causes the other. My goal this year is to stop the cycle.
My little goals:
1. Get my physical issues under control. Fix anything that can be fixed. Learn how to cope with what can’t.
2. Get my head under control. Stop letting it control me.
3. Lose some weight (I am at my highest ever weight. Higher than I ever imaged I’d get.) Ultimate goal is to be 150. So I need to lose approximately half of myself.
4. Find a long term, stable, healthy, delicious diet.
5. Ask for help. I don’t like asking for help. It makes me feel inferior. But for my own sake, I’m ignoring that. So this entire post is me asking for help. Give me some motivation. Give me some hope. If you’ve gone through something similar (or are going through it now), tell me your story. Tell me what has worked for you.
Most of all, tell me this is all possible.