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Freedom tastes so much better than cake

Tuesday, May 01, 2018


"The most important day is the day you decide you are good enough for you. It's the day you set yourself free." ---Brittany Josephina

Hey...I'm back, with tail tucked and head downcast in shame....

Time to own up. Between Sept. 2015 (164#) and March, 2018 (246#) I gained 80+ pounds. Seriously, Pam???

Life has been kicking my a$$, and I turned to my old friend, Comfort Food. I resumed night time binging on ice cream, waiting until my husband went to sleep so I could feed my anxiety in private. I was too embarrassed to do it with him watching. Like he did not notice his ice cream was disappearing at an alarming rate?? I would sporadically eat healthy, sometimes all day, and then when night time came? Oops, never mind, and once I ate that, I might as well eat this. Right?? That is how I've been handling my stress.

Then, I decided I needed to change this behavior. I am killing myself with food. I am stressing my poor joints, my back hurts, the list continues. Boo hoo.

I have a current situation that is very, very serious, and inevitably it will end very, very badly. Very badly.

I decided the place to start is with me. I have no control over this situation (my son, again, for my old friends, you know, the damaged one?) but I do have control over me. I started up at the gym again, and it brings me so much satisfaction, not to mention stress-busting. I call it my anti-Eric pill. Go use the treadmill for 45 minutes and I dare you to still feel anxiety. Nope, not there. Good job, Pam.

I (for real) started eating healthy. I am tracking every bite I put in my mouth and monitoring my active minutes, intentionally walking and getting my steps in. Being here on Spark helps keep me accountable, keeps me focused, and was my lifeline when I first started this journey to wellness. I have missed my Spark friends. :)

I am going to be a warrior, and prepare myself for battle. It feels good. Really good. I know I cannot truly prepare myself for what is coming, but I am no longer letting anxiety and anticipation rule my life. I am taking care of me. An added perk is that in April I lost 12 of those regained pounds and that includes a week I was on vacation. Way to go Pam! I am again my own cheerleader.

Again, back on track and feeling in control. All I can control is ME. I must remind myself of that on a daily basis and, hopefully, what I am now doing will simply become what I do. It will resume being just what I do and how I live, instead of having to remind myself. I did it before and I will do it again.

I am not arrogant or unwise enough to say, I got this. I don't want the time to come again where I feel over confident, oh, I can handle this one piece of cake.. I got this. NOT. That is how it all got away from me in the first place. My one bad day turned into a month, into 2 years, as life piled on more and more and I let it suffocate me. I can now take a full breath. It feels so much better now that I have taken charge of my life, instead of letting my life kick my behind.

So, here we go again, moving forward, like a boss.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Are you still on site Pam?
    626 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/9/2019 3:59:41 AM
    Sweetie, I gave up on your posting BUT not on you! Welcome back!
    All you can do is start anew. We've all been there and done that more times than we can say.
    Always here with and ear for you.

    975 days ago
    Welcome back! Even though I saw you post this blog weeks ago, I am just catching up and actually reading it. So glad you are in warrior mode, back on SP, and making healthy or healthier choices. We've both been on this roller coaster long enough to know we just gotta take things one day, one step at a time. No matter what... forward is progress. emoticon
    977 days ago
    I so needed to hear this!! Thanks!
    981 days ago
  • no profile photo CD23266885
    It is difficult to rise above situations but you did it! Sometimes I think about having the serenity prayer tattoed on my arm. Good luck to you...hang in there...
    984 days ago
    Pam... I've just returned from about 6 weeks away, so catching up. Its good to see you posting, and as difficult as it must have been to turn your Life inside out and put that on paper for others to read.... I agree that it is a good thing. We have to find weapons to fight the tough things in our Life. You are doing great, and an inspiration. Gaining weight is not the end of the world...giving up would be though.

    Sincerely hoping that your Journey now takes off in the direction you want and need. Find the Joy in the Journey again....
    988 days ago
    994 days ago
    So Very Glad to see you!!! I have missed you! Oh Yeah children..... I still have the daughter issues. Wre will have to chat in mail some time. You know you are back where you belong and there is nothing but love and supprt here.
    997 days ago
    You've been so missed! So proud of you that you have put yourself as #1 on your to-do list again. Stop looking back at your set-back. It's behind you. GREAT job on April! Now, it's May and let's rock it!
    Sorry about the situation. Sounds like you have accepted it as it is and acknowledge your lack of power over it. We can only do what we can do. I am sorry though. I can hear the sadness and worry in your words.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Extra hugs for you!
    I hope to hear more from you soon!
    emoticon Teresa
    997 days ago
    Amazing Blog! And kick that shame to the curb! You're doing great losing again, but more than that, by relegating anxiety to a different plane than the one you're living on. I thank you SO much for this blog. I just lost 13 pounds, but now am struggling (last 4-5 days) and your blog is what I needed to hear. The tone is exactly what I want to get back to! And, like you, exercising will be my path to it, it always is. I just forget it sometimes when I get too focused on the food, feel too deprived, then get out of control. If it weren't 10pm, I'd start exercising right NOW! But tomorrow will have to do.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    997 days ago
    I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself again. I wish you didn't have to suffer through all of this stress. emoticon
    997 days ago
    I am so happy to read this blog and so proud of you for writing it! Life certainly does get in the way and so many of us find that comfort in foods and other things that aren't always so good for us. I'm glad to hear that you are getting yourself back up to the gym - yes, it's hard to feel anxious or stressed out when you are working your muscles! Personally I took myself a bit of a break called 'the winter that would not end'. By April I was so fed up that I just stayed home and wallowed a bit. But I met with my Personal Trainer 3 weeks ago and she gave me quite a pep talk. I love my time at the gym and one thing I am challenging myself with going forward is to try some new piece of equipment or some new class every week throughout the summer. By Fall I should be pretty well rounded!

    Congratulations on the 12 pounds lost! emoticon
    998 days ago
    emoticon Joining the long line of Spark-cheerleaders! We've all had those moments (months, years) of temporarily tossing in the towel. But in the end, we decide that we're worth fighting for, whatever the stresses. emoticon You were indeed missed!
    998 days ago
    I missed you so much while you were gone. emoticon Thank you for returning to us!

    I'm so glad you've shared what you are going through too. Emotional eating is such a huge issue to face and once again you are proving you are a fighter!
    998 days ago
    It is so hard - especially with people we love - but you're right. The only person you can control is YOU. And even though eating comfort food was a way of trying to take care of yourself, I'm so glad you've moved back to healthier ways to care for yourself. Making ourselves sick with worry doesn't change the situation one iota. But learning to accept that we DON'T control it and taking care of ourselves at least means we're doing what WE can. Know we're right alongside you on this journey!
    998 days ago
    emoticon Sounds like you are on your way and we're here to cheer you on every step of the way.
    998 days ago
    you are a boss .. you got this :)
    998 days ago
  • MELBA1496
    Glad you're back. Keeping you in my prayers.

    Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    998 days ago
    998 days ago
    Welcome back, Pam.
    Life can be brutal for sure. Glad you've decided to take care of you! It's really the only thing we can do.
    Wishing you all the best!
    emoticon emoticon
    998 days ago
    Comfort food, just never brings what we hope it will. We trip and fall down a huge rabbit hole, and it takes some time to crawl our way out. Cheers for tenacity and finding your fight. It’s not an all or nothing gig, yet it feels da#n fine when we’re in our lane and taking care of ourselves. Eating like we matter is empowering! Working out is truly a sanity saver, those endorphins...well amen. Seeing you on my friend feed made my heart smile...no time like now!

    998 days ago
    I've missed you so much, Pam! When you are really ON this program, you are one of the most dedicated fighters. I hate that the situation with Eric gets you so much. It's like the adage, "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." I also know that it must be terribly hard to just walk away from him completely. So I guess the treadmill is a good way to handle it, right? I'm sending you big hugs and good wishes for strength and peace. I'm always here to cheer you on.
    998 days ago
    Sounds as though you are working hard to forgive yourself... You are right...you cannot control Eric. The only one you can change is you. There really isn't anything you haven't tried to help him... I'm so glad you are focusing on getting YOU healthy. When I was in a situation something like that, I sought counseling for some coping strategies... It really helps to have a plan solidly in place for when the that stuff hits the fan. Keep looking at all of the great things you are doing!!
    998 days ago
    So happy to see you here again. I had wondered what was going on, and worried that it was (as seemed inevitable) bad with your son. Know that you have friends here on SP, to hear you, to support you, to commiserate if needed, and to occasionally give unsolicited advice (as friends always seem to do, whether you want it or not). You will get control of your night time eating, probably as soon as you have made peace with the inevitable course life is going to take in your family. You will just do what you must, what is right, even if it is scary, painful and/or full of grief (or maybe you will finally feel peace, as an issue is resolved at last, even if you don't like the resolution. emoticon
    998 days ago
    so good to hear from you. HUGS and prayers. HUGE hugs and prayers.
    998 days ago
  • ALICIA363
    We missed you, too!
    998 days ago
    Pam, I am so happy to see you here today. I have missed you. I'm sorry to hear of the pain and sorrow you've endured and the sorrow that you feel is yet to come, but your attitude of preparing yourself for further hardship and knowing that the only thing you can control is yourself--what a great place to start from. I am wishing you well. I'm in your corner. We can face all this scary stuff with so much more strength when we love and take care of ourselves.

    Peace be with you my friend.
    998 days ago
    Welcome back, Pam!
    I'm sorry you have been through such difficult time,
    but I'm glad you are feeling better and make healthful choices.
    It is wonderful you found the gym workouts reduce stress and anxiety.
    Be proud of yourself, my friend!
    998 days ago
    Pam! I'm recently back after a long while. It is good to be back! I too have had a couple setbacks. My worst nightmare---my brother, my only sibling, passed away suddenly two months ago. I will never be the same, but I came back to Spark to start taking care of myself again. I gained all the weight I lost while I was on the "long break".

    Welcome back! It's good to find my Spark friends when I finally did come back too!

    emoticon emoticon
    998 days ago
    Welcome back, Pam! So good to know that you are taking charge of you. You're off to a great start. Keep giving yourself credit for each victory, no matter how small.

    emoticon So glad you're back!
    998 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Pam I am so glad your back on Sparks and back gaining control of your life again! I have emoticon on Sparks! Missed reading about your life! emoticon on gaining control back and losing it April! I know you can do it!!!
    998 days ago
    Welcome back. 👋It nice to meet another retread. I come back over & over again. Now, I am making changes for my life to continue. I can't keep this weight on me. It's to detrimental to me.
    998 days ago
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