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CALLIKIA
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Another Week

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Another week, still more success and some little hurdles too...

HW: 466.6
12/27/17 Weigh In: 217.5
1/15/18 Weigh In: 213.5
1/21/18 Weigh In: 213.1
1/28/18 Weigh In: 212.3

That scale is still moving in the right direction even while I'm struggling a bit to stay on task, so that's a bonus! The past couple weeks have been difficult. I'm struggling a bit with sugar and wanting to binge due to some emotional crap...but I'm doing my best to keep it in check and spend the rest of the time as on track as possible. I've also been struggling a bit with my workouts. I got some super weird blister or wart or God knows what on the inside of one of my toes and it is making any type of walking, working out, running VERY difficult. I THINK it's almost healed and I've given it a couple days rest (meaning no shoes, not a lot of on my feet stuff) so I'm hoping this week will see the end of workouts delayed due to that specific issue. My hips and back still hurt, but that's the norm now so managing that and moving on is essential!

Like I said, though - the scale is still working in the right direction, my clothes continue to get looser on me, so all-in-all I cannot complain about my progress. I can, however, set more goals and hope again to achieve them.

Goals for the week:
1500 calories per day - GET BACK TO LOGGING IT!
Set February Goals!
Meal Plan
Drink more water and tea!
Less sweets! Less carbs!
60g protein daily!

I've done pretty well the past few weeks with getting in my protein "shakes" and drinking more water and tea. I've also been taking my vitamins and working from a meal plan for dinners, so I'm SURE that's been helping. I'm going to keep working through these goals, hopefully heal up my foot and get back to workouts! Those Nike Training Club workouts are the BEST! It's hard work and challenging for sure, but I can feel the progress and it's fun to realize I can do things now that I could NEVER do before! And see what I still have to improve upon, too! There's progress to be made, progress has been made, that's my favorite place to be!

My run goals... UGH! I was supposed to be up to 3 miles right now but this foot issue really set me back. Still, I have time. Still another 13 months or thereabouts until that half-marathon, so I still have time to train and get that done. I'm not giving up hope now!

Mentally, I struggle daily. Body image. The divorce crap. Me as a person. Yes, I need to find a good mental health professional, but I've been burned SO many times in the past and the one good experience I had - well, she's not taking on any new clients right now (and while I was an "old" client at her previous practice, I would be considered a "new" client here, so...) I may try to reach out again and at least get a referral from her of someone else I can see. Things are weird for me - I go from being incredibly happy and feeling blessed to be where I am to being haunted by my past. And I'm not sure what to do with that.

Yesterday my ex made mention on FB to me as someone who "incessantly fails at life" and while I know 100% that thought is ridiculous (if anything HE has been the one to fail more times than not), I cannot get that dumb phrase out of my mind. Why do I let those stupid things that I know aren't true haunt me so much? I know partially it's because it's one of my biggest fears in life - failure. I also know that he knows that too. When you share yourself with someone they know what hurts you most, and I'm SURE that's why he pulled that phrase out of the air above any other...because he knows it's what hurts me. He could have called me dumb and I would have just laughed. But failure...that hits home. Even though I know it's not really true.

I spent 23 years in an abusive relationship trying to salvage any piece of anything good - making excuses - being the scapegoat - being the sacrifice - so that I could say I didn't "fail". It was one of the only reasons I stayed so long - because people told me it would fail and I didn't want them - no, I didn't want ME to be wrong. But I didn't fail that relationship. I gave too much. If anything, I failed myself by staying as long as I did. But I didn't fail that marriage. I left because it was what was right for my family. He turned his anger on my son and I immediately hit the eject button. That's not failure - that's success. I successfully got us out of a bad situation. I survived. We survived. We succeeded in life. That's not a failure.

I also didn't fail on school - I graduated top of my class all while working 2 jobs because HE didn't feel like working the whole time. I did not fail. I succeeded.

I didn't fail at trying to get healthy - even when I was large I was living a healthier life than a lot of people around me. When I was able to do better, I did. And now I've lost 260 pounds and I'm still losing more than 2 years out, when 50% of patients start to see regain. I haven't failed at that. I succeeded.

I didn't fail at running either. I ran 5ks and 7ks when I was probably the largest person on the course. And now I'm working on the next goals knowing full well that I could walk outside right now and run 1-2 miles. I know that. I succeeded at that. I can run. I decided I wanted to be a runner and I became one. That's not failure - that's success.

My kids are happy (as happy as teenagers can be) and healthy. We just started having family Sunday dinners. It's been two weeks of game night and dinner and talking and laughter. That's success right there!

My bills are paid.
My credit is good.
My relationship is solid.
My kids are well cared for.
My job is great.
I have job offers already and my job doesn't "end" until 2020.
I have options for the future.
I have good friends around me.
I have a solid relationship with my mother.

Okay, I'm not seeing the failing at life part...

I know all that...so why does that crap bug me so damn much? This is why I've been writing in a focus/gratitude journal. All the negative was starting to take too much hold and I felt myself slipping into some depression and I got the thought that maybe it would be best to write it down and put it away. And I use that journal whenever I need to focus. The thought came from a friend from Spark, actually, who asked what my favorite quote was and I told her I needed a new one to focus on - so we searched together and came up with some great ones and I realized how much those help me to refocus myself into a positive space. So I pulled out a journal and whenever I need it, I find a new quote, I write a bit about what I'm struggling with, I write about how to refocus that negative to a positive space, and the act of writing and refocusing helps for a little bit until I need it again. (Probably why I'm on here today...I need somewhere to write the crap out of me so I can feel better.)

So as I move on to the next week, the next month, the next phase of my life - I'm going to refocus on positives. I'm going to keep going toward the direction of my goals. Because I am a success and I will continue to be a success if I continue to fight for what I know to be right. All the haters can just go away because I don't need them anymore...actually, I think what might hurt them most is to know I never did need them in the first place.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SERENEART
    You are not a failure. You are strong and resilient. You haven't given up and you keep trying! I'm so happy to hear your getting out of that unhealthy situation.

    I would agree... maybe unfriend him..or if there is a way to ignore his feed so it doesn't automatically show up.I had heard about that. I'm not on FB...so I am not sure...
    1024 days ago
  • SUGIRL06
    You are one of the strongest people I know! I am always amazed by all you do. Sometimes we know these things about ourselves (logically) but it is still hard to *feel* it. I am sorry he got under your skin but just keep fighting like you are and remember you are badass! Love the journal idea too :)
    ~Ang
    1032 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Wow, just the fact that your ex felt a need to say something that crappy publicly, says a lot about him, and I don't mean that in a good way! Hang in there - you are incredibly strong and I find you very inspiring!
    1032 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4764832
    The only person you should care what they think is you!! I know that feeling all to well but over time you just have to let go, don't be held hostage by your past, it is exactly that, the past. I too, am afraid to fail, but not because it is a bad thing, it is not, I just have always cared to much about what others think and not about what I think! Everything you said above resonates with me!

    I have to work everyday at my demons, but the work is worth it, because you are worth it!

    Keep on keeping on!!
    1032 days ago
  • JULIENSMITH
    Can you unfriend your ex & if not can you just not read them? You have your own life now & he seems to want to draw you back into his. Just say no. You are an accomplished person in your own right. No need to revisit his problems.
    1032 days ago
  • BIRBKITTEN1234
    Sounds like you have a good handle on things! Way to go! You're not a failure!
    1032 days ago
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