Trying to dump the old mindset and start fresh
Monday, January 08, 2018
Here I am, 196 pounds. My last relationship went horribly and at 140lbs or so (I was beautiful), my boyfriend would tell me I was fat, stupid, etc. No matter what, I wasn’t good enough. He was emotionally abusive and because I started to believe what he told me, I put up with that abuse for 3 years. I had panick attacks almost daily and allowed myself to just let go. I ate everything without caring, stopped doing things I loved, stopped exercising because he said I was doing it to look good for others, etc. When he proposed to me in 2014, I said yes nervously but cried to myself for a week straight until I realized this was not what I wanted for myself and left one day while he was at work. I never looked back. Today, I still very much look to food for comfort and don’t think too highly of myself. In 2016, I met the man I am with now. He treats me like I’m so special and beautiful, and loves me unconditionally. I have insecurity issues and don’t believe I deserve him. Sometimes it causes a riff between us because he can’t understand why I don’t believe that he loves me and isn’t going anywhere. I’m angry because this isn’t me. I grew up confident and adventerous. I looked good. My boyfriend of 2 years, proposed to me on Jan 1,2018 and it was like I always dreamt it would be. So different from the last one. I cried happy tears and am so excited for what life has in store for us. This time around, I have a great job and have come a long way. I am self sufficient, financially responsible, and have a nice beautiful car that I worked hard for and deserve. I just want my opinion of my body and intelligence to match up. I know we can be even happier if I can dump my insecurity problems and allow him to give me the world. He’s close to my family, tells me I’m beautiful, we have so many things in common, and truly click. Our wedding will be in October and I’m really putting my best foot forward to lose some weight, feel healthier, and start this new chapter as best I can. I’m also going to therapy and finding it to be very helpful. My fiancé loves me the way I am so this is not for him, but for me rather. I want to feel confident again and know that I am enough. I am not writing this to seek empathy or make excuses. I am writing this to use my anger to fuel my drive further and to push even when things get tough. I CAN do this.