Though the darkness struck me down hard...
Wednesday, October 04, 2017
I was recently hit hard with my depression, in reality my depression never really goes away but there have been some truly good days this last year; however that doesn't mean that after a long day or lots of socializing, stress, etc., that I don't become exhausted, quiet, distant and down.
But a few weeks ago was different than my typical down days... I was hit with a numbing sadness out of nowhere, it took me back to when I first started on this trying journey. I cried myself to sleep in my husbands arms for several nights. I sat in a daze. I was easily frustrated, agitated and emotional. I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere or talk to anyone.
The darkness that invaded my mind scared me, it always does. I begin to question if it's time to start my medication again, or do I need sunshine? Exercise? Sleep? Good food? All of the above? And then the why's... why is this happening? Why now? What did I or didn't I do? I become more frustrated and down because I can find no answer, no reason. I decide to stop trying to figure the "why" out because it's only making me worse.
So I move on to just doing the next thing and -this is vital- I reached out.
I knew I couldn't verbally do so because I would only sob as I did with my husband, instead I put out on social media that I was in a dark place and needed some encouragement, verses, quotes, anything...
My family and friends came in with a lot of good stuff, most I read and didn't really feel any better but I just kept coming back and reading it over and over.
Did it make everything all peachy again? That would be a big no. BUT it took my mind off its current state which is SO important. I received a lot of replies and messages and I reflected on some past comments made towards my depression as well... I want to share some those here:
""The darkest hour is just before the dawn". Sometimes our worst moments in the battle come just before the event that changes everything for the better. Even in your darkest hour, our Father sits with you in the dark, catching your tears and calming your fears. 💜"
"You are not forgotten."
"Ps. 37:23 NLT The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Ps. 42:5 Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God. I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!"
"God's grace is sufficient.... Moment by moment grace, moment by moment grace..."
"I'm glad you're here. You are enough."
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)"
"Never the less she persisted."
"...the LORD is on your side. The same power of God that is expressed in the recent hurricanes; that power that raised Jesus from the dead; that power is in you to will and to work for His good pleasure.
Think only of taking each step today in the strength of the Lord and He will be there with you....He promised.
You are loved!"
"...It's been a long time right? Think of the progress, farther and fewer between."
"I'm praying this attack of the enemy passes quickly. I can't help but think this is the enemy's way of discouraging a strong believer- someone who is on the offense for God and is making headway in the Kingdom through His strength. The only way he can get you down is through this and he knows it is temporary so he will make it as bad as he can for a while. But God.... But God will LIFT YOU OUT!!! And then you will be more thankful and more beautiful for having gone through the valley of the shadow of death. I love you."
I cannot get through reading these before my eyes swell with tears. The love, the encouragement, the truth in those words... I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life, the ones who help me during my dark hours/days.
So why am I writing this?
Because I wanted to be able to look back and see that though the darkness struck me down hard, the light was present and the light won.
Fellow warriors who also fight the dark... white knuckle on, and let others hold your hand through it.
May you feel Gods presence even during the darkest and loneliest night.