Friday, May 19, 2017 - May Day Blog Series - Day 19
Friday, May 19, 2017
Don't know why, but just as I was beginning to type, I let out a great, big "phew......" I don't know what that means, don't know where to start? Or things are good, or things aren't good, or with each passing day I feel a bit more nervous about my upcoming surgery?
I guess it's a bit of all that, good and not good, much to do, nerves on the increase... I'm trying to channel the Tina of late 1988-early 1989. I found out in November 1988 that I had a small, benign brain tumor called a meningioma, that needed to be removed. So the surgery was scheduled for January 1989. It was a nerve-wracking time, but I look back upon it as a life-changing time. In the process of preparing for surgery, I came to terms with a lot of things in my life: I went back to my faith, which had been lost for a long time, I made peace with every aspect of my life, including people I had drifted from. I was really, truly, not afraid of what would happen to me, I gave it to God in a way that I kind of look back at and marvel at and envy. Because as much as I understand that we really don't have any choice but to give it to God, today, as a wife and mother, as well as sister and daughter and aunt, I feel like the stakes are so much higher. In 1988-89, I was a single 29-year old who didn't have a lot of responsibilities to worry about. Not so much today. Of course, that was brain surgery, and this is not. But I worry that if something goes wrong, I, as the only current breadwinner in my family, will let my husband and son down. I worry about not being there for my son. I worry about how my 84-year old mother would react, and my fairly recently widowed sister, who has a lot on her own plate. I am older and have more health issues, I'm more overweight, something I have been trying desperately to change, but have not had a lot of success with.
But there's hope to be gleaned, too. When my surgery went off without a hitch back in 1989, I came through it with renewed gusto. I got serious about a plethora of things. I got healthy, I lost a lot of weight, I decided I was finally going to give in to the life-long dream I'd had and finally got myself enrolled in law school. I continued to live in faith, and gave every single aspect of my life to God. I can honestly say that I was never more at peace in my life than during that period of time. Despite the fact that my father became ill just after my surgery, and was never the same again, and passed away a mere 3 years later. Despite the fact that I still had issues, my faith kept it all under control.
I can't find that faith today. Since my brother in law passed away 4 years ago, I have struggled mightily to regain that blind, trusting faith. Not because he passed away, I understand that stuff like that happens. But for the last 6 months of his life, when you could just see him going downhill, I prayed for one singular thing: that he would live long enough to see his daughter, a lovely, wonderful girl who is, in my opinion, a walking example of God's grace on earth, graduate from college, and that she could enjoy those last weeks of college life as carefree as you are supposed to. Instead, the last month of his life covered that last month of college life...when she should have been booze-cruising and dancing the night away, she was holding vigil at his side in the hospital. When she should have been partying with her friends in their last gasp of college living, she was holding his hand and watching him die. I prayed every day from January to the day he died for what I thought was a most worthy goal, and he died the Thursday before her Sunday graduation. We went to that graduation and knew that awaiting us, two days later, were a wake and funeral. As heavy as my heart was on that day, can you imagine hers? This beautiful, brilliant, kind, caring, wonderful girl, who I have described as Bob (and my sister's) greatest gift to humanity, walking at graduation knowing that her father was in a funeral home nearby, being prepared for his final viewing. I have never been able to get over the fact that my prayers seemed so ignored. And as I bring all that back to life in my heart, and the tears roll down my face as I write, I feel the very same way now as I did then. Even if she wasn't going to get to enjoy all those senior week activities, could she at least not have to graduate knowing she would never see her father's smiling eyes again? Prayers not answered. Just can't get over it.
So all of this brings me back to me, now.. I'm moving towards hip replacement surgery, and have in my catalogue of life a blueprint for how to approach that scary time, but there's this big roadblock, and I can't seem to get there from here. So instead, I try to control the things I can control, I have set my goals and continue to work towards them. But the bigger piece, and to my mind's eye the most important, I just cannot get there.
So as for the things that I can control, here's my report:
1. commit to eating my planned meals and snacks, and no more - did well on this yesterday
2. do one seated workout of the several I have found on SP daily - I did my PT exercises
3. set aside 15 minutes in the middle of every day, just after lunch, to pray/meditate -timing was different, not after lunch, but I did get this done
4. Blog- check
So, to reiterate, phew. But even after all that, I am not afraid to close with, God help me.