Its been a long time since I’ve blogged. & I felt guilty to blog this when I haven’t been here for so long. Almost.
But its always been a safe place to come & a place to journal. So, if you’re reading this…thank you for stopping by, and listening.
I'm sure it’ll be a read…but feel free to skim lol! ;)
This is just me unleashing my heart in a place I know its okay to.
At a time I should be celebrating, I’m cowering. I’m hiding. I’m scared. Its like I feel I’ve lost my confidence. I can feel anxiety beating in my chest.
Here's the thing, I just passed the 4 week anniversary mark of embarking on healthy living and sticking to it! But I didn’t celebrate it.
Every year I have celebrated. This year... April 28th, went by. (The day I started in 2013 @ 248lbs!!!) I felt too bloated. I didn’t want to take pictures. I didn’t want to look at the scale. I started looking at a picture of myself, analyzing, and telling myself I wasn’t pretty. :( What I saw, were fat cheeks, wrinkles, and just a “plain Jane” type of person. I actually looked at myself, and felt like I was looking at my old obese self. :( I haven’t weighed myself the past week or two, but last I was around 153lbs. And I’ve been sitting around this weight. That really doesn’t matter. What is messed up is my mindset.
I’m thinking detrimental thoughts. I’m telling myself hurtful, lethal messages. They are damaging my spirit.
Tonight after flipping through a magazine I picked up (People: Half their Size stories! ) for some inspiration, I just sat and thought what was causing my anxiety the past few days…I’ve binged like 3x! Stupid cookies. Lol. Seriously. And Nutella. Gosh, I love Nutella, and haven’t had it in YEARS. But I ate the whole blasted jar (not in one setting thank God!) and 2 packages of cookies this week (those were within 2 days…may swell confess somewhere :( Or maybe it was 1.5 pkgs…I can’t remember…no it was TWO! Darn it. )!!! For a recovered binge eater, that is very upsetting. Scary. & Embarrassing.
I don’t know why I did it,….I think I did the nutella was apprehension before my “anniversary date” (April 28th) So I felt guilty perhaps? For some reason I didn’t feel good enough to post, to celebrate this year :(
That makes me sad. I needed to blog and see if I could figure it out…
I wanted to tell someone, but I couldn't even tell my close friend that I had reached FOUR years of being committed to healthy living (this is actually pretty significant if I would just celebrate it! ), but I couldn’t bring myself too. The day passed….one that was, is so important to me. Yet it just passed quietly.
I also felt like I’d be coming across wrong. I got stopped by other peoples judgements.
On my Health Anniversary, I usually post on facebook comparison pics and a motivational post or reflection….But last year I got a comment (or two?) about bragging. Mostly I got positive feedback. I didn’t really care about the comments, I just wanted to share people!!! :) I wanted people this is EXCITING!!! and to encourage and inspire others its POSSIBLE to go to places you'd never dream possible! I replied to that comment, nicely, that it was a celebratory photo, and time in my life and actually hard for me to post those photos and admit that I’ve lost 100 pounds—I had got down to 148lbs—, especially to my friends and family. Its one thing to tell all you loving, understanding spark people I’ve lost 100 pounds of FAT, but to tell that to my peers, and family, and oh my gosh. Its like….I don’t know. Somehow, its takes a bit more guts. The air isn’t always quite guaranteed warm. You don’t know the atmosphere.
That is what brings me to now. My standing, my grounding has been trembling. It shouldn’t matter what they think. That it does is like a red alert button going off.
Its what originally made me binge, what caused me to escalate to 248 pounds: hurtful teasing words stung as a little preschooler already. Being bullied throughout the years, and having low self esteem, low confidence, a shaky grounding in myself. As I read recently, my fears and hence my life were wrapped up in other people’s opinions of me. This was my past.
I worked hard on rewriting this the first year of healthy living journey, in 2013-2014 when I started. I did a lot of "jack hammering" and blasting down the old system of self hate towards myself, and rebuilding a new solid framework of holistic self love. Note the word *Framework*. I got the structure in place, but it all needs maintenance, not only my physical body, but my inner self.
And right now my inner self, my inner “framework” is having the old builder come and criticize it. That old builder is essentially taking a hammer and giving a mean blow to pieces of my inner house, and it hurts and is effecting me—inwardly AND outwardly.
I’m talking down to myself, plus I’ve having physical symptoms of stress heightened anxiety, clenching my teeth at night, my digestive system has acted up the past few days (happens when I feel stressed) etc. See how much we are a WHOLE person, and very much effected by the other??!!
I have learned that. My inner self is just as important as my outer self, and it effects the other.
So right now, I know the solution isn’t necessary to go workout, or eat healthier (though those things have made me feel better for a time this past week)…I would not be treating the root cause. I need to address the way I’m thinking about myself, talk honestly and gently to myself…and repair the areas that were “banged” inside me.
One area is what I’ve been telling myself about my beauty—( the "lack"): “You are not pretty, you have fat cheeks. Only some old man who can’t find anything better will settle for you. You’re not beautiful enough.”
I got to replace those hurtful messages, because they are hurting me, making me de-value myself, lose my grounding confidence, and also they are affecting my well-being physically!!!
this picture is from this afternoon...I look at it and wince...I'm sad I don't like what I see. :(
So tonight I’ve been probing the shadows, taking the advice of what I’ve heard many times, and one I re-read tonight, something like….before you binge, ask yourself the real reason. Basically, find out the emotional cause you are going to binge.
So no--I haven't binged tonight
, I've blogged here. I’ve reached in the shadows…And found: My grounding is shaky because I’ve been telling myself I’m not beautiful and think people will reject me. And they may, or may not. I guess I got my homework assignment now…:) —Strengthen my inner-self framework and confidence ground!
Thats all for now…., I’ll tackle thinking about still celebrating another day!….thanks so much for listening dear Sparks friends!!!
You each are a shining blessing of your own amazing beauty! keep sparking and shining,