TRYING TO GET OUT OF THIS SLUMP I'VE BEEN IN
Sunday, April 23, 2017
I can always tell if I'm in a positive or negative frame of mind by the thoughts that form in my head. It seems that lately . . . I'm not exactly sure how long this has been . . . my thoughts have tended to favor the negative variety. I'm still in the 'trying to figure out what's wrong' phase so it hadn't occurred to me that I have a choice in what I focus my mind on, be it thoughts of gratitude or negativity. It wasn't all that long ago that I was blogging 10 things a day that I was grateful for. I wasn't negative then. Quite the opposite. And then I stopped blogging.
I can't say I'm depressed. I'm more than familiar with what that feels like and this isn't it. But I'm not happy. Not even content. I've lost interest in food. I ask myself if it's the 25 pounds I gained and can't seem to shake off. I have a lot of 'I don't care' thoughts. They pop into my head regularly. Is it the fact that I stopped sitting under my 'happy lamp' once the days started getting longer and I thought it was time to get my Vitamin D from the actual sun? Did I stop too early?
I've experienced a number of losses over the past 5 months. I quit delivering flyers when the winter hit. I'd done that job for 22 years but it had become too hard for my body. That was a loss of identity for me; I was no longer The Flyer Lady.
My adult daughter and I have had a tumultuous relationship over the past 8 years. The abuse was emotionally damaging and I was not sorry when she moved in with her boyfriend last April.
Although I relished the absence of so much stress and emotional pain it was still a loss to no longer be an Active Parent. Something very ugly happened on my birthday in late January and as a result I considered myself to be divorced from my daughter. It was difficult initially but after a while I found that I rarely even thought about her. Not necessarily a healthy way of coping but nonetheless, it did help me cope with the pain.
A few weeks back I lost a very significant online friend, someone I had grown connected to over a 5 year period of almost daily support. It's true what they say, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." My initial reaction was one of shock, denial . . . and once the reality sunk in, I felt gutted. This was so unexpected. What did he die from? How could this have happened? How does one mourn the passing of an online friend? Can't even look up the obituary because I never knew his last name. When his son notified us of 'Richard's passing' I asked myself, Who's Richard? Those of us on MFP knew him as Ricktheexpreacher. Although I am a believer, it brings me little comfort to think that Rick is in a better place. I don't know how to grieve properly. I've never dealt with death in a healthy fashion. As a 10 year old child, when I learned that my elderly father was not coming home from the hospital, I put my fist through the wall. Losing Rick is huge. I know it's playing a significant role in how I've been feeling lately.
A few things I've read on this site today have reminded me that I have a choice in whether or not I stay stuck or make a conscious decision to move forward, to focus on the things for which I am grateful. And then there's this one: Sometimes you are delayed where you are because GOD knows there's a STORM where you're headed. BE GRATEFUL.
I guess the bottom line for me is, I simply don't know if I'm at a place in time where I'm meant to stay stuck or if it is time for me to once again choose happiness . And if I choose happiness will I be able to pull myself out of this slump.
I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have. THANK YOU for reading.