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Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017



Need to have this tattoo'd on the inside of my wrist, by my fit bit.

The past five weeks have been chaos, an enormous challenge which I failed miserably. Miserable being the key word. It was simply more than I could handle.

Had an unplanned and unwanted house guest who has caused a lot of damage in the past. Every minute that I was in my house, I was angry and on alert. Hide the jewelry, people, guess who's here? My best nest was no longer a safe place and I repeatedly ate myself into a food coma, a sugar high, you get the picture.

That chapter is closed, he is gone. I can now get a full breath and try to assess what went wrong.

Why was I unable to deal with this? I have learned so much, I have come so far, right? Haven't I?

Hmmmm......well, here's the deal. I did not even try to cope, I was like an alcoholic who just reached straight for the alcohol and said to hell with it. I tried to soothe myself in any way (any flavor, ha ha) that I could. For me, ice cream is the drug of choice. A LOT of ice cream.

I realized I was out of control, but simply could not stop the slide off the cliff. The best I could do was to remember there was a light at the end of the tunnel, an end date, the magic number March 12. Just make to March 12 and we can start fresh. That's the best I could hope for with where my head was at.

I learned that it is absolutely essential for me to have my safe place. I used to live in daily chaos but not any more; I cannot function like that.

When I was out of the house, I was fine. Turn down my street? Instant raging headache, instant tension, and compulsively eating EVERYTHING that I viewed.

I learned that sometimes, I just have to grit my teeth, and go to bed.. I slept a lot with going to bed way earlier than normal. My only escape was work and sleep and my outings to my daughter's house to get away.

I would like to say I understand what was happening (I did) and was aware of what I was doing (I was) and that it was a choice by conscious decision to soothe myself any way I could (it was not). I would like to say that next time, I will do better (I can only hope). I was just out of control.

It was like the movie Ground Hog Day. Every single morning I woke up with good intentions but as soon as I left my room, it started. Every night I vowed tomorrow would be better. Nope didn't happen.

So, it is done, I can now focus on getting back on track and getting off the 10-15 lb. I believe I regained (too afraid to hit the scale, I'm being a sissy).

Day One, again, I'm gonna do it, I have not truly failed until I quit trying.



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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BEMUSED2
    It's been a long while since I stopped by. I hope you are doing well. emoticon
    1324 days ago
  • no profile photo INCH_BY_INCH
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1386 days ago
  • KENDRACARROLL
    I used to live in a place I was scared to come home to. Glad you made it through.
    Hope you can find your way back to owning your life. You've got this!
    1407 days ago
  • ANGIEN9
    Hang in there!!!
    1409 days ago
  • PACEKA1
    Wow, do I understand what you have just experienced. I can't say that I've had to cope with a house guest that I didn't exactly trust, but these past several weeks of my knee getting harder and harder to use has brought back a bit of the "I just don't care, I'll do whatever I want" attitude. It happens to all of us but you got through it and now you're back on track. Good for you!
    1409 days ago
  • OVERWORKEDJANET
    Honey, I feel your frustration. My past few weeks packed on 10 pounds. I ate stuff and amounts I never thought I would when everyone was in bed or not looking.
    I'm starting anew this week.
    Good luck and know you're not alone in so many ways.
    1410 days ago
  • LOVENHWOODS
    emoticon If I was there I would be giving you a huge hug...what a difficult time for you! Now, though, you are passed it, you have your safe place back and you have expressed your feelings exactly as you felt them! That is a great step moving forward and healing from that loss of control and security! You made it through...not like you wished you had, but you made it through! Your quote says it perfectly, “Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo”. I’d say that is an awesome manta that I will use from time to time!
    Thank you for opening yourself up to us...I certainly saw me in what you experienced, Pam!
    1411 days ago
  • DEBVNE
    Oh Pam, my heart hurts for you...I understand on so many levels. What matters most is what happens next. You know what you don't want, how it feels. After such a nightmarish time, only way to fly is to soar up, and onward. Let your spirit take flight, reset by taking care of you and feeling your self worth. You are oh so worth it, and waaaaaaaay stronger than you can begin to imagine at the moment.

    Hugs and prayers, chica...link your arm through mine...
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    1411 days ago
  • RAZZOOZLE
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    1412 days ago
  • SHAWFAN
    At least you made it through that "tunnel" and can say you made it. Time to reboot, restart, refresh. emoticon emoticon
    1412 days ago
  • SUTHRNWMN
    Now that you've made it through the ordeal, give yourself credit for making it through. That's a win in my book. Now calm down again and reboot your journey forward. emoticon my friend!
    1412 days ago
  • LDYHAZ
    I have been there. Food has been our soother for more years than NOT. So when things get rough we go for what we have gone to for most of our lives. That is the natrual thing to do. Now you can just "Do Over". Pam you can always "Do Over". That steep learning curve to becoming healthy is more like a hill. Sometimes we crawl up other times we slide down and land in the puddle. You've got this!
    1412 days ago
  • BLESSED2BEME
    No, you have not failed, you have learned. Learned that we have to figure out how to get through life's awful experiences while still working on us and its damn hard! I agree...we all need a safe place and when that safe place is compromised the journey is even harder.

    Glad you are back here. Glad you have your safe place again and glad you are not giving up!


    1412 days ago
  • KALIGIRL
    Here's to getting back on track!
    1412 days ago
  • KIMBALLITE
    Thank you for sharing, your story is my story and I can completely relate. Drama in my life sends me straight to the kitchen. The last few days I have found some better ways to care for myself and in doing so wake up more refreshed and energetic. That sugar hangover is no joke. Thank you again for sharing and I am sure you will right back on track in no time. Best to you emoticon
    1412 days ago
  • BBLUNDON
    lovely sentiments!
    1412 days ago
  • SRWYLIE
    Oh, Pam, that is no way to live. I'm sorry you had to go through that ordeal, and it sounds like none of it was by choice. I am grateful that it's over and that you can get back to being the awesome you that I know you are. Sending you lots of love and support.
    1412 days ago
  • CARBMONSTERII
    Sometimes there are things that we have to do (Like allowing a house guest, and I am pretty sure I know who yours was) because not doing it makes us someone we cannot accept being. But we know, even as we allow an intolerable situation, that it will be our undoing. Yes, you fell back on old habits, but in all fairness the emotional stress you were under made that really likely, and I bet, if you thought about it, you sort of knew it would happen. In a perverse way, it was a kind of bravery to allow this: "Yes, it may break me, yes it will hurt, yes, I will be afraid. But it is only for "X" days and will end on March 12. I will persevere for that time, I can survive because I must do this." The only thing I would offer besides praise for your self-knowledge and strength is to remind you that at some point, toxic people must not be allowed in your life. Even if you gave them birth. Your destruction will not ensure their healing, or survival, you will be nothing but "collateral damage" from their life. I know it sounds harsh, and I also know that no one can do this until they hve been forced to decide, deep down in their guts, in that tiny secret part that is only them, that they must do this, no matter how awful it sounds, no matter how they may be judged, by others or themselves, that this must happen because they cannot endure any more if it happens again. I know you will make the best decisions for you, and that no one else can know what those choices are. Know that you have friends supporting you, through all the awfulness (and the wonderfulness) that life tosses at you! emoticon
    1412 days ago
  • BEARWHISPERER
    It's time to stop taking this on. I understand to a degree why you did it since it's family, but you're not obligated, especially when it affect your health. Next time have them stay at a hotel and visit in small segments - in public places if you want to visit.

    Your health and your home are yours and you shouldn't have to compromise for someone else.

    As far as your eating, you can get back on track now - don't let it get to you.

    emoticon
    1412 days ago
  • ONEKIDSMOM
    To offer a beacon of hope: this is a phenomenon I observed in my life over the years... I see hope in these words: "I understand what was happening (I did) and was aware of what I was doing (I was) and that it was a choice by conscious decision to soothe myself "

    This was an experience of LEARNING... learning that old ways of coping no longer work. It doesn't mean you'll NEVER have such an experience again (I mean lapsing into old ways of coping)... BUT... each time we refresh that lesson that this doesn't work for us any more... we are one step closer to recovery.

    Yep, emoticon , you can do this. And you're worth doing it for. Credit for every positive step. emoticon Oh, and emoticon you survived this very challenging time in your life! Now, Chaos be gone! Draw your line in the sand, and take your life back.
    1412 days ago
  • no profile photo CD924924
    I can totally relate. I have a situation coming up that will put me in a similar back-against-the-wall place. I'm trying visualization in advance of how I will cope. Glad you are ready to look it in the face and get back on track.

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    1412 days ago
  • ALICIA363
    emoticon
    Thank you for holding up the mirror - I relate to the morning hope and good intentions evaporating.
    I must remember to at least try to cope.
    Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.
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    Let's make ourselves proud today.
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    1412 days ago
  • BUTTONPOPPER1
    The good thing about misery is that it makes joy so much more powerful. Doesn't it bring you intense joy to have your house back all to yourself again? That deep delight can be considered at least a slight reward for what you've been through. You fulfilled your obligation, you self-sacrificed to do so, and now you are at the farthest point away from when you have to do it again, which judging from your description of the past few weeks, I have to say I hope is never.

    Welcome back, Pam! Where there's life, there's hope, and here we all are--still!
    emoticon
    1412 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/15/2017 4:22:37 AM
  • DJ4HEALTH
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1412 days ago
  • SERENASEA
    Reading this, I could just sense how you felt you were held hostage in your own home, how you wanted to hide under the covers and not come out, how your safe haven was violated, and how the only thing to soothe the helplessness was ice cream. Yes, we have learned the coping and self-care skills, but even knowing we are hurting ourselves in this type of overwhelming situation doesn't always mean we are capable of using those skills. You are safe again, you can breathe again, and it's time to reclaim your calm.
    1413 days ago
  • UNICORN212
    Now you have learned what needs to be done - next time, get any unwanted guests a hotel room. They can pay their own bill and they won't have a key to your sanctuary.

    But now, you need to regroup and get back on track. Do it just to spite that unwanted guest!
    1413 days ago
  • MARINGAL
    One word ringing in my head while reading your blog...."WHY?" One last thing in the world is to feel unsafe in your sanctuary, your humble abode. And by a houseguest of all things? Pam, why did you put up with that one minute too long....or should I say a second too long. No one should ever feel safe if you can change that and you could of put your foot down and said "out!" But I guess I only know 1/4th the whole picture so I should keep my opinions just that, to myself.
    I am so sorry you suffered. And you are left with unwanted pounds for that reason. Not fair my friend.
    Please take care of yourself for now. And that means doing what YOU feel would benefit yourself, NOT what you think others should make you feel you need to do. This is YOUR life, not theirs. This is YOUR home, right? Okay, allow your home become your sanctuary again....
    1413 days ago
  • BLUEJAY1969
    I had the very same situation... well I wasn't worried about stealing or anything .. but they were family and ended up being here for a year. I coped for a while and then boom.... I went out of control. Just like you said. I know you did what you could do to deal at the time. You're going to recover and come back stronger than ever!
    emoticon
    1413 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
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    1413 days ago
  • no profile photo CD17528039

    Hugs to you, honey. You were doing the best you could at the time.
    1413 days ago
  • TERMITEMOM
    Turn the page and move on! emoticon
    1413 days ago
  • JACKIEWALKS4FUN
    I know how you feel, and I am so glad that the stressful situation that you were going through is over. Yep get moving again, so very true you have not failed unless you stop trying. Keep moving forward Pam. emoticon emoticon
    1413 days ago
  • MORTICIAADDAMS
    I'm so glad that the stressful period is over and that you can get back to a normal life.
    1413 days ago
  • PENOWOK
    Ugh! I am so sorry... that sounds like a nightmare gone worse. I'm so glad it's over. Today is a new day and you know what to do. That's more than half of it!
    1413 days ago
  • no profile photo CD17462428
    Wow. Bold, forthright, and courageous words are in your blog. So glad that you're getting back to you and your goals. My hope for you is that you forgive yourself and continue to put yourself in a place of honor. You deserve it.

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    1413 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
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    1413 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    So sorry to hear of this very tough time. I am glad it is over and you can start over. Stay strong. The bumps are sometimes bigger than us. Keep on keeping on.
    1413 days ago
  • LOSEDAPOUNDS
    emoticon
    Great quote! House guests can be tough, especially if you didn't want them to come in the first place. Those are usually the boundary stomping unappreciative guests who you feel like you have to host. I'm glad your guest is gone and you can get things back in order. Be kind to yourself and take care.
    1413 days ago
  • TWISSY1
    Life gets in the way sometimes and yes like any addiction one is trying to cope with or get control over we will stumble and fall of the proverbial ladder. Put this episode behind you and step on that first rung and try try again! You got this!!
    1413 days ago
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