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On the bad days . . .

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Tough winter. Read my last entry and that was right before the stress wheels came off. It took me 8 months to lose 32 pounds and three months to gain 27 of it back. /sigh/

But now, after two months back on it, I've lost 12 of it again. It's just sickening to think it'll be May before I get to where I was back on the first of October. What a waste of time.

If there's any good side to this, I really do feel as though I'm eating the way I intend to eat forever, so now it's just a matter of time. Slow, slow, slow, slow time. But in the right direction, at least.

This morning I saw a photo of me in my hometown paper. We're trying to get people to sign up for farm shares and so I talked to the paper, and they did a story, which was very nice (it would have been nicer if they'd not spelled the farm name three different ways). But this huge photo of me is, well, huge. I look like a composted whale. Splashed there across the front page of the paper, all over the valley. It's so humiliating. I'm not vain enough to expect a flattering picture. But geezacriminently.

But there's nothing to do about it. It is what it is. I can't live in a hole and not leave the house until Christmas when maybe I won't be ashamed of how I look.

Sometimes you don't realize how bad it is until you have to look at it. The irony is, this morning I was thinking I could finally see a difference again, I am making progress and looked okay-ish. And I am. But I have a long way to go.

I try to tell myself that this is my last year of obesity. I'm at 215 now. Sometime in early fall of this year I'll get below 185 and into the "overweight" level. Maybe by the end of the year I might even broach 155 and get to into the "normal" range. Maybe it'll take longer than that, I don't know.

I do know I have no intention of giving up. I'm 54 years old and I absolutely refuse to spend the rest of my life feeling self conscious. I'm done. I hate it. And I'm not going to do it anymore. So, several more months of this, and then it's over. Finis. Finito-benito. The end. I don't care about scale number, either. I'll know it when I see it.

And whenever I need to kill my appetite, I'll just get out the newspaper . . .


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • STRONGDAWG
    Oh man. That's rough. My picture gets published enough with my job, that I've had more of those moments than I'd like. There is a photo in the conference room at work of our ribbon cutting from when we moved to our current location. It was taken 3 years ago and I had already lost weight from my heaviest point. One of my staff looked at that picture a few weeks ago and said to me, "You are half that size now." She exaggerated, but the point was still made. The intervening 3 years from that picture to that comment were filled with set backs, regaining weight, losing it again. But I do know that the old days of not caring, eating and drinking whatever I want, and getting very little exercise are over. I have finally changed enough to know that I will never go back to that.

    You've lost the weight before. You will do it again. You might want to hang around with the Sparkers who follow Judith Beck. Beck preaches cognitive behavior therapy for weight loss and it is very effective. It's helped me a lot.
    1073 days ago
  • DJ4HEALTH
    Yes reading all that bad news will kill anyone's appetite. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1076 days ago
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    1077 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/8/2017 4:13:36 PM
  • KRISKECK
    You can do this! I can hear the determination in your voice. Stay strong and be proud of yourself. Give yourself credit for each thing you do that moves you toward your goal. You can do this!
    1077 days ago
  • BARONESSBAKER
    Way to go, with getting back on the wagon, so to speak. No truer words have been spoken. Thank you for posting.
    1077 days ago
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