Oh my, this one just jumped out at me today. Must be because I spent time with my youngest son, the brain-damaged, bi-polar, substance abuser one. He got a 60 day notice on January 17th and did not tell me. How can you help someone that refuses to cooperate, whose reality is so different from my own, yet, according to him, I am wrong most of the time. Yes, they have medicine for that. No, he will not take it. He "doesn't need it", he says. He breaks my heart, makes me mad and makes me sad all at the same time. I've been waiting for the eviction to commence since last September and they waited until his lease expired in January. I am so afraid he will end up back on the street, trying to kill himself.
Other craziness hubby and I have hanging over our heads is my step-son who has a history of lying, theft (yes, from us) drug use, and generally extreme depression and bi-polar who also won't medicate, was hit by a car, and broke both legs. One was shattered and had to be re-constructed. He lives 8 hours away from us and that has worked out quite nicely for us due to his behavior. Love him, I really do. Like him? Not much most of the time. He has asked if he can come here to 3-4 weeks to recuperate (he is in a wheel chair). Uh.....hm.....we are so torn. We DON'T want him here but don't feel like we seriously have a choice. Been there. done that, ended very, very badly. seriously badly, not speak for 3 years badly.
No wonder I am not sleeping and am stress eating. I keep cycling through, do well for 7-10 days, feel good, joints feel good, feel like I'm calming down and putting things in their proper perspective. Then, BAM, off the wagon with a running start.
Today I was struggling, again, and mind is racing, it JUST WON'T SHUT OFF. And then? I thought, wow, the only way I'm going to sort this out is putting it out there in a blog. Writing (typing) is so much more effective for me than trying to talk it out with someone. I don't need to talk it out to get someone else's perspective. I need to talk it out to get back MY perspective.
This image, I will breathe, I just printed out to put on my fridge, perhaps on my desk, in my car, on my mirror, I seriously need to read it several times a day right now.
I feel pulled in so many directions. I am remembering my therapy plan a few years back that probably saved my sanity, my job and perhaps my marriage.
Self care and acceptance. Say it again Pam. Self care and acceptance.
Acceptance is probably the harder of the two. Is there a time that we do not feel crushed by drama and trauma concerning our children? Not in my experience I remember once in a family group years ago, the facilitator said, you must detach. You can detach with anger, or you can detach with love, but you must detach to save yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love your child.
Detach, what does that mean in respect to my kids? It means, they are my monkeys, but it is not my circus. It means that they are grown men, they have made choices and are now suffering consequences for those choices. It means I cannot and should not try to shield them from consequences of their own behavior. It means limiting my exposure and when the contact is bad, disrespectful, accusing, them feeling sorry for themselves, DO NOT ENGAGE. Deep breathe and walk away. These are things I learned.
Self care. That in itself is so much easier because it is under my control. Isn't it? Okay so maybe it is the harder one because I so often backslide into putting myself last. When I'm short on time and energy, it's me that gets screwed. Always me. Combine that with whining and I give myself permission to do whatever I think I want at that moment, eat, not exercise, sit on my butt and be angry because life is not fair.
I know very well what I need to do, and I know very well it benefits me and every one around me when I take care of me, meaning making myself a priority by eating right, exercising, sleeping. Pretty basic, but I need to start there to circle around to lifting myself up emotionally.
I can do this, and as many times as it takes, I will do this. Every single step back teaches me something, helps me to move forward and keep moving forward.
No worries. I got this.
RANDOM THOUGHT: One good thing is today, after dropping off my son, instead of eating junk (hubby has a bunch in the house right now, and I know where he stashes it), I leashed up the girls (4 legged), and we went for a drive and to visit my daughter. Good start, Pam. It's a step in the right direction.