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"One person's craziness is another person's reality"

Sunday, February 05, 2017

Oh my, this one just jumped out at me today. Must be because I spent time with my youngest son, the brain-damaged, bi-polar, substance abuser one. He got a 60 day notice on January 17th and did not tell me. How can you help someone that refuses to cooperate, whose reality is so different from my own, yet, according to him, I am wrong most of the time. Yes, they have medicine for that. No, he will not take it. He "doesn't need it", he says. He breaks my heart, makes me mad and makes me sad all at the same time. I've been waiting for the eviction to commence since last September and they waited until his lease expired in January. I am so afraid he will end up back on the street, trying to kill himself.

Other craziness hubby and I have hanging over our heads is my step-son who has a history of lying, theft (yes, from us) drug use, and generally extreme depression and bi-polar who also won't medicate, was hit by a car, and broke both legs. One was shattered and had to be re-constructed. He lives 8 hours away from us and that has worked out quite nicely for us due to his behavior. Love him, I really do. Like him? Not much most of the time. He has asked if he can come here to 3-4 weeks to recuperate (he is in a wheel chair). Uh.....hm.....we are so torn. We DON'T want him here but don't feel like we seriously have a choice. Been there. done that, ended very, very badly. seriously badly, not speak for 3 years badly.

No wonder I am not sleeping and am stress eating. I keep cycling through, do well for 7-10 days, feel good, joints feel good, feel like I'm calming down and putting things in their proper perspective. Then, BAM, off the wagon with a running start.

Today I was struggling, again, and mind is racing, it JUST WON'T SHUT OFF. And then? I thought, wow, the only way I'm going to sort this out is putting it out there in a blog. Writing (typing) is so much more effective for me than trying to talk it out with someone. I don't need to talk it out to get someone else's perspective. I need to talk it out to get back MY perspective.

This image, I will breathe, I just printed out to put on my fridge, perhaps on my desk, in my car, on my mirror, I seriously need to read it several times a day right now.

I feel pulled in so many directions. I am remembering my therapy plan a few years back that probably saved my sanity, my job and perhaps my marriage.

Self care and acceptance. Say it again Pam. Self care and acceptance.

Acceptance is probably the harder of the two. Is there a time that we do not feel crushed by drama and trauma concerning our children? Not in my experience I remember once in a family group years ago, the facilitator said, you must detach. You can detach with anger, or you can detach with love, but you must detach to save yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love your child.

Detach, what does that mean in respect to my kids? It means, they are my monkeys, but it is not my circus. It means that they are grown men, they have made choices and are now suffering consequences for those choices. It means I cannot and should not try to shield them from consequences of their own behavior. It means limiting my exposure and when the contact is bad, disrespectful, accusing, them feeling sorry for themselves, DO NOT ENGAGE. Deep breathe and walk away. These are things I learned.

Self care. That in itself is so much easier because it is under my control. Isn't it? Okay so maybe it is the harder one because I so often backslide into putting myself last. When I'm short on time and energy, it's me that gets screwed. Always me. Combine that with whining and I give myself permission to do whatever I think I want at that moment, eat, not exercise, sit on my butt and be angry because life is not fair.

I know very well what I need to do, and I know very well it benefits me and every one around me when I take care of me, meaning making myself a priority by eating right, exercising, sleeping. Pretty basic, but I need to start there to circle around to lifting myself up emotionally.

I can do this, and as many times as it takes, I will do this. Every single step back teaches me something, helps me to move forward and keep moving forward.

No worries. I got this.

RANDOM THOUGHT: One good thing is today, after dropping off my son, instead of eating junk (hubby has a bunch in the house right now, and I know where he stashes it), I leashed up the girls (4 legged), and we went for a drive and to visit my daughter. Good start, Pam. It's a step in the right direction.
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    I just saw your blog. I don't know how I missed it. I hope you have helped your step son to find the proper facility to recuperate in. You can be supportive to him and visit him there. A facility also may provide an atmosphere where he will be more inclined to take his medication.

    Whatever you have decided, hugs and prayers. emoticon
    1427 days ago
  • ALICIA363
    Keep breathing!
    You're beautiful! (in case you forgot again)
    emoticon emoticon
    1432 days ago
    One day at a time is my motto. I have a schizophrenic son with several other mental and physical disorders. Fortunately he takes his medication and is under treatment and learning to manage the disease.. You are making the right choice to take care of yourself first. I wouldn't let the son back in the house after he has stolen from me. I would however find him a facility to recuperate in close and support him in his recovery. Stay strong.... you are a bad-ass. emoticon
    1444 days ago
    Pam, I am bipolar and I worry about being g a burden to my siblings and neices and nephews. It is hard. I will keep u in my thoughts and prayers.
    1445 days ago
    Lots of people out there who know what you're going through. Sons, stepsons, they're grown men and will need to suffer the consequences of their actions. Trying to rescue them will only hurt you more. You know that. Across town or 8 hours away, don't let drama, destruction, and evil enter your home.
    Hugs Pam!
    1445 days ago
    Hang in there Pam...I know your pain only too well as we've discussed in the past. I'm so thankful you have a safe place to blog and journal about it and gain your own perspective again. You've got this!!!!

    1445 days ago
    I recently took a walk with my dearest friend, and she too poured her heart out about her adult son who is "strung" out on drugs. He lives in Europe with his Father and the Father calls my friend at least every other night not knowing what to do. She replies, "tough love/detach." Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement of the person or situation. Detachment will allow you to let go and live your life with rights. You can always love your son without liking the behavior. Pam, I know I have mentioned this before but Alanon will save your A*S! You will find people there that are living in the similar situation you are and have found support and wisdom at these meetings. Please consider this option. Otherwise you will always succumb to his toxic behavior and will only destroy you more and more. Best of luck and hugs, fredie
    1445 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/6/2017 5:25:23 PM
    I have read a lot of silly rah rah blogs today but this one really has substance. While most people are worried about how many spark points they can get you have some real problems to deal with and difficult decisions to make. My husband's brother is like your difficult family members and he is mentally ill and won't take his meds and makes bad choices, almost always. He is a total frightening mess and he just got out of prison again. His attorney notified us and they are arranging for him to have another physical and legal guardian. We have chosen not to help him. It isn't because we don't care. We do and it breaks my heart to know that my husband has to go through this as we realize his brother could end up dead at any time. It was a difficult decision for us but when we bail him out he doesn't have to pay the consequences of his actions and we are the ones who end up punished, every time. We don't want to be enablers. We don't personally want to be in danger either. To have to deal with drug addicts and prostitutes and thieves and murderers. We are smart enough to realize we can't change him and don't want to destroy ourselves trying. I don't know what your decision will be but you have my prayers and I wish you the best. I wish I had a magic want and could make this all go away for you. From personal experience, I know you have suffered enough. emoticon
    1445 days ago
    Pam, I am so sorry you are back on the roller coaster...Thinking of you.
    1445 days ago
    emoticon and emoticon
    1445 days ago
    My heart aches for you as you go through these struggles with your children. I admire your strength...and your honesty, Pam.
    You can do this...I have no doubt! emoticon

    1445 days ago
    I'm sending you hugs and lots of prayer as you work on how to cope with this latest situation Pam. I truly feel for you but know you will make the choice that is right for you and your hubby.
    1445 days ago
    I understand what you mean - my HEAD knows about detaching, but my HEART has a hard time with follow-thru! Letting your grown children own their mistakes can be hard, especially when you're afraid of what it will cost them. Will keep you and your family in my prayers -
    1445 days ago
    oh poor u ... being a parent is so hard sometimes


    1445 days ago
    Just getting to know you here through your blogs, I feel that you will be able to handle all of this. It does not sound like a fun, pleasant or easy thing to do, handling these two boys. You can do, I know you can!
    1445 days ago
  • BLUEJAY1969
    My heart is wrung out for you as I know the choices your sons make is damaging to the family dynamic. My brothers were into drugs and lying and Lord knows what else. I saw my parents take them in time and again only to be stressed out and hurt by them again and again. I have zero relationship with any of them now. You are doing so good to be able to think clearly with all this stress weighing on your shoulders. I know God helps us carry what he gives us but sometimes it still feels unmanageable! I will be praying for you!
    1445 days ago
  • KMAD26
    I am so sorry for your struggle. I know it is real and difficult but I sure do believe you are doing the right thing. I have a bi-polar nephew that my father has taken "care of" since he was in his teens and he is now 40! and a niece that is 25 that my sister is doing the same thing for. Neither of them work and have never had consequences for their actions. Nobody benefits from the enabling! Keep breathing and being a bad ass! You got this!
    1445 days ago
    Pam my heart hurts for you because I totally understand where your heart is. I've never knew the meaning behind 'not my circus' before but I understand. I watched my mom jump in so many times and it made life worse not better in the long run! emoticon my dear friend!
    1445 days ago
    Definitely a step in the right direction!
    Add more of those steps and you'll get there. emoticon
    1445 days ago
    Your random thought share described an excellent strategy Pam - emoticon
    1446 days ago
    Pam, you are NOT alone. Writing (typing) it out is a good way to rid yourself of the oppressive feelings of guilt and such. That's not good for any of us. Believe me, I totally understand. Have the same issues in a lot of ways as you.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you, sweetheart. Take care of you first and foremost. emoticon
    1446 days ago
    I really and Honestly have thought of you as a "Bad Ass"! Worry, Fuss and Fret. I do those well in regards to our children. I just refuse to let them into my home any more. This is MY safe zone. I also really understand Loving them but not always liking them. I have had moments where I will look at them and ask myself.. "If I wanted a new friend would I search out her (daughters)" Many times I had to honestly say NO. That was hard for me to admit but it was true. That last time my daughter came through with the grandchildren. The Rescue MOM wanted them all to move in. The adult thinking woman KNEW that would be the wrong choice and make us all miserable in the end. She needed to find her own solutions and I had to stop trying to FIX her. We had months were we hardly spoke. Year later we have very nice phone conversations. She now calls "Just to talk". She is growing into a woman I would want as a friend. Guess God knew what the real plan was all along :) Keep writing Pam! Your blog really does help others (helps yourself too) it has helped ME. BIG Hug!
    1446 days ago
    Girl, I have tried to post a few things, and I just feel like they're all the wrong thing to say. So I'm just going to say, I'm thinking of you.
    1446 days ago
    Oh chica, you are one bad ass...for sure! Some things cannot be said out loud, I understand the mojo that comes from gathering your thoughts...and thinking them through as you write. Oh your boys, love them to pieces, you do not have to like them or their behavior, or their choices. Too many times we brought the circus into our home for it came with our monkeys. The last time I decided that home is my sanctuary, there has to be peace there. No more monkeys jumping on the bed...

    I offer your strengthening thoughts, hugs, and prayers as you find your way in this. Good thing you are a bad ass...celebrate this by respecting what it takes to find you in the midst of the crazies!
    1446 days ago
    Have you spoken to a counselor for yourself, Pam? It sounds as if you need someone to give you permission to say no to these men who seem to want to wrap you around their little fingers. You shouldn't be having it. Stepson should be at a rehab center where there are trained professionals to help him recover (hopefully in more ways than one). If your youngest son ends up on the street again, will he learn any lessons? Or will he just blame the world for his problems, which are his own doing? You don't need to fix them. You can love them, be sad for them, worry about them, but don't take their problems on as your own. Please take care of yourself first. Big hugs.
    1446 days ago
    OH my goodness, Pam. Just wrapping you in comforting prayer. NO advice, as you state in your blog, you KNOW what to do. So just know you're thought of, you have support here and continue blogging it out. That is healthy.
    1446 days ago
    It helps me to write it out too. It's very hard to walk away but I did it with love and it's worked out better for me. Sure my heart aches but I've got to care for myself and I won't live well if I carry my kid's burden.
    You can do this!

    1446 days ago
    Hugs to you. I feel for your situation. Watching people make bad choices is really hard and having 5 kids (1 of my own and 4 steps) I have felt like you at times. "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is also a mantra of mine although sometimes you have to be more involved than you would like. Sounds like your hubby is good support too so that helps.
    1446 days ago
    The hardest thing is to see and accept your kids as people. And accept that they are not the people you wanted them to be, or even people that, if they weren't related to you you would even spend time with them. But, just like you have to take care of yourself, now that they are "of age" they have to take care of themselves. It sounds heartless, I know, but you cannot change who anyone is or how they act, no matter how much you love them, not even if you gave birth to them. I wish I had magic words to make it not so awful for you. emoticon
    1446 days ago
    I'd be calling a counselor to get some coping strategies. You have more than your hands full, Pam. I pray that writing it out helps. I'm glad you know the way to helping Pam!
    1446 days ago
    emoticon I'd been thinking about you... thoughts and prayers as you work through your life issues with your kids!
    1446 days ago
    I am so very sorry.... I can only begin to imagine the conflicting thoughts....... you must take care of yourself first. I remember saying the serenity prayer over and over in my mind most of the day when there were things to painful for me to deal with. Hugs to you and praying that God will guide you.
    1446 days ago
  • no profile photo CD924924
    Thank you for sharing. Best of luck staying true to yourself and taking care of yourself.

    1446 days ago
    Hang in there Pam. This isn't a sprint so you need to continue to take it day by day - or hour by hour if that works better. You can't control them so the only hope you have it to control yourself. Be good to yourself.
    1446 days ago
    I'm so sorry for he mental pain of your sons, and for the stress it causes to you and the entire family.
    You made great insights in this blog, and I'm sure this will help you be loving, supportive and compassionate, but you can stay calmer and think clearer thanks to your equanimity.
    Take good care of yourself, stay strong!
    Your son and step-son are lucky to have you, even if they don't realize it.
    1446 days ago
    "I know very well what I need to do, and I know very well it benefits me and every one around me when I take care of me, meaning making myself a priority by eating right, exercising, sleeping."

    Yes. You do know. Take care of yourself! My thoughts are with you.

    1446 days ago
    emoticon my thoughts are with you and yours.....Keep finding your inner strength.
    And I will be remembering your words when I next interact with the (somewhat) dysfunctional children in our extended family:

    Acceptance is probably the harder of the two. Is there a time that we do not feel crushed by drama and trauma concerning our children?
    1446 days ago
    I ache for you and what you're going through, but can sense that you are stronger than anyone can see.... you can do this.... you CAN!
    1446 days ago
  • JAMER123
    You are telling the story of many that can't or won't share their pain and stress. Many hugs to you and may your days become less painful for you. You know that you need to care for you and you are working through that very well. Thank you for sharing and I hope this helps you. God bless!! Take it one minute at a time can be your mantra instead of one day at a time.
    1446 days ago
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