It's been awhile since I posted here. I am sort of in a holding pattern with life lately and have had a lot of life stress going on.
But a catch up on health issues:
I am soon to be 17 months out from surgery. I am below my Dr.'s goal- and not quite at "my goal", but close. I have been battling with this for a few months now and while I have lost a few more pounds- I have decided that my body is just comfortable here. It is okay. I have spent my entire adult life not being okay in my own skin- and not being happy with who I was because of a number on a scale.
As the new year comes I am ready to let that go. I am not a number or a size and I never was. One thing that the gift of surgery gave me was my health back. I am thankful for that. The one thing it didn't change was ME. I am still- me. I still have the same emotional struggles and still 'see' myself as not 'enough'. Surgery didn't fix all that. I still want to reach for food for comfort or boredom or to just give myself something that is mine- surgery didn't fix that either.
While I am forever grateful for the physical changes in my life- and there are may of those- I am still working on just being okay being who I am right now. It's time for me to turn a page in my mind and stop living a life where I never measure up to who I think I should be- or what I should look like.
I am. And that is enough for today. It was always enough- I just didn't know it.
I remember when I was younger- I truly believed being 'thin' would fix everything. That I would be more lovable- happier- just 'more'. I've wasted most of my adult life feeling like I was less than because of the size I was. When I was always enough- I was always lovable because I loved and was loved- I always had the ability to be happy.
So 2017 for me will be about gratitude and living-
I will be grateful every day for my health and the body that carries me through this life. I will try my best to fuel this body with healthy foods and to give it exercise and movement.
I will be grateful for those who love me- and those I love. I will love by my actions and not my words- I will work to reach out to those who are in need if I can be there for them. I will pay it forward- I will give back that which has been freely given to me.
I will be grateful for my home- my job- I will not take for granted that I am warm and safe. I will be thankful to those who serve our country in so many ways- every day- to provide us with the safety and care we need.
I will be grateful that I am strong- that my spirit has not been broken- that I have survived some rough storms and always come out on the other side breathing, if broken. I will let that strength sustain me when I am in rough waters.
I am ready. I am enough.