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Hurricane Matthew

Thursday, October 06, 2016

I caan admit here things I can't say out loud. For so many years as a single parent I had to present as calm and assured when that was not the case. I schooled myself not to cry or appear panicked because I did't want my girls to worry. Most people think I am stronger than I am, I am calmer than I really am and that I am brave. The facts are that I am always afraid of something, I practice just breathing daily to make it through anything from bad weather to passing a ruck on the road. Now that my girls are grown, I am always fighting tears. Today I am terrified. I am in my house with shutters on but I don't feel safe. I can't go anyplace because o the dogs. I have watched the same episode of a stupid relatity show going on four times. I can't focus on anything for long periods of time I can't watch regular stations because the news commentators are just intensifying my feelings of panic.

As friends call to express support and give advice I become more depressed. The only light moment in all of this is the fact that I am roasting vegetables--I don't have cake mix or any of that. I do have some cookies and cashews. I can't even eat myself into calm at this point--just eating. I have rum and hard cider but I keep thinking that I need to be able to respond to whatever so being out of it due to alcohol doesn't seem smart. I'll probably drink when this is over.

For today, I am not concerned withthe scale. I am fat and alive and I would trade the promise of weight loss to stay fat and alive. Events of this type help you rapidly sort and prioritize concerns in your life. The dogs seem to have settled down a bit and we're expecting the first bands of wind and rain in about an hour. Once it starts it will continue through Friday with the worst being 2:00 am--night storms are more terrifying than day storms, probably goes back to neanderthal times.

May be back to post again. I need to do whatever I can to prevent a major melt down,
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm watching the news of the storms as I'm reading your blog and I'm thinking of you.

    I too have fought fear over everything and tried to present a calm demeanor to my kids. Looking back now that they are adults, I don't think I was able to fool them much!

    Cuddle with you dogs and know that there are people out here thinking about you and looking forward to updates from you!

    1208 days ago
  • MUSTANG0421
    It is 2:00 and we are getting increasing wind and bands of rain. Nothing that I can't handle yet. The dogs are passive so that is a good sign. Family ad friends have been calling in and sending prayers. I thank all of my Spark friends, especially the Bronze Wellness Warriors for the prayers and support.
    1208 days ago
    Thinking about you Cassie. I too feel it is good that you are speaking of your fears. You are in my prayers emoticon
    1208 days ago
    Wishing you well, Cassie. Admitting your fear makes you smart in my book, and hopefully cautious.
    1208 days ago
    You are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon
    1208 days ago
    Praying for calmness for you and that the worst will pass without any problems. Hugs
    1209 days ago
  • RKT1965
    Hang in there! It's scary to do this stuff alone but you can do hard stuff. You raised kids by yourself and I know from experience how hard that is. You're right on the alcohol, you need your wits if there is an emergency. Big (((hugs)))
    1209 days ago
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