What is that? That's the face of a girl who reached the goal that's been haunting her all of her adult life.
I still remember the day I first saw 300 on a scale. I was finishing out my senior year of high school and in my second trimester with my first son. I went in for a regular check-up with my OBGYN and all I could think when I saw that big fat 3 was, "Well, here we are..." I had spent much of my teens in the high 200s. I fought it, but I also rebelled a really crappy life and insecurities that would drown a horse. Being pregnant and a "failure" by all of my family's estimations just didn't help issues. I gave in. I stopped trying to fight it and I accepted my future as a failure.
I stayed in that horrible place for years. And the weight kept coming.
In 2002, I had my second son. I can't tell you what weight I was then, but I'm pretty sure I had topped over 400 pounds by then. I was barely surviving at that point and I fell into a deep bought of PPD when my second son was born, which caused me to isolate and neglect all but him.
It wasn't until about 2005. I had just been rejected (basically) for weight loss surgery the first time around. (My husband's employer dropped coverage just as my paperwork was being submitted for pre-certification approval.) I was standing on a beach at sunrise with my oldest son chasing waves and birds. Actually, I wasn't standing very long. Soon I was sitting on the steps from the wooden ramp over the dunes. Walking on the sand really was a challenge at that point...and I was beyond depressed and unsure where my life would take me.
You know how they say some people hit rock bottom and it causes them to turn things around? Well, that must have been mine. I don't know if it was this massive loss of what I felt was my last hope or what, but suddenly my mindset changed. I no longer accepted the idea that I "couldn't" and I started to think, "Well, what if I try?"
I was going to give it my best go. I was going to try. And, in my rebellious and still young mind, at least then no one could say it was from LACK OF TRYING. At least then it wouldn't be "my fault" if I stayed big or even if I died.
Many of you know me from my first go 'round here on Spark. I had already lost a bunch of weight on my own (about 80 pounds)...and then moved to a new state and my world changed and I let things go a bit...and gained back a lot of that weight. So I had to reset myself. And reset I did!
I was a force to be reckoned with! I knew what I could do on my own - just imagine what I could do with support! I built a team of great people behind me and I took off on a journey to end this cycle once and for all.
I pushed! And I pushed! And I made it all the way from my highest weight of 466.6 pounds all the way down to 300.6 pounds. And I stalled like you would not believe!
If you go back through my blogs you'll see the frustration as it built. For 8 months I stayed solidly between 300 and 306 pounds, up and down like the worst yo-yo game ever! And suddenly I was pushing harder than I should and I was killing my body to break that barrier. And I broke.
This is the sad part of that story where I fight for 3 years not to sink back into old habits but injuries and lack of energy and chronic pain cause me to lose hope again.
And by January of 2015, I was at 460.6 pounds again. And completely lost.
People can say what they want about weight loss surgery patients. They can say it's the "easy way out" or that people like me just "can't" on our own. But I know that's not true. I fought the good fight and I lost. And it wasn't because I was lazy! It was because I NEEDED HELP!
November 2, 2015, I finally got my surgery. And it hasn't been easy. It's been hard as hell to retrain my new stomach and my new body. And it took a lot of adjusting and a lot of heartfelt moments to talk myself down from regret and despair.
For the past few weeks I've been in my 300-306 danger zone. I have fought and cried and had moments of self-sabotage. My friends are all probably completely sick of hearing me talk about how much I wanted 299.9. Every day for a week it's been my FB status. Every day for a week my challenge group and band moms and planner girls and anyone who will listen have had to hear me talk about that elusive 200s goal for me.
And then this morning...actually last night to be exact...I stepped on the scale and she spoke those magic words to me (yes, my scale talks...I was too big to see the number well at first so I needed to hear it)...
"Body weight - 299.4 pounds"
It was the only time I was HAPPY she repeats the dang number twice! *lol*
I did it! I broke the 300s! And I'm NOT looking back!
So, how did I do it? Is the secret weight loss surgery and that's it? NOPE!
I'm the same me as the girl who tried to break it before. I didn't give up my goals and my knowledge of diet and exercise I learned in all those months of trying before. I ate right. I gave myself a cheat day (or two, actually), I worked out and I rested as needed. And I kept checking in with my support group so they could talk me down from my "can't"s...because support is one of the most important parts of this entire journey! So if you're here on Spark hiding your journey -- DON'T! It NEEDS to be shared! For YOU and for US!
Create your team - your tribe - your motivation Sparklers! Gather them around you and let them hold your hand through the hard parts and then help bring them through theirs.
Because my secret to how I finally broke that number was not letting go of HOPE that it would happen!