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help me if you can

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Seems like this is my time to get uncomfortable. I guess I'm not like everyone else who freaks out at New Years or "beach season". I guess it's the middle of summer when I get to feeling like hey, maybe I'm not comfortable in this skin. Last year I think I blipped into existence here for a couple weeks in June. Looking back I realize that was kind of my attempt to keep my momentum going. I had lost some pounds and went on to lose some more pounds. I went down to like 215 by the end of summer last year but alas, I found many of those pounds again. I'm back up to a fluctuating 230. Which is not horrible. I was 276 before I got pregnant. hit 300 pounds during pregnancy. But part of the problem is that I'm reasonably okay with 230. Do I complain about my clothes not fitting or wishing my thighs were smaller? Yup. But apparently not enough to do much about it beyond complain. I have so much of the know-how and so little of the just-do-it. My husband started going to the gym in June and he goes 5 days a week. He just puts his mind to it and goes. I guess it's really that simple but I cannot fathom being that consistent about anything. Except maybe eating. I'm good at that. And if I'm being honest, hanging out on the couch. It's such a comfy,cozy couch. But I digress. My child is pretending to nap and I only have so much time to empty my thoughts here. (And by pretending to nap I mean I am pretending she is napping while she bangs things around her room.)

I suppose all this is to say that I have a desire to be healthier. I have a desire to be part of this community and to be active and healthy. But I also have a desire to be lazy and eat crappy delicious food. Looking back on my old pics on this site was depressing. I have so far to go to even get to the place where I was "starting over". And I feel almost no motivation to work that hard. Which is all craziness because it wasn't that hard. It was just about consistent good choices.

I feel like I'm defeating myself before I even try. And I know I'm the only one who has the power to change anything in me. Has anyone been in this spot before? 6 years ago I was fit, active, healthy and pretty happy - tho I realize that l had very skewed body image and goals. Part of me wants to start over here at spark and create a new account so I'll have a fresh start. The other part wants to honor where I've been and the relationships here which have mattered a great deal to me. I dunno. Feeling a little (lot) lost here. Any and all feedback welcomed. Thanks!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • IXFALLX2XPIECES
    *the rest will follow.
    1678 days ago
  • IXFALLX2XPIECES
    I've been where you are. It's a war in your head and constant negativity. So yourself a huge favor and quit bashing yourself. Focus on the present. Take each day as it comes. Each meal is a chance to do the healthy thing and eat well. Love yourself..
    1678 days ago
  • MADDEELOU
    My comments are weird because I ran out of characters and it got split in two. Sorry. 😀
    1678 days ago
  • MADDEELOU
    Things the spark way with small changes instead of trying to be perfect all at once. I know we can do this.
    1678 days ago
  • MADDEELOU
    Becky, I am happy to see you back. I completely understand everything you I wrote. I have also been struggling to get myself mentally fit. I know what to do to get healthy but can't seem to care enough to do it. I am going to try to really do
    1678 days ago
  • BABYBLUE01
    I've been where you are and still face my weight issue everyday. I keep coming back to sparkpeople because the community support is great. Don't give up, and don't look back. The future is a great thing it's uncertain. You can do it! Keep up ur work
    1678 days ago
  • ACYETTER
    A wise man once told me don't look at how many children you are not able to help. Look at the children you did help. He helped me put things in perspective. For you, don't look at how many pounds you need to loose, look at how much you lost.
    1678 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.