Shades of Gray
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
No, not "that" book, the one I haven't actually read because I heard the writing was wretched and that it was abuse gussied up as an erotic romance (but no judgement from me if you did read it because I read Us Weekly and sometimes watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills so I'm not exactly riding the high horse of culture). "That book" that turned into a movie which I haven't seen but about which my 11 year old said this, when he saw the preview: "Wait! It's about INTERCOURSE?! I thought 50 Shades of Gray was about HAIR!" You can tell he has older parents, lol.
No, I'm referring to all the shades between black and white, when it comes to life. I ferried back and forth between black and white for most of my life, determined not to linger in the middle. Right or wrong. Feast or famine. Fat or fit. Good or bad. Burden or blessing. Stay or leave. Now, I am consciously teaching myself to spend time in the shaded areas. Just because I remain uncomfortably heavy doesn't mean I can't respect my level of health and fitness and I don't have to always be self deprecating about it. I set the pace for my Fit School running group today and the women behind me were either less heavy, or younger, or both. Fat can layer over fit.
Not insisting on black or white applies to many areas of my life. Just because I'm annoyed and frustrated with a volunteer position I hold, & a couple of the fellow volunteers, doesn't mean I say "forget it, I'm out". I can look at my part and correct any issues on my side and if, despite my best efforts it remains a micromanaging, control freaking environment that I'm not being paid to endure, then I can give ample notice and leave the position without leaving the organization in a huff.
My husband and I are in a rough patch but just because we aren't working well as a couple right now doesn't mean we can't be loving members of our precious family, holding down the fort and keeping the peace until we can sort things out between us and grow closer once again.
I am currently approaching food in a more shaded way. I do NOT respond well to challenges that stress avoiding numerous types of food. I attribute this to a number of things including the fact that I already abstain completely from alcohol and cigarettes and drugs including certain medications due to my recovery from addiction. I also have a long history of disorderly and rebellious eating that really gets triggered when I go the rigid deprivation route. I know from experience that if I'm willing to eat 50 grams of protein and some good nutrients before noon, I'm less likely to later attack food in the "raccoon in a trash can" mode that comes over me when I've neglected to feed my body what it needs, when it needs it. I can no more reason with myself about food when I'm overly hungry (& especially if I'm overly tired) than I could talk sense to a tantruming, tired, two year old. I'm not swearing off anything, I'm just steering around some things by eating more, and eating better, and eating earlier.
It's kind of nice and sort of soothing here in the gray shaded spots. I believe I'll spend more time here. Thanks for visiting me here, and listening to me, lovely Sparklers.