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Three Weeks with Mixed Feelings

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

I am trying so very hard to be positive here. Let's get to the good part and then we'll go from there.

Highest Weight: 466.6
Starting Weight: 460.6
Weight at Pre-Op Diet: 437.8
Surgery Day Weight: 419.8
Current Weight (Sunday's Weigh In): 391.8

So, how do I do my stats? What numbers do I count? This is how I've been handling it.

Weight lost since pre-op diet: 46 pounds
Weight lost in 2015: 68.8 pounds
Total weight lost: 74.8 pounds

The surgery date weight seems less important since it was smack dab in the middle of two weeks of all liquids or clear liquids. That's when the real losing began. Once I get further out, I'll probably just drop it to weight lost since that pre-op diet and then weight lost overall.

So, yea. Good, right? Except, I could add current weight: 392.4. emoticon

I don't care that it was a stressful weekend and I was traveling for work and in the car a LOT. I just don't think it's fair to GAIN weight after eating so little only 3 weeks after having weight loss surgery. But when has my life EVER been fair?! *sigh*

So, the thing is...I'm having some mixed emotions. I'm still really sore. I'm still not back to myself. The mental crap of eating three bites (basically) of food is getting to me. The not eating solid foods is getting to me (one more week!). Going out with family and friends and carrying a small bowl of chicken salad or hummus and knowing that's all I will eat. Watching them drink anything other than water makes me want to punch throats. It's all VERY frustrating. Especially when the smallest thing can set off my stomach. My tummy hurts nearly every morning. I was really hoping that would settle since I'm eating basically nothing now. It's not hunger. It's the pains you get when you ate something you weren't supposed to...but I didn't. I just ate. And it still hurts. And it's frustrating.

Most people bounce back much quicker than I have. And I honestly thought I would because I'm such a hard@ss, you know? But I didn't. I'm still struggling. I swam just a tiny bit with my son at the hotel on Sunday night and took a walk with my husband and about DIED yesterday. My stomach hurt. My knees and hips were twinging a bit. I was exhausted and cranky and sore. And the day just went downhill from there. So, two steps forward, three steps back. I'm hoping this next week is better.

I won't be cleared for exercise or anything beyond walking until 6 weeks out. Three more weeks. I know my body needs it, but it's torturing me to think I'm "wasting" three more weeks just walking. But, thankfully, I think I finally can walk and clean and do things that require moving and will burn some extra calories...because the past three weeks have been a whole lot of nothing. I'm not great with nothing. I prefer all the things to none of the things.

So, I'm still having mixed emotions. And I worry that I will until I hit a number I haven't been able to reach on my own. That means if I finally break 300, I'll feel like this was worth it. Reminder: I JUST broke into the 300s. 200s are a long way off! UGH!

Still, trying to stay positive. It's hard. Maybe next week when I start reintroducing foods I'll be a little better. I can go out with friends to eat and not feel too darn awful. I'll be able to start learning how to pick the best thing on the menu (I'm good at this because I did Paleo for so long and that's basically what I'll be doing now) and then figure out how to pick at it most of the meal so no one notices I'm barely eating anything. I figure there will be a lot of "Oh, I'm just not that hungry. I'll take it home and eat it later..." in my future.

I haven't set any goals yet. I honestly don't really know how. I was averaging anywhere from 5-7 pounds a week lost. Right now I'll just be happy to get to my next milestone, which will happen at 387.8...so I could get that this week or next. Just as long as there is no more gaining going on over here. I am putting my scale away now and going back to weighing in once a week. I was doing it nearly every day just to see what my body was doing. Again, no clue what to expect from this. I'll be nervous next week when I start eating "real" food again...but we'll get through it, right!?

One final note...I've decided that Thanksgiving is a sham. In my family it is ALL about the food. Seriously. And I'm so over it this year. I'm making myself one special dish - cheesy potatoes - as low fat as I can get it, eating a small serving for lunch (and maybe one for dinner too) and then spending the rest of the day shopping or editing pictures I took right before I went under the knife. My sons and husband are going up to his parents' house to enjoy the food there, but I just don't have the mental capacity to handle that this year so I've opted out altogether. My family will come home for the cheesy potatoes and I'll be playing Christmas music and putting up decorations and pretending Thanksgiving doesn't exist. Seriously...what IS this holiday even about? I try to be thankful for my family and friends every day of the year, so Thanksgiving can lick my big toe!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUGIRL06
    You are so strong! This time of course is going to be a struggle - you had major surgery! But you are doing amazing. You keep going every day, even through the pain of recovery. You are following your doctor's orders to a T because you know that is what you need to do. You are just rocking this whole journey. Just take it one day at a time. I know you will stay positive. It is okay to come here and tell us about all the crap too. That's what we're here for. To listen to all the things you want to say but have no one to say them to :) But seriously, you are amazing and inspiring and keep being you!

    Angela
    1881 days ago
  • KELLIEBEAN
    I watched my mom go through this 20 years or so ago and it was miserable. She didn't follow everything she needed to do back then and let herself go.

    You are very wise and stronger than you think. I can't imagine what it is like to go through this but I agree with everyone else, you will come out the other side of this misery stronger, happier and healthier.

    I hope you feel a little better each day and find many reasons to smile tomorrow while you are decorating!

    emoticon
    1881 days ago
  • ARUNNINGKAT
    Healing always takes more time than you think, and very often more time than they promise. You are doing the right thing and before long this will all be a distant memory. Don't be too hard on yourself!
    1882 days ago
  • MARINGAL
    I don't know, maybe you bit off more than you can chew. This is all about getting healthy and no one said it was going to be easy. YOUR choice was to have the surgery, so own up to it. You will eventually eat food, you will eventually feel better, and you will lose weight. Write a gratitude list, you will be amazed how that will change your mood.
    1882 days ago
  • IGNATZ50
    Speaking from experience, it does get better after the surgery! Yes, your frustration is very real and very legit. But if you could go back to the way you ate before you started on your journey, would you? For me, the answer is "No, I wouldn't".

    Cut yourself some slack! You just had major abdominal surgery. It's going to be 6 weeks before you feel anything like yourself again. Give yourself time to heal, be good to yourself. You've already done AMAZING things! Next week will be even better!

    emoticon
    1882 days ago
  • BRAINBENTT
    you are inspirational !!

    yeah - all these Hallmark Holidays should not be an excuse to give in

    i like your attitude

    emoticon
    1882 days ago
  • ADYTHIA
    I have the same feelings you have toward trying to stay positive. I mean I do not know what it feels like to be at your weight, but I do know what it feels like to feel like I am starving myself, I'm only eating this little of amount and yet feel as though I have not lost that much and feeling the whole two steps forward and three back, that applies to a lot of things in my life besides just weight loss. However I want to encourage you and maybe give you some mental ease. You will get there, you just have to keep going. Yea it is said easier than it is done but a year from now you will look back at this moment and be glad you kept moving on. With the surgery and your weight, you will find that losing the next 100 lbs will go quickly, but don't expect the next 100 after that to do the same. The changes you made to your body will be overwhelming at first, you weren't eating this way before and you are being forced to now, and it will fast start your body because you are drastically cutting calories in a sense but once your body figures it out it will slowly plateau and you will be in a new eating habits, this is when you will have to start re-managing your diet and fitness. I know I know I haven't had surgery but I have talked a lot and heard a lot from those who have, and yea I know every body is different but most get similar results from surgery with quickly losing weight initially. And your weight gain is probably your body retaining water from swelling from the surgery and it should go down once you heal fully. So don't fret over that. You are going through a lot of changes and it will be overwhelming just keep thinking that you will get through it and once you have new habits things will be easier. As far as worrying about being out eating with others and telling them that "Oh, I'm just not that hungry. I'll take it home and eat it later..." Maybe tell them that you are trying to eat better and restaurants have too big of servings anyways? Put the blame on the restaurant serving size not yourself. And remember, even though you can't do all your exercises at least you are trying to do what you can and it does all add up. I hope this helps, I think I need to listen to my own advice because I need it just as much. For me its easier to give than to take advice. Keep it up! You got this! Good luck! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1882 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/24/2015 1:29:21 PM
  • no profile photo CD15893402
    I agree with everyone hang in there you are amazing
    1882 days ago
  • no profile photo BOOMERSROCK
    I think you are an amazing woman, so strong. You are going thru so much pain, but yet you persevere! Praying that your body heals quickly.
    1882 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Hang in there sweetie, I know how strong you are and it is going to get better, I promise!
    1882 days ago
  • PACEKA1
    I saw your blog on the SparkPeople New Blogs page and it intrigued me enough to read it. I have to say, you sound like an amazing person. I have no words of wisdom or pieces of advice to give you because it sounds like you have a good sense of things. I would just like to wish you well in your journey.

    emoticon
    1882 days ago
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