Made it through this weekend! UGH!
So, one thing my kids and husband will tell you is that I don't like to sit still. That's why I have a full-time job PLUS operate my own business. Half the time I feel like I'm just running in circles and not getting anything done. Even more frustrating when I'm battling these pains from my broken body.
I had a full week of work last week. I have a booked week this week (except Friday). And this weekend...I had photography assignments both days. Saturday was a 3-hour Senior Rep shoot in the city. Yesterday was a quick, but very important, make-up graduation shoot for one of my best clients who was in the hospital and didn't get to attend his high school graduation. As I know it, these are my last couple gigs for a little while.
Because things are getting out of hand.
And I need to reorganize my life, my home, my business, my thoughts, etc. It's just all gotten to be too much and I feel like I'm drowning a bit. So, in order to save my own life here, I've decided to step back from photography (or at least just from shooting) for a little while.
The surgery - just the idea of surgery - is taking an emotional toll on me. I'm so anxious and nervous and excited and scared that it won't happen all at the same time. Of course my husband thinks I'm overreacting and "everything will be fine" but that's honestly his entire attitude toward life, which annoys the crap out of me because I'm constantly in panic mode trying to get crap done. I wonder if it would even get done half the time if I wasn't there pushing and freaking out about it.
So, each day this weekend, I asked myself to just get up and get through it and come out the other side. It took a ton of pep talks, but it worked. And I'm battered from the journey (literally! Has anyone else been having HUGE problems with ginormous horse flies this summer?! YIKES!), but I came out the other side and now I just have to breathe and try to get myself back together.
Okay, so this past week all my healthy habits went down the drain. Like, literally I couldn't even. Does anyone else have this problem some times? I tried really hard to just make whatever good choices I could or stop eating before I felt full. I tried not to skip meals (a bad habit of mine when I'm stressed). But, let's just say I would like to forget this week even happened and I pray it doesn't undo all of the good work I've been doing the past month.
I finally got a chance to pull all of the healthy meal options together for the week and make a meal plan. Tonight I'll cook up my premade breakfast quiches for the week and make sure I have the snacks I need. I may even try to organize the fridge to make things easier on myself. I have healthy dinners planned for most of the week and I'll try to be religious at sticking to the 1700-1800 calorie range this week to make up for the crazy last week.
I will say, all the crazy eating ...I REALLY felt it this time. Like, I felt like utter CRAP when I ate too many carbs and I've had a constant headache all week. It will be nice to get back to what I know my body runs best with.
Get back to the GYM!
I literally was in so much pain this week that the thought of even trying to do anything beyond what was already being asked of me... again, I just couldn't even deal. I skipped every gym workout and just worked on getting up in the morning, getting through the day, and TRYING to sleep at night.
I'm dealing hard with hip displacement issues right now, further exacerbated by the long hours in my too small car. My ankle/foot hurts a good bit and even just getting up from a seated position right now is a challenge. I may not have been in the gym, but my body took a beating this week.
But all that is over. I have on my list to be at the gym 4 times between now and end of Sunday. And I intend to go each and every day...even if every workout sucks completely and 30 minutes on the elliptical turns into 15 minutes of barely getting through. I need the habit back. I need to make myself do this so that I know I still can. And my body, believe it or not, will actually improve over just a week of trying.
Finish up Photography gigs.
While I'm not shooting right now, I have 3 full sessions that need to be finalized. That means sitting in a super uncomfortable chair and culling, editing, watermarking, uploading, blogging, and posting. In some cases I need to put together discs for the clients. In some cases I'll need price sheets for products so I can schedule an ordering session. The plan this week and next is to get ALL of this DONE. To finally CATCH UP.
After that, I'm going to work on my business plans. I want to make up a new model for my business. I want to get some marketing materials together. I want a system that makes sense with my life and makes it easier on me to stay motivated and stay on task. The first year I was learning photography. This year I learned MY style of photography. Next year, I want to become a business professional. A real life professional photographer who is devoted to making a name for herself in the world of photography. I need to set some hard and fast goals and see what it's going to take to get where I want to be by the end of 2016. If this surgery does happen the way it should, I should be better off to do what I need and want to do for my photography work. I want to be ready for that stage of this journey.
Take Care of ME!
This is something I'm actually very bad at...and most people don't understand about me. Because things that make me feel better are not the typical things people think of. Cleaning a room of the house I've been meaning to clean for a while but just couldn't physically or mentally do it - that does more for me than sitting at a spa with a list of possible things I SHOULD be doing running through my head. I need to make that list. I need to make it manageable. And I need to start working through it because I KNOW it's what's best for me. I feel most happy when my home is clean and I lay down exhausted at night in a beautiful bed in a beautiful room without the distractions of things that need to be accomplished staring me down. And I'll be sure to get Hubs on board with these tasks, because all of us together working on the same goal makes things happen so much quicker and allows us to do MORE and accomplish MORE on our list.
This is the hardest one for me. When the lists are checked off and the tasks are accomplished, I have to make myself relax and have fun and enjoy my life. Stop worrying about what I can't change or haven't done yet. I'll get there. Time to enjoy what I have - what we've created - and what will fade if we don't nourish it. My marriage. My kids. My friendships. My time with my amazing coworkers. I need to let myself relax and enjoy this part because this is the stuff I'll remember for years to come.
So, I made it through the weekend. Now to make some manageable goals and get my life back on track. Thursday is D-Day in the surgery pursuit. My consult with my possible eventual surgeon. I have a list of questions already and will likely add more before that day arrives. I've talked to the boys and my husband and everyone has had their input about what to ask.
Here's my special request to all of you. Something I never do. Something so very not me but I feel needs to be done. I'm asking for each of you to send me a silent prayer or thought or vibe. Your religion does not matter to me. I fully believe in the power of positive thought and emotions released into the world and I think that we can change the world with what we decide to put out into it. So, whatever God(s) you pray to, whatever positive habits or thoughts you do when you need something to go your way - I need those between now and Thursday. I need to move through this phase as seamlessly as possible. It will make my heart light to know there are others out there thinking positive for me and praying for me. And hopefully I will get what I know to be right - a chance at a better life. I'm really praying hard for a surgery date in October so if you guys could put your thoughts into that with me, if only for a quick moment while reading this, I would sincerely appreciate it.
"Tell the world what you want and then do what you can to make it come about."