Wednesday, July 29, 2015
*sigh* Guys. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm being 100% honest here. I am not trying to overreact, but the level of my frustration can no longer be measured.
My husband called the insurance company Monday to get our group and member ID number so I could give it to my chiropractor for insurance processing, only to be told that his request for coverage hadn't been "inputted" yet. His work has it on file. Coverage was backdated to 7/16/15, but someone in their office couldn't seem to find the time to type in his information and the name of his dependents into their system. I mean, really...how much time does that really take? I have a feeling I'd be done with it in 20 minutes. He ended up calling them 3 times in 2 days and finally was told it won't be put into the system until the 4th or 6th of AUGUST.
*bangs head on desk*
Oh, I have coverage. I can go to the doctor and pay out of pocket and be reimbursed, but considering my appointment with the surgeon is about pre-cert for my insurance coverage of the surgery...I had to reschedule.
It broke my heart.
The surgeon only does consults on one or two days a week because he spends the rest of the week doing surgeries. So them pushing it out another week means I got pushed out with the surgeon TWO weeks. Not to mention, the time they gave me for my appointment this Thursday was perfect. It was 8am. A time when Shane would have just been getting off work and could just stick around to hear what he needed to hear from the surgeon to assist in my recovery. The time of my appointment now? 2pm. He can't come. He'll be sleeping. I seriously just want to crawl into a corner and cry...something I did a lot of on the way to the gym yesterday.
I know what people will say if I mention this. I hestitate to even mention it here, but this blog is for me, so I don't really care any more. People will tell me that extra time is good. That I've waited so long, what's two more weeks?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT TWO MORE WEEKS SOUNDS LIKE TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN WAITING 11 OR 12 YEARS FOR SOMETHING?!
I feel like I keep getting slapped in the face. First when I went through all the surgery testing in 2003/2004 and then my husband's employer dropped coverage right when my pre-cert went through. That was 12 months of anticipation and agony and scary tests...only to be turned away. And then again when I went back and was told the two to three years I lost weight on my own didn't count...because I was just one month over 2 years ago. I was going to have to do another 12 months. On a bum leg. With little to no exercise. And, btw, lose 50 pounds while I was at it.
I honestly had lost most of my hope this last month when I realized my weigh-ins were not anywhere near where they needed to be. I never had this much trouble the last time around. My body is acting strange, likely due to the injuries that aren't fully recovered, and I cannot get it to do the things I need it to do in the time I need it to do it. So when I heard that Shane's insurance company was going to work with me a little better, we switched immediately and I got that hope back. And now it's back to worry. Already one speed-bump...I don't know what else I'm going to face. And I know there isn't hardly anyone on the planet who understands.
"Take this time to consider whether you really want the surgery!"
Are you effing kidding me? You think I haven't thought about it every day for the past 11-12 years?! While I was spending 6-7 days at the gym and eating basically nothing trying to lose a silly pound a week until I got to 170 lost and realized I was STILL HUGE? I didn't realize this injury would take me out so long and bring on other complications. I wish I had known, I would have done the surgery immediately.
So, now I wait until August 13th. It's been hard to control my anger binges (yes, I realize I am an emotional eater - do you know how hard it is to fight a body that wants to hold onto every single calorie you give it and makes you GAIN weight even when you're eating 500-1000 kcal a day under your BMR? I know how this works and I know how effed up my body is right now.). It's been hard not to sit and just cry and cry realizing Shane won't be there. No one will. I'm doing this alone...again. And I have to spend the next 3 weeks being PERFECT with my diet because that's what my body requires of me to lose weight. And who in their right mind is ever PERFECT for that long?
All the while I'm watching people get surgery left and right with not nearly the amount of weight I need to lose - who've waiting a whole 4 months or 5 seconds for surgery. They have no idea what it means to wait over a decade for something like this. For an opportunity to be well. I'm fighting the urge to give up and accept that so much has gone wrong because it's "not meant to be" or something. But I honestly don't think with my energy and enthusiasm I was supposed to be this big. *sigh* Help!
Pray for me. Send me good thoughts. I'm losing it over here.