Been a long time - Oct 20, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
Hard to believe the last time I posted was almost 2 years ago. I've falling off the wagon and about given up. Last night my husband said something to me that took all the wind out of my sails, and really shook me. Let me 1st explain that we went to one of those special running shoe stores, because I can't even walk around every day without my feet and legs hurting - I know it is because I have gained all the weight I lost back, I also know I am bigger than I have ever been - that being said - the sales lady was great and put in a pair of shoes that have helped me so much -- been wearing them a week and have not had any issues with my legs -- Yeah!!! So I say to my husband, I really was not sure the shoes would make a difference but I am really very happy - my feet feel better - To which he responds - that does not mean gain more weight till they do! Felt like he slapped me in the face - I went into my bathroom and cried. I was so upset and hurt and yet I knew it was the truth - I have not been good to myself - but the one thing I always felt was that at least I was beautiful to him .. guess that's not true anymore. So I went to bed, really hurt and not sure what I was going to do about it .. but knew I needed to say something. So this morning - I told him how much he hurt me, to which he replied that he would never want to hurt me, and that isn't how he meant what he said, and he thinks Im sexy as I am .. but here is the thing. I now feel like ugly, fat and sad .. very very sad. No, I am not eating my way through the way I feel, but I'm sad. You can't take it back - it is already out there, and honestly I am sure in some way that is how he feels. So instead, I packed my lunch and my water - I am trying to figure out to get in some exercise tonight - whether it will be a walk with the dogs and a walk/jog with my 12 year old who wants to get into running again - but I will do it for me .. I will start to take the time for me - which I never do because with 3 kids and it being summer -- all I do when I get off work is stuff for everyone else. I do know that when I work out I feel great and sexy because that's what it does .. makes you feel good about yourself. So here I am - I'm back, and Yes I hope it will be everyday .. and small workouts are still moving, so that is what it will be .. less food, more moving and lots and lots of water - cause DAMN it is so freaking hot outside right now.
thank you for listening .. I hope to use my pain to make difference in all my kids lifes, and get us all moving.