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Just For Today

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Quietly from my corner, here, let me say that I am very grateful.

Since June 8, I have been taking it one day at a time with food - and on a three moderate meals a day, maybe a snack, and nothing in between plan. I do track what I eat on Sparkpeople - and usually it is between 1300 and 1400 calories. I've gone up to 1800 a few days. I haven't put any food on my Verboten List - although I cannot -- just for today -- imagine eating processed food, sugar or white flour. Not to say I won't tomorrow. But these things are not hard to give up. What I am saying, though, is that they are not on a "forbidden list."

I am employing all that I learned about whole foods plant based nutrition. Also, I am living "life on life's terms" and so if I'm out I will maybe choose fish. I will not use food to separate myself from people or call attention to myself. At home, I am cooking so many good things. Eating is a meditation; a way to nourish myself in body and mind. The food I am making is colorful, bright and tastes good. Fun to eat.

As a result, I am losing and I am not hungry. Healthier in mind, body, spirit. I'm moving more. I'm kinder to myself.

In my 20s and 30s -- and even 40s - I binged. Not so the last 15 years or so - although I have eaten too much, for sure. But the unmanageability has been not letting go of all this weight.

To tell you the truth, I did have a withdrawal of sorts, over the last month. And that is not because I was eating a lot of sugar or processed food before this. But it was turning a corner and acknowledging my relationship with food and my body was essentially so complicated I couldn't figure it out to save myself. My morbid obesity was unmanageable.

So, what needed to change? It depends what "lens" one uses to see:

1- I acknowledged my powerlessness over food and eating behaviors over the decades of my life, since early childhood. Although I have not binged at all like I used to, I could not manage myself in my body - I could not seem to eat to change it. I do believe, though, that I can be healthy in body, mind, spirit. But not without a deepening spiritual life.
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2- With a significant trauma history, where I used food to stave off pain, etc., recovery is long term, multi-faceted, and (I believe) requires humility and spiritual growth.

3- We live in an addicted society so much so that we hardly see the forest for the trees. With regard to food in this culture, we are quick to sate ourselves. Processed foods provide a quick and dirty route to this end -- calorie dense, salt-sugar-fat laden food physiologically addicts us. There is, of course much written on that. And some of us are more prone to fall into this addictive cycle than others - given our temperament, physiology, trauma histories, and current life circumstances. I needed to depart from the status quo. I would be triggered if I ate processed calorie dense foods.

So, I am learning to listen to the healthy voice from deep within me, as I am grateful to be a member of a community of recovery and on these Sparkpages.


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